Saturday, March 7, 2015

Women's Day, Handbags, Shoes or Is It Airtime - What Do Women Really Want?

We men love our women. We love them because they are our grandmothers, mums, sisters, aunts, nieces, girlfriends and wives. We also love them because they are CEO’s, princesses, queens and even first ladies! Despite the love we have for them, one thing we don’t understand is why they want. And keep on wanting.

Women look at us men as dogs - selfish ball licking dogs who don’t care. But they forget that even selfish ball licking dogs make sacrifices like we did to get this day, March 8th, declared International Women’s Day. Years back, the learned men of the world met up for an afternoon of beer and muchomo and thought: “What can we do for women to make them feel loved? What trinket do we throw their way to stop them b****ing?”

Flowers and airtime were out because we already did that. How about a half kilo of byenda (entrails)? No, because she snobs byenda as a poor woman’s supper. Dinner? No, because we’ve overdone that for her and her five+ baleebesi friends she tows with. If we take her out, why can’t she suggest a kafunda? Why do all her suggestions have to be places where we get little or no change from 50k for two drinks?

While I have always wondered why I wasn’t at that learned meeting, those present toiled with ideas till eureka(!) struck. Somebody came up with the idea of a public holiday. It has to be a Muzungu Man thought, because to African Man, Al Shabab, ISIS and Taleban Man, the concept of women having a day off – let alone a public holiday is utterly ridiculous. It’s not written in the scriptures and it goes against all their ethics as men. 

But Woman, listen here, what did Ugandan Man do? He bit his tongue, relented and consented to the holiday. Al Shabab, ISIS and Taleban Man on the other hand refused. And so did Muzungu Man, because Women's Day, is not a public holiday in the UK like it is in Uganda.

Despite bending over backwards and presenting women with a public holiday, they still want. They want to do things that men are supposed to do – which is fine with us. But when the dinner bill is presented, she is not man enough to present her purse and pay the bill. When gifts are being ferried at a kwanjula, she doesn’t lift the matooke but the small box of Mukwano tea bags. When she’s buying something that costs 4k, she’ll ask us for that 4k, because she 'only' has a 10k note which, she does not want to break. 

When we are with her, her phone is for receiving calls, but never outgoing calls. Outgoing calls are made on our phone using our airtime. And when she has used up all the airtime, she's not man enough to at least dip into her purse, pull out a ka-5k and buy airtime, but with those rolling 'whatever' eyes will say: "airtime has gamed" then stretch out that ever wanting hand so we can load it with 10k for her to make more calls. But do we b**ch? Nope, not at all. Instead we grimace and bite our tongues.

Women are so hell bent on being on our manly level. When they started pumping weights so they could have a muscular body like Ivan ‘Mr. Kampala’ Byekwaso’s, did we stop them? We were against them having muscular bodies but no, we did'nt stop them. When they grew hair on their chests between their boobs because men have hairy chests, did we stop them? Again, we did'nt like it, but we did'nt stop them. During sawa ya maalavu, when they figured that they too ‘can be on top' and do all the riding, did we complain? On that one, we really liked but again, we did'nt stop them nor did we complain.  

This public holiday, while they are out and having a blast, we will be at home and all hungry because she’s not there to cook for us. But will we complain? No.

On a serious note though, women don’t need a public holiday. Every day, we men applaud them for doing all they do to make the world a better place – even if it means them wanting to do a man’s job.

I know because Lucy, Penny and Esther who are all empowered women at Sunday Vision, rule the paper, while not forgetting Jennifer Musisi, who has shown the men at KCCA that her style of wearing the trousers and pulling up the zip, is much better for the development of Kampala City than theirs. Happy Women’s Day!  

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