Allah, we have a problem. We
all at some point in our lives have protested. We protested as kids when Parent
melted down punishments that we thought were taken straight from a Nazi
handbook at Auschwitz. Some protest over working conditions while House-ee protests by serving rice
that is lumped better than posho or matooke can ever be lumped. The two doctors
– Kizza Besigye and Stella Nyanzi have also protested - KB over elections
results and Nyanzi over her office.
The last time I was in a
protest, it was in Masindi years ago and to quell my protestations, Security
Guard gave me a thorough lashing with a wire cane. Quelling the House-ee protest, we simply sack
her, while Besigye is slapped with imprisonment and house arrest.
In some protests, Protest Organiser
gives us an incentive to protest by becoming a martyr with a palatable and very
appealing bonus - especially if you are a man. In Islamic circles, especially
those that ISIS, Al Shabab and Al Queada drift in, it is said that at the end
of the protest, you will go to heaven as a martyr where Allah shall reward you
with 72 beautiful virgins - but only if you strapped enough TNT to your chest
and blown yourself up at a train station in Europe or better still in the US.
However, what Protest Organiser
does not tell us is: 1. When do we get the virgins. 2. Are they delivered in a
batch or once a month? 3. Where do they come from – Uganda, Brazil, Japan? 4.
Are they really beautiful with a Beyonce body - or are they fat mamas?
As a man, the thought of 72
virgins is right up my avenue and was tempted to find a martyrdom cause but,
and it’s an upper cased BUT. I was deeply perturbed when Failed Afghan
Protester who chickened out of the mission at the 11th hour, was found
wearing underwear made out of metal casing. When asked why during the
interrogation, he said something along the lines of: ‘Wanting to protect his
manhood from being blown up so he could ‘perform’ for his virgins. A valid
point that got me thinking twice.
Then came utterances by the
Canadian author - Irshad Manji, who was actually born here in Kampala
– Old Kampala to be precise. Currently, she is an advocate of
a ‘reformist’ interpretation of Islam and
was once described by The
New York Times as "Osama bin Laden's worst nightmare".
Manji argues that Muslim
Scholar has the wrong interpretation of the Koran and that Protest Organiser
has been feeding young men fibs about the virgins. According to her, in heaven,
Allah merely rewards with 72 raisins and not 72 virgins. He gives you raisins
so that when you return to the Middle East dessert, you can plant them and they
will grow to fruition despite the harsh climate.
The confusion she says came
about when Scholar, who was hard of hearing, heard the word ‘virgin’ and not
‘raisin’ and next, it became common folklore.
I am not overtly impressed with
Manji. She killed my virgin dream. I had it mapped out – frolicking on a
circular bed with silk sheets while Virgin1 feeds me the finest grapes from the
hills of Lebanon as Virgin66 massaged my chest with olive oil. Virgin42 would
be psyching me up for the task at hand and as the day wore into the night, I
would consummate my martyrdom by sleeping with Virgin14, 16 and 72.
But I really do feel very sorry
for Young Men who bought into the virgin dream and who are now spitting fire in
a hospital casualty ward in heaven – their genitalia blown off and awaiting to
be handed a kaveera of
raisins before being repatriated back to the harsh sun baked Middle East
dessert – probably somewhere near war ravaged Aleppo in Syria. You now see the
problem Allah?
Pictures & Caricature: Internet
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