Saturday, December 20, 2014

No Church This Christmas. All I Want Is My Sunday Vision Bonus!

There is, more to the month of this December than it merely being the last month of 2014 and the month of the Christmas festivities. It is, also the month of bonuses.

December is that critical month, the month when bosses ‘are supposed’ to bestow upon us a bonus as a sign of gratitude for the hard work we have done over the year. Even House-ee, as she heads off to kyalo, she too, expects her December pay plus bonus.

Security Guard who works for Saracen will also expect a double bonus – one from his employer Saracen and the other from you, the person whose house he guards. Grass Cutter whom you have been calling since the start of December to come and do the needful but to no avail, will suddenly materialise this Christmas week. He too is also thinking of his bonus while with no tact, Traffic Policewoman will spit it out in black and white and simply say: “Eh, you have not left me Christmas” after she stops you for a nonexistent traffic violation.

But it’s the church that bothers me – God, Bishop and Pastor et al whose eyes bulge at the thought of rich December bonuses like Pastor who has a church along Entebbe Road. In his church, you sit according to how much you expect to give him. Sh1m plus will get you a seat at the foot of the pulpit, 500k somewhere in the middle and 25k outside in the shade. But that’s not all. If he is to pray for you, as in a private prayer, it will cost you at least 1m plus. Hmm! And this Christmas day week, he will have no shortage of people willing to give him a bonus.

While Victor is an Oga from Ghana and holds the title of ‘Bishop’, he looks more like a shady doctor from the backstreets of Accra waiting to chloroform you so he can butcher your stomach open and make off with your kidneys. Hiding behind crocodile skin shoes and a starched Ghanaian robe, he does not use a bible for his biblical quotations but, an iPad.  

Watching him at the pulpit, he exhibits no religious traits and ends everything he babbles out with: ‘money’. He told us: “You can’t expect the Lord to look favourably upon you if you go to him empty handed.....dig into your pockets, pull out a note and hold it up for the Lord to see.” Me pull out my 10k note? Was he on crack? Like a few others, I pulled out 200 shillings which did not go down well with him. He harassed us into pulling out notes and there went the 10k into a basket, a basket that was taken into a back room and never to be seen again.

As the service drew to a close, he held up envelopes and told us: “Come and get an envelope for the Lord. Put in 100k, 200k, 500k or 1m. If you don’t have the money, go and borrow. If you can’t afford your donation in one go, you can do it in two instalments.” Hmm, God wants us to end the year in debt?

But as I wait for my Sunday Vision bonus, can God really justify getting a bonus this year? I mean, when House-ee was busy goofing and trampling on 18-Month-Old Kid recently, where was God? Was he engrossed in watching Mary Luswatta on Scoop on Scoop, Big Brother Africa and re-runs of Jeremy Clarkson and Top Gear that he didn’t notice the melee unfold? Seeing he did bleak, I really don’t think he deserves a bonus – do you? Anyway, if I do end up in church on Christmas day, look for me in the cheap 1k seats at the far end of the car park. And on that religious bombshell, have a good Christmas!    

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