Sunday, August 13, 2017

Questions That I Can't Answer

I find myself perturbed this Sunday. Has the scorching Kampala sun gotten to people’s heads? Am I the only sane person in town? Or am I just being intricate? There are scores of things that I see happen in this dusty city of ours to which I have no response.

LUDO: Back in the day, Idle Man used to play omweso. Omweso, so I am told, involves a great deal of thinking. The brain has to work. But it seems Idle Man found it tasking and flung it out in favour of Ludo if not, Snakes and Ladders - games that don’t require any thought and winning is dependent on the roll of dice. And get this, Boda Man will stop to watch as will Level Headed Looking Man and with mesmerised and wow looks on their faces. Jeez!

UGACHICK: Why does Aga Sekalala call the company Ugachick, yet they don’t sell chicks but fully grown chickens?

THE LIFT BUTTON: Am in Workers House with six other people waiting for the lift when Chap turns up, looks at us like we are morons and proceeds to press the lift call button which I might add, was lit thus meaning it had already been pressed. Twenty seconds later, Chap presses it again – four-to-six times in quick succession. Politely I lean over and whisper that no matter how many times he presses the button, the lift won’t move any faster and it won’t skip floors just because he has hit the button six times. He retorted by swinging me a “who the f**k do you think you are” look.

BY ORDER: Who is this person - By Order? You’ve all seen the notices in supermarkets, restaurants, offices and shops and at the bottom of whatever message is being conveyed, it’s signed off as ‘By Order’.

KCCA POTHOLES:  When KCCA Engineer decides it’s time to patch up a pothole, he sends Repairman and what Repairman, does is to compose the pothole to look neat - as in slicing the edges to make it a square or rectangle. When done, he heaps all the crumbs on the side of the now neat square or rectangular pothole, gives it a good clean sweep and vanishes for the next four weeks until it’s time to repeat the process all over again.

POLICE and TRIBE: Cop loves to know what tribe you are when filling out a statement. A statement without mention of tribe is not a complete statement to him. Does Cop think that when the case gets to court, it all hinges on tribe and without it, Judge will throw it out?

ROADSIDE PREACHER: Roadside Preacher spends the best part of the day idling about Shell Jinja Road making a racket. When he gets home in the evening, does Better Half ask something along these lines?

Better Half: “Honey, how was your day?”

Roadside Preacher: “TB saw me approach his ride to preach for him and he quickly wound down his windows and blared out profanity steeped gangsta rap music.”   

HOOTING TAXI: Has taxi Driver been reading up on Pavlov’s dog theory and that if he doesn’t hoot multiple times, we wouldn’t know that we have to take a taxi and would walk to our destinations?

AM FEELING HEADACHE: “Am feeling headache”, is a favourite of Campus Girl especially, Akamwesi residents. Listen up Campus Girl and for the umpteenth time, it’s not “am feeling headache” but “I have a headache” or “I can feel a headache coming on.”  

SPECIAL HIRE TAXI: Before Uber came along, what were the chances of getting into a special hire taxi and Chap taking you straight to your destination without a detour via the nearest gas station? Virtually zero! 

LEANING WAITRESS: The day I walk into a kafunda and Waitress does not lean on the table when she comes to take my order, I will swing her 20k!

All those questions haunt me that I can’t get a decent night’s sleep and am frightful that I might end up in the loony bin if I don’t get the answers.   

Pictures: Ugachick, Bukedde, The New Vision, Internet


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