Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Women Encroaching On Our Jobs

I believe in women and in the ability of some women to do jobs that were once reserved for us males. Some women have turned out to be better mechanics, engineers, HGV drivers and submariners for example. My philosophy is quite simple. Jobs are given out on merit and if a woman candidate happens to better than the male candidate then give it to her – regardless of whether the job is one that has been traditionally done by us males.

However, and this is where I contradict myself because there is a ‘but’ and I mean a big ‘BUT!’ We men, especially those who hangout on Luwum Street, downtown and the taxi park areas for example, we have always prided ourselves on our ability to be idle.

We squat by the roadside scratching away at our scrotums with toothpicks in our mouth while we dribble malusu at just about every woman who walks past.

Women have to know, have to understand that while men have embraced them into taking away some of our jobs from us, there are some jobs that we will fight tooth and nail to hold on to and one of those jobs is that of being idle.

Being idle not a craft that you just wake up one morning and decide that you want to be idle. It is a craft requires quite a bit of training, and understanding of what exactly it means to be idle.

Women, when you see us men squatting by the road side and scratching away at our scrotum, it is not something we learned overnight or picked up in a book that is sold in Aristoc. Hell no! It is in our genes, genes that have been passed on from generation to generation.

As kids we honed our skills by watching our fathers and grandfathers being idle. We picked certain elements from them. We had to find out the proper etiquette, the acceptable way so as not to be embarrassed.

Seeing that I was always in boarding school I didn’t pick any tips from my father or grandfather. Rather, I had to rely on people like Muzee, Doc and others, so I am not as good as I ought to be and I certainly don’t have the skills that they have. But given time and I am sure I will eventually master the trade.

When we open our mouths and let the malusu spill out, do women know why we do it? Do they think we just open our mouths and let it all spill out and without thought?

Well women think that is what we men do but we don’t. Each woman who we idly lust at, there is a different kind of malusu that we spew out. Let me give it to you straight. When we idle at a woman with a perky bosom, we slither the malusu out but not in one blob. It slithers out from the corner of our mouth almost like a string and the experts – Muzee, Doc, Willo, can make that malusu string almost touch the ground where it builds up into a ball. And when we are satisfied, we don’t let the malusu go to waste. Rather, we suck it back up. Are you with me?

And when we squat, the proper way to squat is to have your butt hovering at least six inches off the ground. We also have to balance ourselves because there will be a point when we have to sort out the scrotum.

Women think we tug at the scrotum but we don’t. If fact, if you see any man doing just that, tell him off. This is what he is supposed to do. He is supposed to caress and to gently knead in the most sublime way. And while he is doing this, he is supposed to be staring out into space – lost and oblivious to what is going on round him.

And when he lets rip with the malusu, it is not as fine and as sophisticated as the malusu that is let rip when we see a babe with a perky bosom. This one is all over the place – almost the way a dog with rabies frothes.

I really don’t see why women would want to join this profession. Can’t they give us some dignity? If women take this away from us, then what will they want next? Will they want to taking ‘peeing while standing up’ away from us?

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