Independence Day? Don't Make Me laugh

Do I have a cowardly tale for you this Sunday or what! But before I get into it, there is an itch that has been bothering me since I woke up. I know there is something very significant about today, Sunday October 9th but for the life of me I can’t think what it is. Ah, let me see. No it’s not my birthday. That’s in April. Perhaps I had been invited to a party? No, not that either. Was I supposed to have flown out? I can’t think, I can’t think! Okay seeing that it is going to nag at me, I think it’s prudent that I transgress and write about something else while I wait to see what the Google search yields.

New Portbell Road, especially between MUBS and Akamwesi Hostel should be declared an accident black spot zone. If not, the authorities should build an underpass so the students – especially the female students that is, can connect between Akamwesi and MUBS. You see, I have had numerous near miss car accidents on that road because I am too busy ogling the nubile female students instead of concentrating on the flow of traffic ahead. And like Family Buffet Policewoman told me when I almost knocked her over: “You man, do you know what crime you have committed? You men are all the same. As soon as you see these young campus girls, you take your eyes off the road and instead of knocking the girls you were looking at, you want to knock me. Is it because I am fat?”

I didn’t know what response she hoped to illicit from me so I just kept quiet, stared at her and thought, if I took her to Zone 7 for lunch, I bet she could waffle down the entire buffet on her own. That’s why I’ve tagged her ‘family buffet’ for the fatness that she had on her.

Ah, the Google search on October 9th is complete and eek, it tells me that today is Uganda’s Independence Day and the nation is celebrating its 49th birthday! How could I have forgotten that? Well, I did and trust me it was not a hard thing to do.
So what that today is Independence Day. I am not feeling the slightest bit patriotic nor do I feel inclined to trudge down to Kololo Airstrip to be part of the celebrations or switch television channels from some Nigerian movie full of juju scenes on Africa Magic onto UBC to listen to another lengthy speech from President Museveni.

I would like to be patriotic. I want to wave the Ugandan flag about and sing all three stanzas of the national anthem but I don’t because the authorities, the people in government do not allow me - and even you out there to be patriotic.
Early this year I went round parts of Uganda taking photographs of various landmarks so I could send them to an old school friend from Missouri in the US and who will be visiting Uganda for the first time this December. It should have been an easy affair but the government, the authorities, the police, ISO and just about every security organ blocked me the moment they saw the camera.

First point of call was parliament. I stood outside the main gates, focused and started clicking away. As I did, through the corner of my eye I saw a security official dressed in black and wielding an AK-47 walking hurriedly towards me. Lowering the camera, he was pointing in my direction and shouting out in Swahili. Since I had no beef with him I went back to clicking away until I felt a thud in my back.

Looking round, I am surrounded by security who, are asking me a multitude of questions in quick succession that I don’t know who to answer first. The demanding questions range from “identify yourself, where are you from, who told you to take pictures, this is a secure zone, you don’t take pictures of parliament, we have the authority to arrest you, affande we should take him to CPS.”

The funny thing about security people is that when you answer back, you are deemed to be trying to appear smart and they don’t like it. When I told them that parliament belongs to all Ugandan’s because it is we the electorate who elect the people who use parliament, one chap who was so obviously an ISO operative shot back. “Are you an MP?” His friend also chipped in, “do you know the laws of Uganda?”
It took a number of phone calls to extradite myself from their interrogation and onto State House, Nakasero I went.

I didn’t even have the time to get the camera out of its protective casing when they were upon me. With the digital camera confiscated, they started to browse through the pictures I had taken earlier. They wanted to know everything about the 60 or so pictures that were stored in its memory and what I was doing loitering outside State House. My answer was simple enough.
TB: “I want to take pictures of State House so I can send them to my friend in America and tell him that this is where Museveni lives”.
There is a silence, like a two minute silence.
Security: “Who is your friend in America?”
TB: “Matthew, Matthew Holberg. Do you know him?”
Eh, for a while there I could have sworn I saw Security Chap scratching his head to see if the name rang a bell. Before I am released, I am told that State House Nakasero, State House Entebbe and all State Lodges are off limits to us wanainchi. We are not allowed to walk near State House, take pictures of it or even linger about in its vicinity.
TB: “When they call it State House, am I not part of the sate?”
Security: “TB, I know you. You are a stubborn man. Just go home.”
TB (sarcastically)“Perhaps the Museveni’s are embarrassed about the house that they live in and that’s why I can’t take pictures?”
The sarcastic joke fell flat.

Okay so parliament is out as is State House. Let’s try Owen Falls Dam. Owen Falls Dam just like the bridge at Karuma Falls are considered by the government to be places of ‘strategic interest’ and must be protected at all costs. The interpretation of ‘all costs’ means no photography is permitted.

Digging around, I find that we Ugandan’s are not allowed to take pictures of many government institutions. You can’t even take a picture of the museum without the guard there jumping on you. You can’t even own a flag or hoist one up in your compound. People who have flags on their cars like the artiste Bobi Wine amongst others, are breaking the law and are liable for arrest. Flags on cars are for the president and his ministers.

When a friend of mine who used to live on Munyonyo Road and who we call Kashari, hoisted a flag off the roof of his house, he received a ‘friendly visit’ from some people in security advising that it would be in his best interests if he pulled it down. Totally absurd!

In other countries – like the US, South Africa, UK, Netherlands and Spain for example, the authorities there have no issues with you if you took pictures of say The White House, Camp David, Buckingham Palace or 10 Downing Street.

And owning a flag? What is so wrong with owning a flag they would ask? As a national, you are entitled to own a flag because a flag among many other things build patriotism.

The funny thing though, is that we are all allowed to own a portrait of President Museveni and we are allowed to hang it up on the walls of our shops, offices and homes. Weird isn’t it?

With that said, I say to hell with Independence Day. I am going to spend the day patriotically watching Nigerian movies. Let the people who are in government, President Museveni, his cabinet, the security people - ISO, JATT, Anti Terrorism, police and the military police who without reservation enforce draconic laws like prohibiting me from taking pictures of Parliament, State House and Owen Falls Dam have Independence Day to themselves.

And who knows, next year they might start telling the people who gather at Kololo for the celebrations that what they are doing is illegal and that Independence Day of ‘strategic interest’ to the government so they better disperse and go home.