There is,
more to the month of this December than it merely being the last month of 2014
and the month of the Christmas festivities. It is, also the month of bonuses.
December is
that critical month, the month when bosses ‘are supposed’ to bestow upon us a
bonus as a sign of gratitude for the hard work we have done over the year. Even
House-ee, as she heads off to kyalo, she too, expects her December pay plus
bonus.
Security
Guard who works for Saracen will also expect a double bonus – one from his
employer Saracen and the other from you, the person whose house he guards.
Grass Cutter whom you have been calling since the start of December to come and
do the needful but to no avail, will suddenly materialise this Christmas week. He
too is also thinking of his bonus while with no tact, Traffic Policewoman will
spit it out in black and white and simply say: “Eh, you have not left me
Christmas” after she stops you for a nonexistent traffic violation.
But it’s the
church that bothers me – God, Bishop and Pastor et al whose eyes bulge at the
thought of rich December bonuses like Pastor who has a church along Entebbe
Road. In his church, you sit according to how much you expect to give him. Sh1m
plus will get you a seat at the foot of the pulpit, 500k somewhere in the
middle and 25k outside in the shade. But that’s not all. If he is to pray for
you, as in a private prayer, it will cost you at least 1m plus. Hmm! And this
Christmas day week, he will have no shortage of people willing to give him a bonus.
While Victor
is an Oga from Ghana and holds the title of ‘Bishop’, he looks more like a
shady doctor from the backstreets of Accra waiting to chloroform you so he can
butcher your stomach open and make off with your kidneys. Hiding behind crocodile
skin shoes and a starched Ghanaian robe, he does not use a bible for his
biblical quotations but, an iPad.
Watching him
at the pulpit, he exhibits no religious traits and ends everything he babbles
out with: ‘money’. He told us: “You can’t expect the Lord to look favourably
upon you if you go to him empty handed.....dig into your pockets, pull out a
note and hold it up for the Lord to see.” Me pull out my 10k note? Was he on
crack? Like a few others, I pulled out 200 shillings which did not go down well
with him. He harassed us into pulling out notes and there went the 10k into a
basket, a basket that was taken into a back room and never to be seen again.
As the
service drew to a close, he held up envelopes and told us: “Come and get an
envelope for the Lord. Put in 100k, 200k, 500k or 1m. If you don’t have the
money, go and borrow. If you can’t afford your donation in one go, you can do
it in two instalments.” Hmm, God wants us to end the year in debt?
But as I wait
for my Sunday Vision bonus, can God really justify getting a bonus this year? I
mean, when House-ee was busy goofing and trampling on 18-Month-Old Kid recently,
where was God? Was he engrossed in watching Mary Luswatta on Scoop on Scoop,
Big Brother Africa and re-runs of Jeremy Clarkson and Top Gear that he didn’t
notice the melee unfold? Seeing he did bleak, I really don’t think he deserves
a bonus – do you? Anyway, if I do end up in church on Christmas day, look for me
in the cheap 1k seats at the far end of the car park. And on that religious
bombshell, have a good Christmas!
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