The Nut Cases

I know it would be a tall order if I thought the rest of Uganda was as level headed as I am. My sanity levels are still in check and if I were to go off the rails, it would be nothing too extreme.

Ok, when I was fourteen I thought I was an experienced driver so I stole dads Range Rover while he was at work and is there any need to tell you what happened? I crashed as it was expected of any teenager who thought he was an experienced driver but really wasn’t.

I would also like to think that Gera, Nodin, Doc and Julius are all of sane mind but, after a few beers, they have been known to take leave of their senses and do things that can best be described as irrational and unbecoming of the people that they really are.

In today’s world, there are people with issues. Some issues are the normal run-of-the-mill issues while others are difficult to comprehend.

I was watching Taboo USA on National Geographic and I was disturbed by what I saw. There was this man who believed he was born a dog and trapped in a human body.

I think there is a need for me to pause while you rush off to your drinks cabinet and pour yourselves a stiff whiskey like I did before I continue with the tale. You done?

So convinced he is a dog that at his home, he sleeps in a kennel! And there is more. During the day he dresses up as a dog, and gets his friend to lead him round town on a dog leash. At the stores, he doesn’t buy himself sane people’s food like cornflakes, bread or pasta, but dog food - dog cookies and canned dog meat.

Still on Taboo USA, in the next segment and I’ll pause while you go for a whiskey refill, the next chap thought he was a vampire. He believed it was in him, in his spirits. Speaking to camera, he said: “If I don’t get my fill of human blood, my body won’t cope”. So where did he get the human blood to drink so his body would cope?

Easy. He simply advertised and there were volunteers who allowed him to sink his ‘fangs’ into their backs and drink their blood. Jeez, talk of daft volunteers.

By this stage the whiskey was no longer doing it for me. I needed something stronger – crack cocaine, amphetamines and heroin to get to grips with what I was seeing.

Yes, we all have ambition of some sort and sometimes we all aspire to be people who we are not but WTF, those aspirations have to be within reason. I mean, I have never woken up with a desire to be Beyonce in a tight leather basque. Bobbi Wine yes, because it’s within reason, but Beyonce? Please!

What I didn’t click is, the programme had a panel of Psycho-analysts and in their analysis, they didn’t certify Dog Man and Vampire Man as being people fit for the lunatic bin and the key thrown away. In their ‘psycho-analysis’ they said, ‘these things happen.’ Hmm!

That said, I wonder what would happen if I told Dad that it’s suddenly dawned on me that I was meant to be born a dog.

Tell a lie, I do know. With the help of Nodin, Doc, Paulo and Julius, Dad would have me in a straight jacket and whisked off to Butabika without waiting for Psycho-analyst to tell him why it is that I thought I was born a dog. By the way, Dog Man and Vampire Man were both white. Phew!