Monday, September 30, 2013

Ban Fat People From Sitting On Plastic Chairs


There is a need to save our plastic chairs from fat people.

I was at Kati Kati a few Saturday’s ago for the Myko Ouma show and Policewoman manning the security desk, was not about to win the 100 meter race even if Usain Bolt had given her a two week head start.

She looked like a beached whale waiting for a mechanical digger to come lift her out of the sand and throw her back into the sea. The veracious veins on her legs were also having a hard time trying to circulate the blood round her body while the Nice House of Plastic chair upon which she sat, could barely hold the bulk of her bottom.

But I love competition – especially between Policewoman, Midwife and Dubai Woman because they compete amongst themselves to see who has the fattest bottom. When it comes to sitting down, each one of them is particular about the type of seat they use considering their mass bulk bottoms. Midwife and Dubai Woman have got it down to an art but sadly, Policewoman is still dithering about.

I have never seen a skinny midwife. Even abroad, they are all on the fat side and that tempts me to believe it’s a pre-requisite for getting the job. Dr. Ian Clarke would know seeing that his IHK midwifes are fat but his phone was off when I called to enquire.

Midwife knows her preferred chair. It’s the one with wheels on it. Given the chance, she would wheel herself to the labour ward but she has yet to figure out a way to wheel herself up and down the stairs.

Even if two out of four wheels are missing, it won’t deter Midwife. And if you have carefully observed her, she is at her best when she is wheeling herself to the corner of the room where she has stored her enormous flask of tea and enough mandazi’s to feed the entire out-patients department.  

Getting back to Policewoman, she had forced her fat bottom into a chair that was obviously too small for her for whenever she stood up, the seat also came up with her!

I couldn’t resist the temptation to take a jibe at her and told her this: “James Mulwana must be turning in his grave at the sight of your bottom vandalizing his chairs.”

She didn’t get the jibe but in trying to push the chair off her bottom she cracked one of the arm rests. With that, there was the urge to follow up the jibe with a touch of sarcasm and though I tried to stifle it, it came out as easy as Askari tossing his ‘flying toilet’ onto the rail tracks in Namuwongo after doing his number two.

“Now look, you have broken Mulwana’s chair” I told her. She was vexed and humiliated because I walked in without being checked while she withered about trying to extract the seat from her bottom.

At the show, Dubai Woman stood on the fringes scanning the seats for a good sturdy one. She and her fat bottomed friends were very careful when it came to choosing plastic seats. They prefer the ones without armrests and for obvious reasons. They don’t want to get stuck like Policewoman did. And they also know that one seat won’t hold the kilos of their bottoms so they stack two or three for extra strength.

If only police PRO, Judith Nabakooba, could circulate a memo to Policewoman telling her not to use plastic chairs with arm rests, it might do a lot to save the chairs and she (Policewoman) won’t get stuck.

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