The Kwanjula

Sanjay Patel, is an authority on fireworks for he has been dealing with them for a number of years. And he will tell you that they are ‘explosives’ and are not to be taken lightly. They can burn and even blind if they are not handled correctly.

So I am at a kwanjula that was beset with issues from the start. But I will start off with the fireworks. Well they weren’t really fireworks that shoot up into the skies but mini ones that sparkle. Once the cake was cut, Chap who thought he was Sanjay Patel lit a couple of them. As soon as he lit them, it was obvious that something was bound to go wrong. He kept directing the sparkles into the guests and for the fear of going blind, I did the needful and shielded my eyes.

There were a couple of fly looking girls who, were dancing round the cake and that is where Chap took himself next. He lit up another one but got too close to one of the girls that her hair caught fire! This is no joke. Her hair was in flames with a plume of smoke billowing out of it.

This is what happened next. The girl had no idea that her hair was on fire so Chap did the needful and battered her head in a bid to put out the flames. It worked but in the process of battering her head, she was elbowing him in the ribs and in an act of ‘self defence’. I should not have laughed seeing I was sitting on the front row but I had to as it was comical.

Still on the kwanjula, it was one that appeared to have a tight budget. Yes I know not everybody can afford to have a lavish one, but in some instances especially when it comes to service providers, you might have to think twice when going for the cheaper option.

The chap who provided the PA system let everybody down. From the start, the microphones were not working. And when they worked, there was feedback – a screech that had us covering our ears for the best part of the function.

And what was the DJ up to? He thought he was playing music for school kids on holiday because the volume level was so high that every two minutes or so, the spokesmen had to keep on telling him to tone it down. Even when the two spokesmen were doing their thing, he ashamedly, saw no harm in playing a song or two.

If the DJ was that bad, it was the one of the photographers who took the biscuit.

Do you know those tacky pictures of weddings and kwanjula’s that you sometimes see in the papers? I now know who is responsible for them.

Photographer was in his element in trying to get the groom and the bride to pose in what he presumed was an award winning pose. At one point when the couple were sitting on the sofa he thought it would be a good idea to place a bouquet of flowers on the headrest in between them.

He also thought it a good idea to have their hands entwined while holding wine glasses and flowers. What was he on – crack cocaine?

Finally there were the caterers who, saw it fit to turn up four hours late. Their excuse? Traffic. And after keeping us waiting for four hours, the food was nothing to write home about. Biting into the chicken luwombo was akin to biting into a piece of rubber!

As end, I still feel for the girl who had her hair burnt and have to wonder what chemicals she had in it to make it so flammable.