Is Easter A Fable From Deep Down Cuckoo Land?

Let’s delve into today’s ramble with a fable that’s from deep inside cuckoo land. “Many years ago one early Sunday morning and after Jesus’ Good Friday crucifixion, several of his women followers went to his tomb only to find the heavy stone blocking the entrance had been removed, the tomb empty with the grave clothes left behind. They were told by two dazzling angels (by the way, no one knows how they got there): “He is not here, he has risen, come see the place where he lay.” Later that day, Jesus appeared (out of the blue I might add) to the apostles and allowed them to examine his body with its wounds, assuring them it was him, and that he had been raised from the dead.”

 

He 'Rose' And Left Behind His Burial Robes

Hmm, you see what I mean when I say a story from deep cuckoo land?

It’s Easter Sunday today and Christian is aggravated. At just about every street corner, he’s there doing some vexed street preaching. He stands for hours-on-end in the scorching sun, inhaling the dust off Kampala’s streets - a tattered bible in one hand, while belting out words that don’t make sense at all to those who fleet pass him – and I suspect even to himself. I don’t know why his preaching always comes across as being aggravated – perhaps he didn’t get ‘some’ the previous night, or his kid was caught stealing and has been locked up – or perhaps, Landlord is giving him sleepless nights over unpaid rent. But whatever the case may be, he is just never happy. He doesn’t preach in a soft voice akin to that of Joyce Meyer or perhaps that of Jesus before he (Jesus), got lynched.    

 

The Street Preacher: Always Vexed and Angry

There are a number of things that I don’t click about Christian for he has become fairly good at focusing on the moral failings of others while ignoring his own. They pretend that the worst sin you can commit is sexual but, so does gossip, divisiveness and quarreling—sins that Christian routinely flouts - because he commits them and also steals – even whilst in church, then walks out half-an-hour later flossing about his religious values yet, he’s walked off with a phone that does not belong to him.

  

In Church, Look Out For The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing Pretending To Be Holier Than Thou As He Steals Your Phone While You Pray 

He also ignores Paul’s injunction to stop judging non-Christians and like Jesus is supposed to have said, “I didn’t come into the world to judge it, but to save it.” Like today for example, all those wearing their Sunday best will look down on the rest of us in our tattered old T-shirts and torn jeans because it will be clearly obvious that we didn’t go to church – and they did. And so what?!

They gossip, they talk about other people rather than to people. They avoid conflict or they run into it like a bulldozer claiming they are all about truth. They want to appear that they are in the know and that they have first-hand information yet, they know nothing - they weren’t even there.

 

Christians Love Gossip

I think a general rule that Christian forgets, is if they can’t imagine saying it in real life to a person, then they shouldn’t be saying it all. And the same applies to those who are always angry or cynical that all they do is to whine to whoever listens that you think: “I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that in real life.”

Another thing about Christian, is that they are toxic, cynical and don’t live in the real world. Given the chance, Christian will jump on any platform they are given – including social media, or standing at the street junction to show the world their weirdness that I just see them as being out-of-touch and fraudsters.

But don’t get irate and come looking to shoot me – I’m just saying it as it is. 

Photo Credit: standstrongministries.org; kfm.co.ug; catholicsandcultures.org; yellowpages.uganda.com

Does Your Wedding Budget Also Include The Brides Knickers?

Once a year, The Man With The Briefcase - Matia Kasaija that is, who am told is our minister of finance, takes center stage. Like a strutting male peacock at Uganda Wildlife Educational Centre in Entebbe fanning out its feather when it sees a suitable mate, Kasaija holds out a briefcase – usually on the steps of parliament for all to see. Of course, there is a media frenzy as pictures are taken for the front pages of the newspapers for in that briefcase, there is something called The National Budget.

And for the next couple of hours at the podium, in a monotone voice, Kasaija will tell us his reasons for increasing taxes on say sugar, fuel and airtime. But budget reading is not for the sole preserve of Kasaija. At kwanjula’s and wedding meetings, all those who attend, listen keenly as Chairman reads out the budget. By the way, can I transgress a tad? There are now fundraising meetings for The Kid passing his or hers S4 and S6 exams, graduating from campus and soon we will having them for when The Kid graduates from nursery school into P1! 

Matia Kasaija - The Man With The National Budget

Getting back, the last wedding meeting I attended was a couple of years ago. Let’s call him Daniel Musoke for sake of it. Daniel was intent on marrying Susan – especially since they had been living together for a number of years and have two children between them.

When Chairman presented the budget at the first wedding meeting, it was a rather lengthy one that traversed the best part of four pages. Quickly scrawling through it, there were the usual wedding requirements – cars, reception food and drink, photography and so on. But sitting back and analyzing it with more scrutiny, there was something amiss.

The first two sections of the budget were dedicated to the needs of Bride and Groom that, included everything from suits, haircuts, wedding dress for Bride and whatever else that was required to make her oomph on the day.

Should we Be Paying for The Brides Lingerie? 

But it was item number 6 that really perturbed. It was listed as, and wait for it, wait for it: “knickers and bra for Bride” – along with an estimated cost of sh130k or so if I can properly recall. It bothered because knickers and bra for Bride are something private and should not have been listed on the budget at all. I mean, why would Daniel want everybody to know that Bride will be wearing underwear of 130k on the day of the wedding?

Another thing that disturbed, if Daniel couldn’t afford to buy Susan knickers and bras, and instead resorted begging at a wedding meeting for his friends to bail him out, what does that say about him? But worse, as Chairman read out the budget, and it came to that item, I glanced up at Susan and she didn’t seem to be bothered at all – almost like it was normal.

Surely The Bride Should Buy Her Own Shoes, Gomesi & Changing Dress

As the meeting wore on, Chairman invited us to contribute and pledge where we saw fit and in a flash, my hand shot up. “Yes TB, you want to make a contribution or you have a suggestion to make” he asked. With that, I rose to my feet and without any thought, I said something along the lines of: “Mr. Chairman, having looked at the budget, all items are pertinent to making the wedding a success. I also think the most important thing we have to consider, is the issue of Bride’s underwear. It would be most unfortunate if on the day, she turned up at her wedding minus those items. Therefore I pledge to pay for them”

There was more than a ripple of laughter along with snide comments of: “Mr. Chairman, does TB intend to be there when Bride is dressing up just to make sure she’s wearing the underwear he bought?” 

Pictures: New Vision, ugandaweddingsmoments.blogspot.com   

Are Burna Boy and Elephant Man A Menace To Uganda's Teen Society?

In 2011 if memory serves me right, O’Neal Bryan breezed into town with an entourage that included a manager and others. Except, that when he flew in, we didn’t know him as O’Neal Bryan but as Elephant Man, a Jamaican dancehall musician and singer. He was in town to perform at Club Silk’s Street Jam.

O'Neal Bryan - Aka Elephant Man

 I had never heard of Elephant nor had I listened to any of his music but I did attend the concert – not because I wanted to, but to help out as I always did at the jam since its inception. Backstage and hospitality was where I worked with Alan Ntanda.

When the larger than life Elephant walked into his VIP tent – a tent that had been kitted out with everything from mobile air-con units, an impressive buffet spread, drinks - Singleton, JW Blue, Jameson and all, he (Elephant)  took the ‘come-to-daddy for a spanking’ cream sofa while his aides scurried around him.

Drinks poured and Elephant settled, it was time to break out the toilet bag for a pre-smoke before going on stage. Okay, so I’ve been to a couple of places and seen Rasta spark up a ganja joint, but theirs were weenies compared to what Elephant rolled up. His looked more like an exhaust pipe of a Mercedes Benz G-63 Wagon. As he exhaled, in no time and despite the air-con running at full blast, it was not the place to be – if you get my drift...

By the time Elephant and Co took to the stage, they were high – ‘floating’ that what they did on stage – short of being something out of Kamasutra, was alarming and frightening. They plucked Hapless Teen Girl – still in her S3 school braces and stimulated sex with her on stage.

 

Elephant Man Has A Way With The Ladies On Stage

Elephant’s followers, were mostly Teen Girl screaming their pre-pubescent love out to him. As his performance drew to a close, Manager pulled at my arm and his gruff voice was to the point. “We need some backstage entertainment for Elephant.” With that, he scoured the front row picking out half a dozen young girls and took them into the VIP tent. To say Elephant was more than delighted by what Manager had set up, was an understatement.

No need to tell you what went on is there…?         

A few weeks ago, Damini Ogulu was in town – except and like O’Neal Bryan did by jetting in as Elephant Man, Ogulu breezed in as Burna Boy. Burna, so Daughter told me, is a Nigerian Afro-fusion singer who rose to prominence in 2012 after releasing the lead single – ‘Like to Party’.

 

Damini Ogulu Aka Burna Boy

Burna took his gig to Sheraton, and just like at Elephant’s gig, earsplitting hordes of Teen Girl were out in force – out doing those who attended Elephant’s do. First of all, they turned up ‘naked’ in that they wore barely visible clothes. As for the money that mummy and daddy had splashed on them for drinks, an Uber back home and emergency cash, muzinga’s of Coconut Ug Wa were the order of the night that some of them didn’t get to see Burna perform – let alone, make it through the first five minutes of the opening acts for they had passed out somewhere in the gardens and abandoned by their friends.

Is Burna Boy A Menace To Uganda's Teen Society?

But the real horror came when Barely 20-Year-Old-Boy whipped out a bag of pills – ecstasy so he tells me: “For 40k, just pop a couple of them in her drink and she will be too high to know what she’s doing.” If that wasn’t bad enough, just round the corner, a group of teens were doing the ‘lines’. Snorting lines of cocaine off their Samsung S10+ and Apple iPhone XS phones.

Parent, you might just want to pay more attention when Teen goes out at night because it ain’t to the movies.       

Pictures: madroad.com, Daily Monitor, Halleluja, nairobinews.nationco.ke

      

Do We Have To Recognize Everybody At A Function?

Just how important do you have to be, to be recognized at a function? Do you have to be a minster, have a Dr. title, be an ambassador or can being a mere plebe like most of us are, suffice?

  

Did M7 Ask Each Delegate To Stand Up For Recognition?

By the way, the last time I recall being a delegate at a conference was at Speke Resort some years ago. It was a conference that The Man With The Hat – M7 that is, for those of you not in the know, graced. For some reason, his opening comments were about the Chinese. He said: “The Chinese have small eyes because where they live is so closed that their eyes are always half closed.” The quote has nothing to do with today’s tale, but I merely threw it in because I felt the introduction was wanting.

Do The Chinese Really Have Small Eyes?

At the same conference, there were a number of delegates from abroad including an American Senator. Seeing it was a conference that had weight, everybody who rose to speak had a couple of things in common – especially the need to introduce everybody. To bring you squarely into the picture, this is what First Speaker opened up with.

“Your Excellency, President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Mrs. Janet Museveni who is the patron of the association, Mrs. Maria Mtagamba, honorable minister of wildlife, tourism and antiquities, the Senator from New York, the delegates from America, Nigeria, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi, North America, our partners Brussels Airlines, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the Government of Uganda…” the list went on. At one point we thought First Speaker was going to mention everybody in the hall for his intro went on for 4:17 minutes.

I know because I was timing First Speaker.

Seeing that First Speaker had established and recognized everybody who was important, when Second Speaker took to the podium, this is what was said:

“Your Excellency, President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Mrs. Janet Museveni who is the patron of the association, Mrs Maria Mtagamba, the honorable minister of wildlife, tourism and Antiquities, the Senator from New York, the delegates from America, Nigeria, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi, North America, our partners Brussels Airlines, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the Government of Uganda…” well along those lines but with a little variation here and there. It took him a little over 5 minutes to get through that ramble.

Third Speaker clocked in at just over four minutes as did the fourth.

Did He Introduce Everybody

If the greetings were not impressive enough, all speakers felt that they had to end with a “thank you” note. This was First Speaker.

“I would like to thank his Excellency President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda for agreeing to come and open this conference, the minister of tourism and wildlife, Brussels Airlines  - where are you, could you please stand up for recognition, the head of Uganda Chamber of Commerce Mrs. …. please stand up for recognition, Pastor…….. please stand up for recognition. Time spent? 3:20 minutes.

Second Speaker also felt it obligatory to spend 2:42 minutes saying: “I would like to thank his Excellency President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the minister of tourism and wildlife, Uganda Tourist Board…..” And so on it went with the third and fourth speakers.

Moving on, at a recent wedding reception MC, and after introducing himself felt he would be doing guests a great disservice if he did not introduce his wife as well as asking her to stand up for recognition. Really?!?

Is It Right To Introduce your Wife If You Are The MC At A Wedding?

Honestly speaking, do we really need to greet everybody just because we perceive them as being important? And how do we define who is important and who is not? Why can’t we simply leave it at: “His Excellency President Museveni, The First Lady, Mrs. Museveni, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen?” 

Pictures: kfm.co.ug, chicamod.com, muzungubloguganda.com, tapatalk.com, theagentsofchange.com