Monday, June 8, 2015

When You Make A Dime, How Do You Spend It?

Then it happens. At the reading of the will, as Musika (heir), you find that Dad left you large chunks of land in Nakasongola, Mubende and beyond. But you are Kampala Boy with no interest in farming or battling Squatter, so you off load the land. All you want to do is live large.

Your bank account that had previously never seen more than sh4m, suddenly has a figure with endless zero’s that even the ATM has difficulty in fitting them onto the bank balance slip.

Though you have ‘arrived’, you are not quite in the same bank balance league as say Sudhir, Wava or Bob Kabonero, but with your few billions, you can nevertheless hold your own. So what next – how do you ‘up’ your status?

Where you previously used the ATM to draw money – because it’s discreet and never told anybody that you queued up to withdraw your last 5k, it’s now worth walking into the banking hall and watch Teller Girl’s head spin when she sees your bank balance.

The trip to Spear Motors for that Mercedes G65 AMG has to happen, as is the need to move out of the rented shoe box Naalya crib and give Landlord the ‘finger’. The services of House Broker in the trading centre by the stage will not be required because you are up-market with Knight Frank sorting out a suitable executive mansion.

Despite all that, XFM’s Siima, Rudende and Libolo have not called you in for an interview so there is still the need to up your game further by surfing the net to see what UK Millionaire is doing.

British Millionaire used to be content with Cleaner, Gardener and Driver - but now, no wealthy home is complete without Dog Nanny, Butler and Social Media Manager.

Let’s start with the dog. While Bitch Dog used to eat the scraps House-ee threw out after supper and then roamed Naalya’s backstreets for dogs to take advantage of, get it Dog Nanny. Nina Cole, founder of Nina’s Nannies for Pets in Bedfordshire, charges £29 (sh124,700) a day for one dog, while live-in nannies earn up to £50,000 (sh215,000,000) a year. One Dog Nanny described her job as – “catering to the whims of Bitch Dog. I am basically her confidante, taking her for walks, feeding her, hanging out with her and jealously guarding her diamond studded collar!”

What about the kids? Apart from moving them from Buganda Road School to Kampala International School at $3,000 per term, why not also get them Social Media Manager to supervise the content they post online? One manager said, “Young people have a lack of understanding about long-term consequences and pose a risk for themselves and their families when interacting online. Posting locations, information about personal security and details about wealth, can be innocently be spilled to millions of followers and of course, you don’t want them seeing Desire Luzinda’s or Anita Fabiola’s nude selfies on WhatsApp - do you?

Meanwhile, House-ee whose only cooking skills are ‘posho like rice’ with a watery beef stew has to be fired in favour of Butler – if you can afford his yearly salary of £75,000, (sh322,500,000) plus accommodation, food and travel costs.

Sara Rahmani, who runs the British Butler Academy says: “You can fake a Rolex, you can fake a handbag, but you can’t fake a butler. A butler is a status symbol.”

With all that, your social status would have been elevated to a dizzy height to guarantee you a slot on XFM, a double spread in Kampala Sun – with Bukedde jumping on the bandwagon and running a headline and a picture of you and Bitch Dog with her diamond collar that reads - “Mugaga awadde Em’bwa bling eya diamond!”

Bank of Under Mattress, Bank of Mayuuni Plantation Still Open For Business!

Just in case you didn’t know this, Bank of Under Mattress, Bank of Inside Toilet Cistern, Bank of Under Floor Board and Bank of Mayuuni Pl...