Porn Is The Key To Being Religious

I no longer feel guilty. All along, I’ve been walking this dusty city feeling low, embarrassed, downcast and especially pervy. I felt like wherever I went – Kansanga, Ntinda, Wandegeya or Ndeeba, the whole town was pointing fingers and laughing because of the sign hanging round my neck that reads – ‘TB watched porn last night’.

According to society and Uganda’s top Porn/Perv Cop – Father Lokodo (below) that is, porn is something that need to be stamped out. And to do it, he needs to spend sh2.6bn on a porn detecting machine so that he can drive to my house (and yours) in the dead of the night and park outside my window and detect if I am watching: ‘36DD Sexy Suzie Gets a Lashing in Jamaica or ‘When Busty Lucy met King Dong’ and promptly have me arrested.    

Father Lokodo aside, I have often wondered what drives men, women, children and entire communities to become - ‘saved, born again, God fearing or mulokole.’ Is it because they want to get a head start on the rest of us in the traffic jam to heaven? Is it something to do with Pastor and his ability to confuse? Is it wanting to be ‘holier than thou?’ Or perhaps, it’s something to do with retiring in the luxury gardens of Eden?

But wait a minute. Being saved, God fearing, born again and mulokole has nothing to do with wanting to chill in the Garden of Eden, being able to quote bible verses, God, heaven, prayers or going to church for overnight mass. Rather, it’s all about and wait for it, wait for it, wait for it – porn! Just in case you thought it’s a typo, let me re-type the word and swing it in upper casing - PORN.  

You see, in a paper published in the Journal of Sex Research three weeks ago by Dr. Samuel Perry, it found that people who indulge in pornographic viewing – here defined as once a week or more, increased in spirituality and had fewer religious doubts those who viewed is less.

Dr. Perry, studied data from 1,300 people over six years and found those who used porn went to church more often. He said: “Those who used pornography at the highest frequencies seemed to be more religious in terms of prayer frequency and worship attendance than those who used pornography at more moderate levels. Those who viewed pornography weekly or more in 2006 reported praying more often and attending worship services more often by 2012 compared to those who viewed pornography monthly or less earlier on.”

While porn magazines like Playboy, Loaded and Nuts have closed down because of social pressures, porn is still out there especially on the internet and social media sites like Twitter and Snapchat. And in the times that I have been dragged squealing to watch porn by Doc and Mzee, according to society and Perv Cop, it would make us social deviants, pervs, paedophiles dirty old men and hence the reason I would walk with my head downcast and felling all guilty. But nedda, nedda, not anymore!

I know I am not religious enough and I now know the reason. I am just not watching enough porn according to Dr. Perry tells me. If I am going to be a righteous man, I need to up my porn game from watching ‘36DD Sexy Suzie Gets a Lashing in Jamaica’ not just once a month, but like every day, if I am to be able to hold my head up high and walk through town calling myself ‘Saved, God Fearing, Born Again, Mulokole as well as being able to walk into the nearest church full of swag and say ‘praise the lord’ with confidence while swapping my ‘36DD Sexy Suzie Gets a Lashing in Jamaica’ DVD for ‘Booty Call’, which Neighbour assures me is a good watch.

I want to be saved. I don’t want to go to hell - I want to go to heaven and take Doc, Kayos, Paulo, Julio, Mzee and Willo with me. But how will we get there when Perv/Porn Cop is out there with a sh2.6bn machine wanting to shut and trample on our religious aspirations and beliefs?   

Sunday Vision censor board found this too risque to be published in my column last week and especially on a Sunday

Pictures: New Vision, Internet, Playboy