Bad Manners At The Party

Do we have to vet the people we invite to our homes for a house party? Yes we do.

Patrick has a huge frame but despite it, he is not threatening and is a very likable and jolly person. Well he was until the last person to use the toilet in his house during a house party, decided to pee on the floor. That was it. The party which was in full swing with a mayhem of conversation, food, drink and music came to a stop. Not mincing his words, he barked out: “And which one of you has pissed all over my floor?” The silence was so deftly that it freaked.

Obviously, nobody owned up, so he asked again and this time in a gruff and threatening manner – enough to induce the girl sitting next to me to start her menstrual cycle four days early. With no reply forthcoming, he turned the music back on and spent the rest of the party vexing about how grown up people had messed up his toilet floor.

And then I had to go for a pee which got me into a panic. What if I ended up messing his floor? What would he do? To be on the safe side, I gave the toilet a miss, took a walk into his gardens, flopped ‘him’ out and squirted all over his roses. Half way into the squirt, I heard him. I heard the gruff voice bark: “Who is pissing on my roses?” When he saw me, he too started peeing over his roses while assuring me that I was not like the other mother f****rs who pissed on his floor.

Three weeks ago, Anus threw a party for his kid at home. There was enough to drink and eat and for those who primarily drink beer, were waiting for the sun to go down before starting on the spirits – especially the Vodka.

However, there were two guests – one male, one female who were on a different agenda. Female Guest walked up to the drinks table, picked up a bottle of wine, had a taster then walked off with the bottle. Hmm, giving her ten minutes to settle in, I walked over to her and asked her for the wine. She looked at me all confused - as if she could have sworn she heard me asking for the bottle of wine. So I repeated myself. With more than a tad of anger in her voice, she calmly told me that she was going to share the bottle with Girlfriend. “What about the other wine drinkers” I shot back. Looking round and then into my face, with a smirk, she says: “They are drinking beer!”

But it was the vodka bottle that irked. It irked Anus and everybody else who was looking forward to having a tot or two. Anus eventually found the empty bottle under one of the guests seats. Guest had made the bottle exclusively his own to drink. I was not to be shared with anybody and it had to be hidden out of sight.

Anus walked off but Guest was not all that bothered. Leaning over he asks me: “Is he going to bring another bottle?” That floored me.

At another party, Female Guest came with two plastic containers into which she was packing food. When asked what on earth she thought she was doing, her answer was to the point. “Seeing that I did not cook for the kids before I left home, I am packing takeaway for them.” But when told that the food is for guests who are present, with no shame, she responded: “Then they should have invited my kids.” E-mail me and I will tell you who she is just in case you have invited her to your party next week.