Monday, July 10, 2017

M7s UPE Has Failed Waitress

Are we a conceited society that is averse to being told what we don’t know? We are. Everybody who has passed through say Gayaza, Budo, Namagunga, Mwiri, right down to one of the many universities or Law Development Centre, figure themselves as people who are scholarly and know it all.

Even those who decided to quit shortly after leaving nursery school and the men who idle while getting their kicks from throwing dice at a game of ludo and moving up the ladder, they think they know it all and will melee if told otherwise.

Back in the day when I started writing, it suddenly dawned on me that there were many words out there that I didn’t know of. Anyone who knows Lilliane Barenzi, who was on top of me while at New Vision – (Lol) not in the actual sense of the statement, but in that she was my immediate boss, will know that she says it as it is. She doesn’t mince her words – nor does Simon Kaheru or Andrew Mwenda.

Caricature of Lilliane Barenzi
One word I had trouble distinguishing was artist. While I knew an artist painted, I didn’t know that people who sing are called artistes. I had heard the word being floated now and again in the features department and thus when I wrote one of my first articles and referred to Bebe Cool as an artist, Barenzi came down hard on me like an army of miniature ninja Barenzi’s who deserved roles in Quentin Tarantino’s movie, Kill Bill Vol. 1.

“What’s with you and referring to singers as artists” she spat. “They are not artists, but artistes!” I ought to have thrown a tantrum and argued with her, because I am educated and thus I know better but I didn’t. She sat me down and explained the differences and I learnt. But that’s me. When I don’t know and get put right, I don’t puff my chest and start scattering my toys about.
Uma Thurman in Kill Bill Vol.1
A few weeks ago, I chanced upon Friend having a drink in a kafunda just shy of the quarry in Muyenga or Bukasa as the residents will say. Waitress was an energetic young lass, but who skipped about like a bewildered hare while looking for cold beers from her neighbours.

But when it came to ‘foxing’, she was spot on. When I placed my order, I didn’t dither with my words. “The beer must be cold. Not room temperature, but cold.” I suspect that way before she left the table to go and bring said beer, she knew she didn’t have any cold ones because like I said earlier, she was skipping from bar to bar looking to exchange her warms ones for cold ones.

No sooner had she placed the bottle on the table, than it had been opened and she had scarpered to take refuge in the dim of the bar because and I guess she had anticipated what was coming to her. I bellowed: “Nyabo!” Waitress had served me microwave temperature beer.

After giving her the usual grilling that I tend to give Askari, Pump Attendant, Traffic Cop, her only line of defence was: “It has only just been delivered” followed by a malevolent smirk.

Cutting through, when it was time to go and the bill presented on a tad of paper torn from what must have been the corner of a dust covered Picfare exercise book, she had written Nile as ‘Naile’, larger as ‘lager’ and Smirnoff as ‘simanolt’. Now it was my turn to sneer.

The Bill That Was Presented
When I told her that each day she sees the spellings of Nile, larger and Smirnoff when she is serving Customer or when Chap from the brewery makes the delivery staring up at her in the face but instead she goes and writes something else, her reaction? Her petite senior 2 looking bosom swelled from a barely 32A to 32B, she cussed and gave me a look of: “Who the f**k do you think you are!?!” 

She felt she knows it all and if only Kaheru, Barenzi and Mwenda were around to rip her to shreds and tell her otherwise!

Picture and Caricature: Internet, Danny Barongo, Timothy Bukumunhe

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