Women Can Fall For A Fake Penis

I would like to think that I am pretty liberal when it comes to matters of the bedroom. But in saying that, my liberal sexual attitude does not wander off into loony tune land.

I am also pretty sure that even after an night out drinking crates of Tusker Malt and Uganda Wa and I ended up getting near blind drunk and wound up in bed with a woman I barely knew, alarm bells would go off the moment there was the slightest deviation from the ‘normal sexual pattern.’

I mean, I would be perturbed if Woman always insisted on getting undressed in the dark and blindfolding me that, sirens loud enough to attract a rapid security response from PGB or Saracens security would start ringing.

But this week in England, when Female Victim started a relationship with 25-year-old Gayle Newland, incredibly, alarm bells didn’t ring.  

Gayle had a thing for Female Victim and rather than simply asking her out, she set up a Facebook profile under the alias Kye Fortune then sent Female Victim a friend request telling her that he knew of her through a mutual friend.

As their relationship developed, Gayle/Kye and Female Victim exchanged 1,859 messages and called each other hundreds of times over a 20-day period. During telephone conversations, Gayle/Kye explained away his high-pitched voice as a result of his Filipino heritage.

Feeling comfortable at the direction the relationship was headed, Female Victim made a number of requests to meet in person, but each time Gayle or rather Kye came up with repeated excuses.

When they finally met in a hotel room, to avoid being outed, Gayle/Kye bound her chest to hide her breasts and wore a woolly hat and swimsuit to disguise her appearance. She told Female Victim that: “I am self-conscious about my appearance after hospital treatment.” 

After some small talk the couple moved on to sex with Female Victim agreeing to follow 'rules' that Gayle/Kye had laid which included not touching the ‘penis' and wearing a blindfold. With Female Victim blind folded, Gayle strapped on a prosthetic penis and had sex with Female Victim.

Female Victim met Gayle/Kye on a second occasion for sex but this time, she became suspicious and removed the blindfold. To her horror, the person she thought was her boyfriend and whose erection was always solid and never went limp, was in fact a female she knew from university and who was wearing a strap on penis! Ouch, ouch, ouch!

I have to pause for a while and crack open a bottle of Uganda Wa as I take stock of the situation.  

Let’s back track because something does not really add up. Gayle/Kye and Female Victim were friends at university. After eying up Female Victim, Gayle/Kye gets ‘all wet’ and falls for her. But there is a problem. How does she lure Female Victim into bed? Ah, let me invent myself into a man called Kye, bind my boobs till they are flat, go to the nearest sex shop and get a prosthetic penis so Gayle won’t suspect a thing.

Can we pause again so I can swig more Uganda Wa? Cool? Thanks.

I really have to wonder where Female Victim got the brains that enabled her to get into university because she is so daft. She is so daft that she would win Miss Daft hands down.

Surely she must have felt that there was something wrong with the penis as it went to work on her. I also presume it must be quite difficult to have sex with a person and not touch them in one way or another.

And worse, Gayle or whatever she called herself was somebody she knew from university!

On the two occasions that they had sex, they weren’t even blazed but stone cold sober. How could she not have noticed that something was amiss? And when Female Victim went to the toilet after her lover, did she not wonder why the toilet seat was in the down position and not in the upright position as men tend to leave it?

It’s a hard paper, but this affair is one to laugh at.

By the way, Female Victim has taken has taken Gayle/Kay to court for rape and interestingly enough, she does acknowledge that while she did consent to having sex, she was expecting a real penis and not a prosthetic one that was probably manufactured by slave labour in China!