Saturday, March 31, 2018

Dr Annette Kezabu Wants Your Kids Taught Porn At School!

Have those who went to school and garnered a good education gone off the rails? Did they spend year after year, hour after hour in class swotting for their PhD's, that it messed them up to a point they lost track with reality?

There is a woman who is learned and through toiling has managed to get herself a Dr title - Dr Annette Kezabu that is, whom I have never met nor heard of until she landed the most unenviable(?) job in the land – that of chairperson of the Pornography Control Committee under the docket of the Ministry and Ethics and Integrity.

Dr Kezabu Wants Porn On Your Kids School Curriculum
The good doctor – and I presume after flipping through a number of porn magazines and videos had a mammoth Eureka(!) moment. Strike a pause because this is where I tell you to have a jerrycan of fuel. You will need it once you hear what she proposes.  

Here goes - and wait for it, wait for it, she wants PORN TO BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS! She said: “It will help students in primary and secondary schools to get a knowledge about pornography and talks are in progress with Ministry of Education to incorporate teaching porn in the school curriculum!”

Should I hold up while you head to the garage and reach for the jerrycan of standby fuel, douse yourself, walk down the middle lane of the Northern Bypass during rush hour shouting - “WTF!” then sparking yourself up into a human fireball before I continue?

As you recover from third-degree burns in the burns unit at Mulago hospital, what do you think of Kezabu's utterances? This is what I thought. 

1. She was misquoted. 

2. It’s an April Fool’s Day gag seeing today actually is April Fool’s Day. 

3. She was gripped by a moment of temporary insanity. 

Alas, its none of the above because Dr Kezabu is being for real.

Alongside Religious Education, Porn Will be Taught In Schools If Dr Kezabu Get Her Way  
How will porn as a subject be structured? Will children be taught everything from softcore porn right through to sickening hardcore porn that would even make the self-acclaimed no nonsense hard man, Kasirye Gwanga puke in disgust?

One thing I don’t fathom is Dr Kezabu and as far as I can recall, was hired by Ministry of Ethics and Integrity to clamp down on porn. That aside, a sh2bn porn detecting machine was supposed to have been acquired from Germany to help Dr effect her work – except she’s decided to go against the grain of her job mandate. 

Education is a must. My parents – Dad especially, was a stickler for education. There was no cutting corners and he gave my sisters and I a very virtuous education. He didn’t stop at us. There was Cousin and Distant Cousin whose fees he also catered for. However, I can’t envision Dad or Friends Dad – right from Peter Mulira to Henry Kajura to Gordon Wava sending Oscar, Bernard or Elvis to schools that had porn as part of its curriculum – let alone their daughters.   

You know, it’s always invigorating to see the girls from Gayaza, Namagunga or wherever, skipping out of the school gates in pristine white knee-high socks to waiting Parent who is assured that Daughter is ‘innocent’ to the evils of the world especially porn. But now that it’s on the curriculum, Daughter is bound seductively emerge in tiger pint leather boots, a tight black PVC jumpsuit and cracking a whip in a manner that would have Mother checking into Uganda Heart Institute.

Should Children Be Taught Porn?
What perturbs is Official from Ministry of Ethics, Ministry of Education, not even the respective ministers – Father Lokodo or Mrs Museveni have come out guns blazing to condemn Dr Kezabu, cast her to the dogs or called for her to to. 

With that eerie silence, are we to presume that a pronouncement has been made and that porn will feature on the school curriculum in the next academic year? Hmm! 

Pictures: Matooke Republic, NTV,

Saturday, March 24, 2018

M7s 'Kafunda' Rant Was Wrong And Unfortunate

I’m not keen on predictions, because often they turn out to be wrong like that of my colleague, Toronto based New Vision columnist – Opio Oloya, who was so certain that Hilary Clinton would succeed Barack Obama as the next president of the US. Unfortunately for him, he got egg slapped on his face because if memory serves me correct, his column was published the same day the elections results came out and as you all know, it was The Donald who had been voted in and not Clinton.

Looking further back down the corridors at prophecies that didn’t come true, another colleague – Kalungi Kabuye, in April 2012 under the headline - ‘Death of The Kafunda’, he predicted the demise of the kafunda. Thus, he wrote: “It is with outmost sadness that we announce that the kafunda, that very Ugandan of creations, is dying; and in many places and instances has already died.” He went on to add that: “Wandegeya market was broken down to make way for a modern market. The destruction of the Wandegeya kafunda marked the beginning of the end.”

What Wandegeya Market Looked Like Before It Was Demolished
One thing he did get right was when he said: “The kafunda became the centre of socialising and it was the place where many deals were made. Soon they became like membership clubs, and had their own executives and chairpersons. Members had their specific places to sit and it was common to have their own glasses that nobody else was allowed to use.”

Kabuye got the demise of the kafunda wrong because looking round in 2018, kafunda culture still exists and is stronger than ever.

Getting back, at the recently concluded EAC Summit in Munyonyo, The Man With The Hat, had this to say: “Our organisers are always determined to inconvenience our guests. They have bought us to this kafunda without air-conditioning.” Hmm.

I don’t think The Man With The Hat has been to a kafunda because there is nothing erroneous with taking your guests to one. I took some guests from outside countries to my kafunda and they embraced it! They found it real and fascinating. They marvelled at the way I had a glass that was for my sole preserve and which, when I was done, was washed, put back into its box and locked away in the cupboard. 

This Is What The Man With The Hat Had To Say
They gaped at the way I had my own road facing seat and it scattered them. They all looked on in awe when Chairman arrived and Chap, sitting at the head of the table quickly ejected himself because its only Chairman who sits in that seat and at the head of the table. And heck, they recently installed a ceiling fan and Regular rebelled and threatened to boycott the place because he felt the kafunda was in danger of becoming posh and would lose its identity!  

In the kafunda, Waitress has mastered the art of knowing exactly what we want and when we want it which Waitress in Sheraton, Serena don’t. She knows she has to serve the regulars ahead of the ‘drop-in’s’. She knows what we eat and when it’s time to summon Pork Roaster. And she knows the television set has to be switched to Bukedde news come 7:00pm.

President who flew in for the EAC Summit, is bored of being in Munyonyo or Sheraton and stuffed in dining rooms where he can’t chill and be ‘as if’ yet, all he wants is to be able to go pee by the carpark wall like it happens at my kafunda, buy nail clippers or a packet of sh100 binyebwa from passing Hawker or swing a round to twenty people and the bill is still under 40k!    

Mbabazi's - Soya, Bunga
An open invitation to The Man With The Hat. Chogm High Command, a kimeeza group, (Nodin, Doc, Paulo, Willo, Julio and Kayos) want to host you at Mbabazi’s in Soya so you see how they roll - then you might just change your opinion on kafundas. And you can even bring your personal chair - you know, the one with the red upholstery that's lugged round wherever you go......  

Pictures: NTV, Bukedde

Saturday, March 17, 2018

'Hon' Twinamasiko MP, A True 'Champion' Of Battered Ugandan Women!

Last week, March 8th, was International Women's Day (IWD). IWD for those not in the know, is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity.

M7 Launching The National Policy On Elimination Of Gender Based Violence In Uganda in 2006 
IWD celebrations in Uganda, took place in Mityana and were presided over by The Man With The Hat who called for economic independence for women. He said: “If we empower women as well as the graduates, we shall have implemented two programmes: One, enhanced imports substitution, and two, enhanced exports promotion.”

More importantly, he drove a point home with: “An educated and economically empowered mind, will unlock a woman from an abusive spouse.” Then came the message that all women wanted to hear - “A man who batters a woman is foolish and a coward and that some women do not report cases of abuse by their husbands for fear of being driven out to a life of hopelessness and economic desperation.”

A Woman Being Punched
There should have been no need for me to expound on - “A man who batters Wifey is foolish and a coward”, for it was a laid bare and clear-cut statement that even the people from Bugangaizi East should have grasped.

But alas, I have to expound because of a chap from Bugangaizi East, Onesmus Twinamasiko. But wait up – and where have my manners gone? Let me re-phrase the and introduce him properly and with all the due respect seeing that he is a Member of Parliament. Enter the MP from Bugangaizi East, Honourable Onesmus Twinamasiko. Mbu honourable – hmm! 

MP Onesmus Twinamasiko Wants Women To Be Goofed Because They Need To Be "Streamlined"  
I had never heard of MP Twinamasiko, nor had I heard of a place called Bugangaizi East - wherever that is. I could have done some Googling but to be honest, I could be bothered. Anyway, we presume that the reason Twinamasiko is a Member of Parliament, is because he went to school, is level headed and Constituent saw him as the best the person to represent their needs. But is he? Does he have the interests of women at heart? Would he go out of his way to defend their rights?

The Sad Face Of A Battered And Bruised Woman Which, Bugangaizi East MP, Onesmus Twinamasiko Has No Problems With 
I doubt because barely four days after The Man With The Hat lashed out that “a man who batters a woman is foolish and a coward”, Twinamasiko and on the steps of Parliament gave an interview to NTV. In the interview and with more than just an air of arrogance, a bold conviction and straight face, said: “As a man, you need to discipline your wife.” He didn’t stop there. Switching to a smug look he added: “You need to touch her a bit, you tackle her, beat her somehow to streamline her.”

The Diva Rihanna Was Battered By Boyfriend Chris Brown 
That you have to tackle her, beat her somehow to streamline her - OMG! What exactly did he mean when he said: “tackle her” and “beat her somehow”? Did he mean that during an argument and when Wifey feels threated that she decides to run away, men should chase after her, tackle her, then goof the lights out of her?

What Twinamasiko doesn’t know is tragically more than one in five women aged 15 – 49 have experienced domestic or sexual violence in Uganda according to a government report published last year.

While his statement is from the caveman days, there is more than a justified need to sympathise with the women who live in his household, for we can surmise from his interview that he ‘tackles and streamlines them with a beating’.

Not Good At All
Twinamasiko did proffer a feeble apology but, it took him a staggering three days to offer and not because he thought it was the right thing to do, but because of the heat he was getting from social media. Also - stepping down as a Member of Parliament was something he didn’t consider because resigning is not a Ugandan thing – even for a Member of Parliament who advocates that it’s okay for men to batter women.
Oddly enough, there has been no statement from the Ministry of Gender and Social Development. Ah, perhaps they are ‘busy’ in a darkened building trying to figure out how the porn machine works than tackling more vital issues like Twinamasiko who gleefully wants to see women get battered!  

Pictures: NTV, TMZ, New Vision, Agencies       

Friday, March 9, 2018

Kayihura Should Embrace His IGP Sacking The Way I Embraced My WBS Sacking

Being sacked, is one thing we dread. Robert Maxwell used to own The Mirror, a UK tabloid and the fable goes, when he sacked senior employees, he would subpoena them to his 9th floor office, fire them but with the utmost reverence then, graciously stride them to the lift to ‘see them off’.

Was Robert Maxwell was a bully and 'sadist'?
The lift however, was a relic with two sets of doors –  the actual lift doors and an outer grill door to protect people from tumbling down the lift shaft once it departed.

With Fired Employee in the lift, Maxwell would unleash his coup de grace and bellow down the lift shaft – “you’re going down, you’re going down!” and his bellowing words would reverberate and echo in the lift till it hit the ground floor. He was a tyrant and sadist!

I used to work for Chairman - Gordon Wava that is, at WBS TV. For a while, all went well until we had a ‘falling out’ and I was sacked. Elvis Wava, the then Executive Director at the station called me to his desk and said: “Tim, I got bad news from Chairman – He’s told me to let you go.” I didn’t get what he was on about so I asked: “Let me go where?” Obviously, he looked at me like I was a looney of sorts.

Elvis Wava, Former Executive Director, WBS TV
When the sacking took hold, it was like somebody had walloped the back of my head with a steel sledgehammer, for I hadn’t seen it coming. What am I going to do? How does one get a new job? What do I tell the people in my department and more importantly, those at home? Would Bukedde’s gossip page have that one-word headline that screams: “Bamugobye!” once they get wind of the story? When I pack my stuff, should I head straight home, hang about in town or start looking for a new job? Hmm, instead I made beeline for a stool at La Bella on De Winton Road, and quaffed more than I should have. Luckily, Chairman and I patched up our differences that I was re-hired - but after six months of being on kateebe.

Over the past couple of weeks, three notable people have lost their jobs – Justine Bagyenda, BoU Executive Director of Bank Supervision, Henry Tumukunde, Security Minister and Kale Kayihura the IGP. Of the three, its Kayihura dismissal that sparked the most public interest.

Now That He's On Kateebe, The Stress Veins On His Forehead Are Set To Vanish  
Unlike my WBS sacking, Kayihura must have seen his coming. Its not been a good three years for him – especially the last couple of months with a CMI and ISO fallout, dead expatriates in hotel rooms, a simmering beef with Tumukunde, and kidnappings. Another thing, days after I was sacked, Chairman didn't go into a rant and start hurling innuendos that said: "WBS had been infiltrated by a 'bean weevil' and now that it has removed, the station can grow." 

Is Kale Kayihura The 'Bean Weevil' That The Man With The Hat Was Referring To?
The Sunday evening Kayihura got fired, I presume that as the news filtered out, he must have immediately turned off his cell-phone to avoid getting calls and WhatsApp messages that read: “Affande, I am hearing lugambo that The Man With The Hat has fired you? Please tell me it’s not true!”

Then the drive back to his Muyenga crib from wherever he was, must have been a long and painful one for it was going to be the last time he sits in the official IGP Land Cruiser - complete with the advance police pick up that clears the road of traffic for him. Worse, he got home to find the police detach that guarded him had already packed and gone.

That Sinking Feeling?
I embraced my freedom after my WBS sacking and Kayihura should embrace his too. I hear he has now started playing tennis at Lugogo, he can sleep in and he no longer has to wear a uniform. The stress veins on his forehead will vanish as will the days of sitting alone like he had no friends. But more importantly, no more 4:00am bunkenke kiboko phone calls from The Man With The Hat!

Kale Kayihura Looks More Relaxed Now That He's No Longer IGP

Pictures: Daily Mirror, NTV,,

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Ugandans - Consumed By Greed, Temporary Insanity Or Both?

Before we get into the gist of this Sunday’s ramble, we need to define greed and temporary insanity. Greed is defined as: ‘An intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth and power’ .

Are Ugandan's Consumed by Greed?
On the other hand, temporary insanity is: ‘A defence by excuse when the defendant is not responsible for his actions due to an episodic or persistent psychiatric disease at the time of the act.’ I on the other hand, describe it as: ‘Having a bout of temporary cuckoos.’

Female English Newscaster was a level-headed person when we worked together at WBS. She was eloquent and read the news with precision. In her private life, she didn’t go in search of the limelight and once work was done, she headed straight home. As far as I can remember, the only passion she appeared to have, was for gold – rings and chains.

All That Glitters Is Not Necessarily Gold
It was end of month. Salaries had been paid and she’d been to the then Nile bank ATM and withdrawn her rent money when from of the blue at the Spear Motors stage on Jinja road, out slithered Hawker flashing a briefcase of gold trinkets. Female English Newscaster's eyes lit up like that of a Mercedes Benz AMG G65 LED lights on full beam, which Hawker obviously noticed and wasted no time wooing her with his sales spiel.

Ten minutes later, the deal was a wrap. Female Newscaster had gold bling draped round her neck and Hawker had her rent money in his back pocket. But wait, who buys gold from Hawker at a taxi stage? Anyway, back home when she jumped out of the shower, she noticed the bling was no longer gold, but fading to silver – ouch! Was Female English Newscaster hit by temporary insanity, greed or both?

Juuko is smart. He attended the University of Dar es salaam and if I recall, he was in the top echelons of his engineering class. Juuko loved watches and Hawker slimed himself out of the sewers when things were ‘tight’ as he put it. But Hawker wasn’t perturbed that Juuko didn’t have a dime on him. A barter trade would suffice. So Juuko duly whipped off his classy imported shoes in exchange for a gleaming watch and walked home to Muyenga barefoot.

Hawker Sold Watches Usually Have A Life Span Of Two Weeks
14-days later, the gleaming watch started having difficulty keeping up with time. Seeking expert opinion from Horologist, he had nothing but ‘time to throw up’ news for Juuko. The watch so Horologist said, was a cheap Chinese import worth no more than 5K and was surprised it manged to last two weeks. Was Juuko hit by temporary insanity, greed or both?
All I know about Muhammad Gusaga, is that he’s the NRM Vice-Chairman for Mbale District and sometime back was gifted with a crib valued at sh700m for his services to the party. Last December so the tale goes, Gusaga’s neighbour – fresh from South Africa rumbled into Mbale in a flashy eye catching sleek convertible Merc and a Beemer which, got Gusaga more than thinking.

Are A Merc And A Convertible Beemer A Must Have?
He too wanted a convertible Merc and a Beemer even though he couldn’t afford them. But wait up. He owned the title deed to a sh700m crib and I guess there is no need to tell you what he did next - or is there? Let me just tell the tale anyway.

In the dead of the night and after stirring Wifey from a cavernous slumber, Gusaga managed to sway her into signing the transfer papers to Neighbour. The ink on the contract had barely dried than Neighbour, as the new owner of the sh700m crib, swept into action and evicted Gusaga and his family who, have since been forced to seek accommodation in a hotel which they can’t afford because they now are broke.

The NRM Donated Bungalow With Rental Units Which Gusaga Bartered For A Merc and Beemer

Like Female English Newscaster and Juuko, was Gusaga also hit by a bout of temporary insanity, greed, both or something else? 

Pictures: Daily Monitor, Agencies                

Expelled From School And Sent to Prison

I was fortunate enough, that during my academic career, I was never suspended or expelled from school – not because I was a good boy who to...