Saturday, October 15, 2016

That Bitchy Sista Stare

When hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, women with conventional names, names like – Flavia, Lillian, Martha, Penlope, Esther, Carol, Vicky, Eva or Lucy are not only a spent force but, yesterday’s woman especially when it comes to unleashing a tirade assurances or giving that evil if eyes could kill look that Michelle Obama (Below) and Rihanna (Bottom) seemingly pull off with relative ease.

Take conventional Martha. One Friday as we clambered the stairs to Wagadougu on Bukoto Street – back in the day when it was really kicking with Peter Otim and Co at the helm - when she got to the landing, Campus Boy did the unthinkable. He didn’t even try to camouflage his move. He went in full commando style and brushed his 1st year groin onto her. Martha wasn’t exactly startled and when she looked back at him expecting an apology, he instead swung her a: “What, you never been brushed before” look. With that, Martha’s evening was so cooked. I dropped her home and didn’t hear from her for close to three weeks.

I was with Carol when Viperoom was still the place to go for Oldies Night with the late DJ Banji at the decks when Dude, felt that the best way of making contact with her, was not to say 'hello' or buy her a drink as I would have done but, to give her butt a slap. Way before the slap sunk and nestled deep into the stretch marks of her butt, Carol had spun around faster than Jackie Chan ever did in the Rush Hour movies and for a while, I thought she was going to unleash a - my eyes can drop you dead stare along with the motha of all assurances. Instead, she burst into tears, ran up the spiral staircase for the nearest special hire and was gone by the time I got to the entrance.

While it’s so not the done thing – groping or belittling women, when the likes of Flavia, Lillian, Martha, Jackie, Penlope, Esther, Carol, Vicky, Eva or Lucy sailed into the world, the sailed in with no bark, venom or bite. If Waiter brought the wrong food order, they wouldn’t make noise but accept. If Salon Man ruined the weave, they would rather a bad weave than throw salon tantrums. If Taxi Conductor didn’t give back their change, they wouldn’t beef in case he ejected them miles from home and if Special Hire Man reneged on the agreed fare, the moment he spits the words “I am taking you to police”, they cry out for daddy.  

In politics, we had Cecilia (Ogwal), Maria (Matembe) (Below), Winnie (Byanyima) who many years ago had the most acidic mouths in the land. Cecilia had a voice that roared angrily like the engine of a Mercedes Benz G-65 AMG. Today, it’s a rather pitiful roar – if indeed it can still be called roar and painful to hear just like it is watching people who drive Toyota hybrid electrical cars. Maria can barely make the hairs on the back of my neck stand, while listening to Winnie, is akin to listening Watoto Children’s Choir singing bedtime hymns for the pope.  

However, today’s woman is different. She has rampaged into the world with venom, audacity, attitude, contempt, beef and period cramps that would so spin the heads of Flavia, Lillian Martha, Jackie, Penlope, Esther, Carol, Vicky, Eva and Lucy and any woman with a bland name. 

And get this, she also has a badd ass motha fucker name like Shaniqua, Monique, Gaynelle, Jendayi, Kasinda, Lakeesha, Laqueta, Michelle, Rihanna, Laquinta, Latanya, Monisha, Nichelle, Takiyah, and Zalika. 

This woman is not to be messed with. She has an ice cold mortuary stare like the one above. She’s the human equivalent of a black widow spider and who describes herself as: a biach with an attitude, a whore with beef or nigga fuck bitch and who uses bitch words like talk to the hand, my bad and whatever

Gaynelle is the type to swing Cop a multitude of tumbavu’s if he dared stop her at Jinja Road traffic lights. Shaniqua and Laqueta are women that Salon Man dreads to see walking into his salon because throughout the two hours of weaving on the weave, he will be on bunkenke and awaiting a hot slap if he dared put a stitch wrong while Special Hire Driver, he won’t even take Jendayi, Monique and Nichelle because they would sneer, mock and assure him all the way to their destination. 

Meanwhile, Lakeesha, and Zalika would in a flash, take delight in telling their WhatsApp chat group how you were no Johnny Bravo in bed but a one-minute man. And Takiyah? She’s the sort to calmly walk into the men’s toilets in Silk Liquid simply because she couldn't be bothered to walk further down to the ladies and then scatter profanity along the lines of: "What you lookin' at nigga, you not seen a pussy in the gents before" if any of the men complained.  

So Flavia, (Below) Penlope, Esther, Carol, Vicky, Eva and Lucy, and any woman with a bland name, please forgive. Campus Boy, Dude, Waiter and all are sorry for pinching your bottoms, trying to fondle you and bringing you the wrong food order for truth be told, you are much easier to deal with than Shaniqua, Monique, Thalia, Gaynelle, Jendayi, Kasinda, Lakeesha, Laqueta, Laquinta, Latanya, Monisha, Nichelle, Takiyah and Zalika.

Photos: Weekly Observer, Internet

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