Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The High Altitude Toilet Mishap

I have to respect to the engineers who built Boeing, Airbus and Concorde - though I am not too sure about the Concorde people because after one plane crash, the entire Concorde fleet was grounded. I mean, how they came up with the technological genius of putting us into a tin box that would soar into the skies and transport us across continents and oceans, is a feat to be marvelled at.
In building an airliner, Engineer pretty much got everything covered except the toilets. The toilet, and if you are tall as I am, involves a complexity if you intend to sit down on the pan. And larger people are not exempt either – just ask the presenter Straka.
I flew into Nairobi last weekend, but what the heck was the pilot of the Air Uganda plane thinking? He flew the plane at an incredible speed that, we got into JKIA fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. So what exactly was wrong with that?
What was wrong?! What was wrong?! Jesus Christ, it only allowed enough time to quaff a solitary can of beer instead of the usual four or more. And I am sure he flew that fast to cut costs, to save the airline beer money because he knew I was on the flight.
Getting back, one can of beer inside me has never necessitated the need for me to go to the washroom, but on this occasion it did. With a seemingly clear sky, I hit the washroom and trust my luck for no sooner had I unzipped and flopped out the segwanga, we hit turbulence.
The mechanics of trying to have a pee in a toilet the size of the average domestic fridge and at God knows what altitude and in conditions where the plane is being tossed all over the skies are not all that easy.
As I got thrown about, the first squirt of pee missed the pan and ended up on the wall as the plane banked left. So I held back and just when I thought all was okay and I unleashed another squirt, we hit more turbulence and this time the pee splashed across the mirror and on my trousers.
To stem the damage, I sought to sit on the pan and though the plane was tossing all over, I did eventually manage wriggle myself into position but by then there was of course, no pee left to squirt out.
Before I left the washroom, I had to clean up the pee that squirted across the mirror, the floor, the wall and on my person too.
That said, the word compensation now springs to mind. But do I sue Air Uganda for flying us through turbulent weather or do I sue the aircraft manufacturer for wasting money on ridiculously frivolous things like passenger safety, seatbelts, in-flight entertainment, blankets, booze and dish than on making the toilets bigger - so that tall people like me and larger people like Straka can sit on the pan without much difficulty?
Imagine the embarrassment of emerging from with washroom with a susu stain down my trousers. Do you see where I am flying from?

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