Bitch!

Bitch! There, I said it. There is an irony associated with the bitch word. It’s meaning has changed without my knowledge from, bitch meaning female dog into a vulgar word. So why all the noise when somebody says bitch? In today’s world order, the people who govern the way in which we use words, you can safely say bitch while at the vet or when talking to a dog breeder and nobody will raise an eyebrow nor will castigate you for having used a ‘vulgar’ word. And how bitch was transformed from a female dog into a vulgar word, is a story for another Sunday. Interestingly enough, nobody has sought to class the word pussy as being vulgar yet, we all know it no longer means a young female cat but that certain part of the female anatomy!

In today’s cowardly tales I am talking female dogs, so I guess I am allowed to type bitch in full. But as you read and it appears as bi*ch, then you know that the profanity police held a gun to Sidney, the editor of this magazine and categorically told him it is not an appropriate word to use in a family magazine such as Discovery.

Anyway, some bitches are born into good families and live the life. The Phado as we call him, is into dog breeding. The way he talks about his bitches, you can really tell that he loves them. I have been to his house and no sooner does he park, than he is rushing over to see how they had spent the day.

Another person into bitches is Great Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II. Liz has a thing for Corgis’ and her Corgis,’ apart from living in Buckingham Palace, don’t sleep in kennels like The Phado’s bitches. From what I read, they sleep at the foot of her bed in the royal bedroom. Not even Prince Philip, her husband, sleeps in the royal bedroom. He has his quarters across the corridor from her and presumably nips in during the dead of the night when he wants some sawa ya malavuu. And when it comes to travel, they fly on the Queen’s Flight which, is what Airforce One is to Barrack Obama.

Let’s also not forget Kasirye Gwanga and King Oyo, who feeds his bitches on Sheraton Hotel food. Okay so they eat the leftovers and I have seen the Sheraton leftovers and given the chance, I too could comfortably live off them.

Since Osama Bin Laden, Al Shabab and Al Qaeda came to prominence so too has the number of dog breeders including private security firms who have sniffer dogs for hire. I have been in contact with sniffer dogs supplied by Uganda Police and recently when I was in Silk Ocean during a dog sweep I expressed my reservations. They used bitches.

Sensing my doubt that the bitches (please don’t think I’m getting a thrill out of typing the word bitches anymore than you want to read it, but they were bitches) really knew what to look for, the handler hid a ball and sent them out to find it. They found the ball but since it was not an explosive device I was still sceptical.

I have to be sceptical because some years back, I attended a conference at one of the big hotels in Kampala. A whole host of world leaders had flown in for the event so security was of paramount importance and all the police sniffer dogs were drafted in though, I am not too sure if Gwanga’s, The Phado’s or Oyo’s were amongst them.

Police Handler obviously put on a show for the hotel staff because they fled when they saw the bitches scampering through the hotel, their tongues hanging out of the corner of their mouths while dribbling malusu all over the carpets.

It was lunchtime and I was in the kitchen when the bitches came slavering through. The kitchen was running on full steam with the chefs shouting out orders and the waiters running around with trays when one of the waiters walked in with a steak that had been rejected. “The order was medium rare and not well done” Waiter tells Chef who, responds by barking back that next time he should write clearly. But rather than throw away an overdone steak, Chef offered it to me and I accepted. The steak was set aside ready to be eaten after the bitches did their thing.

When the order was given, the bitches went sniffing for incendiary devices amongst other things. The rich aroma of a pork chop on the grill, the meat muchomo or the chicken being grilled did not have them floundering, until the larger of the bitches stops in its tracks and sits down which, is an indication that it has found something suspicious. Police Handler looks all pleased with himself especially seeing that some of the top police brass from Kibuli police headquarters were observing.

Yes the bitch had found something but not an incendiary device. It had seen the overdone steak that had offended one of the guests. And just like that, it was back on its feet. It mounted the serving area, attacked the steak and gobbled it down all in the space of a few minutes. Police Handler stopped dead in his tracks, Top Police Brass looked at each other, Chef gave Waiter a rueful eye and I looked at the bitch in disgust while quietly saying bi*ch. I have had to type it that way because I am using it in the form of a swear word.

Looking for answers, Police Handler blurts out: “But she has never done this before. She is trained and not supposed to do that.” Well either the bitch had been starved or she was a reject from The Phado’s, Oyo or Gwanga’s kennels. As the bitch whimpered, I could swear I heard it burp in satisfaction at having eaten a sh24,000 steak that was supposed to be mine and then had the audacity to come and start wagging its tail on my leg. The b*tch!