"New Years Resolutions Are To Be Broken" - UIA, Minister Tumwesigye

I’ve always been miffed about New Year’s resolutions. Welcoming in the New Year for most people means doing just that - creating a New Year’s resolution. Starting from scratch at the beginning of the year offers a fresh start and a clean slate, and most people take this opportunity to create a resolution. Many seize the chance to set a new goal as an attempt to get rid of a bad habit or begin a healthier lifestyle, such as quitting smoking or losing weight.

January 1st, The Start Of Resolutions That Get Broken After A month Or So

Although the original goal and thought behind setting their resolution is good, typically by mid-January about 50% of all those ‘New Year Resolutioners’ will have already given up. They leave their resolutions to fall to the wayside and out of all the people who had made a resolution, only 8% will actually accomplish them. Below are three are three things so research tells me, to take into consideration when making resolutions. 

1.       Start Small

Make resolutions that you can keep.

2.       Write It Down

Write your resolutions down in a place where you can remind yourself daily of your intentions.

3.       Make It Public

Let your friends and family know about your resolution and goals. It will help keep you accountable and on track. You are less likely to fail if you have a support system around you.

Will A Resolutions List Keep You On The Straight And Narrow For A Year?

In 2004, the peeps at Uganda Investment Authority – then led by Dr Francis Ssebowa, came up with a resolution of their own – to start two car production plants in the country. And in keeping with the above three pronged New Year’s resolution list, they did write it down and they did make it public. However, one thing they didn’t do, was to heed the first point on the list – START SMALL.

Conferring with people in the car industry, a car manufacturing plant can cost ssomewhere on the wrong side of $1 billion. It costs nearly that much just to get a new model into production; and it takes more than just designing and tooling to run a car company. Tesla, an American car company is burning through over $1 million a day just to get the Model 3 production line up to speed. And UIA had grand ideas of having two plants?

Broken UIA Resolution - 300 Cars Never Rolled Off The Production Line Each Month

To their credit, UIA didn’t give themselves one year, but 8-years and the 8-year mandate expired last year by which, they said 300 cars would be rolling off the production line every month. But I guess you need not have gone to Makerere University Business School or work for Spear Motors or Toyota to know that Dr Ssebowa and his UIA were living in fantasyland.

Not to be outdone, enter Elioda Tumwesigye, Minister of Science, Technology and Innovation who in the second week of January this year made a resolution of his own. But Tumwesigye did not follow the three point New Year’s resolution list. Okay, so he wrote it down and made it public but like Dr Ssebowa before him, he neglected the first and most important of the three rules – START SMALL.

In fantasyland resolution talk, Tumwesigye told Daily Monitor that: “There will be a production plant that will start rolling off solar powered buses by the end of the year”. The editors at Daily Monitor have obviously seen so many resolutions broken – especially by politicians, that the story didn’t even warrant making the front pages. Rather, it came as 97-word news brief in the upcountry news section.

We Shall Remind Tumwesigye Come End Of Year

Starting small is key. If Tumwesigye New Year resolution was to build production plants that would roll off say 300 wheelbarrows a month or 1,500 bicycles a bicycles a month, then that would have been a resolution well within his grasp and one which, I would applaud him for come the close of the year when he delivered.

Photos: Daily Monitor, Felix Ainebyoona, Tide.com, Time.com  

What's Your Status - Kayola, VIP or VVIP?

Back in the day, when it came to concerts, we all sat in kayola class. Then, we paid a flat fee and once in the grounds, seating was on a first come, first served basis. Then Concert Organizer had a Eureka (!) moment and figured he could make more money if he had a VIP section. Of course back then, being in VIP was not like it is today. Then, to get into VIP, you most likely had to be some bigwig in government or industry.

Everybody Wants VIP Or VVIP Status

Today it’s different. As long as you have the cash to afford tickets to the VIP section, that’s it. But it caused problems because people who were used to VIP treatment ‘complained’ about sitting next to the ‘rift raff’ and unschooled Kikuubo Class who didn’t go to Budo or Gayaza and who make their money by selling mivumba clothes and importing spare parts from Japan. So Concert Organizer went a step further and introduced a VVIP section.

Let’s pause a tad there. At Sylvia Owori’s first Miss Uganda in 2001, she introduced the concept of corporate tables, and when selling tickets to Road Construction Guru, she told him: “A VIP corporate table, means you sit at the front.” What he didn’t know was that even in the VIP section, some will sit in the front and others at the back.

When he turned up with entourage, they made a beeline for the font and took up the tables that had been reserved for Total and MTN – two of the shows biggest sponsors. When Usher told him that all the front row tables were reserved for sponsors he snapped back – “Sylvia told me that I would sit in the front and now you want me to go to the back?!.” With that, a stern exchange of words ensued that had Owori frantically trying to calm him down and trying to get it through to him that when she said he would be sitting at the front, she didn’t mean on the front tables, but in the front section.

Davido's 30 Billion Concert Banner

Getting back, over the New Year, Davido was in town for what he dubbed ’30 Billion’ concert. The little that I knew about Davido is the one song – Fall - that Nina and Wasswa to play back-to-back for me whenever I go to Kachaps.

Davido In The Video - Fall

Tickets for the show at Perl of Africa Hotel, started at 50k for kayola, - going up to 100k, sh1m, sh3m for VIP and 5m for VVIP. Now one would think that by the time you fork out sh5m for VVIP, they would be sitting right at up front – so close to the stage that they would be able see the sweat trickle down his brow or see the malusu splatter from his mouth as he hit the crescendo of a song.

Instead, it was the other way round. It was 50k kayola peeps who were up font and close to the stage. By the way, the difference between a 50k ticket and a 100k ticket was err….the toilets. Kayola had to make do with mobile toilets that never have tissue while 100k had use of the hotels swimming pool toilets.

From VVIP (In Background) Davido Could Hardly Be Seen

I don’t know what the difference was between sh1m, sh3m and sh5m except, they were at the very back – in the hotel that all they could see of Davido on stage was a mere spec – almost an ant size, so they had to make do with watching him on screens or through binoculars.

So why would any sane person fork out sh5m, to go watch Davido or any other artiste on a giant screen? They might have as well stayed home and watched his previous shows on Youtube. Or was it something to do with having been a VVIP? 

By the way, I was in kayola.

Pictures: Uganda Mirror, Davido, Tejano Explosion.com     

Do They Know Christmas Is Over...?

Neighbour so it seems, does not know that Christmas is over. A good part of me thinks it’s because he was gifted with a surround system as his Christmas present. Since he got the surround, he starts as early as 8:00am in rendering himself a nuisance. His playlist is predictable. He always starts off with a Jimmy Katumba song which, he never plays out to conclusion. Rather, he stops it halfway through and then repeats it. Next up is that dreadful song by Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On. But what I don’t get, is what does the song have to do with Christmas? If memory serves me correct, is it not the ‘death song’ in the movie, Titanic and was played when Jack, (Leonardo DiCaprio) was drowning?  if not, its Do They Know Its Christmas by Band Aid. Anyway, Neighbour made it one of his Christmas carols. After the ‘death song’, he follows up with numerous gospel songs for about an hour before he unleashes some Lingala and I had no idea that you could buy Lingala Christmas carols.

Do They Know It's Christmas By Band Is Not A Christmas Carol As Many Think

With the kalango Neighbour has made for the entire hood in blaring off his surround system, I am sure it won’t have gone unnoticed by Neighbourhood Thief who, is sure to pop round in the dead of the night and duly relieve him of it in the next couple of nights. Neighbour though, is not the only person making a nuisance of himself post-Christmas. Since the start of the year, it has been hard to concentrate – not just at work, but out shopping and especially while having a drink in a kafunda. 

You see, every ten-to-fifteen minutes, a truck will pass by and on the back of each truck are huge speakers blaring out distorted music. Along with the loud and distorted carols, there is a nigga (as they like to call themselves) on each truck doing a sales pitch – screaming into the microphone while, an army of foot soldiers run amok, swarming the kafunda’s and trying to shove Jim Reeves CDs down our throats.

The carols were so loud that Waitress could not hear what Customer was asking for that she kept getting the orders wrong. But wait up, that is nothing unusual because even if it had been as quiet as a hospital operating theatre and she had clearly heard every word Customer said, she would still have gotten the orders wrong because that is what Waitress is supposed to do – to bring you the wrong order.

Foot Soldier wanted me to buy Do They Know Its Christmas by Band Aid. In my worst Luganda and Foot Soldier, in his worst English, the conversation went along these bumbling staggered lines.

Foot Soldier: “Boss, this one is nice.”

TB: “No, it’s for the bafu (dead) who died in the Ethiopian famine of 1984.”

Foot Soldier: “Boss, eno nnyimba ya Ssekukulu.”

TB: “Yeah, nnyimba about the bafu in Ethiopia!”

As he walked off and above what I am so sure was so not a Christmas carol, I heard Foot Soldier mutter to his colleague that: “Oyo, mukadde, tamanyi nnyimba za Ssekukulu (he is old, he has no idea about Christmas carols).

As January takes root, when will they stop playing Christmas carols? Will Neighbour’s surround system survive Neighborhood Thief and last into Easter? Will Foot Soldier eventually figure it out that, Do They know Its Christmas, has never been a Christmas carol but just a famine fundraising song?

By the way, as Foot Soldier scurried off in search of a willing customer, I was so not amused by his comments so I slithered “tumbavu” out at him, but he didn’t hear me for Silent Night was now playing at fever pitch and Waitress didn’t hear what I ordered and had yet again presented me with the wrong order. 

Pictures: Balaam Marketing And Promotions Agency, Band Aid, Time Magazine

 

Are 14 Public Holidays Enough For The Year?

This is my first Sunday ramble of the year. Before I run out of column space and while I don’t like conveying greetings or shout outs, let me wish you all a great and prosperous 2019. With the start of 2019 – the day after tomorrow to be detailed, the two things that will concern us most, are getting through ‘Financial Drought January’ and, wanting to know when the first public holiday will be.

Do We Deserve More Public Holidays?

Let’s start off with the latter. Of all countries on the globe, Cambodia tops the list for the most public holidays with 28 observed annually. Sri Lanka follows with 25, India and Kazakhstan with 21, Colombia, The Philippines and Trinidad and Tobago with 18, China and Hong Kong with 17, and Thailand, Turkey, and Pakistan with 16.

Here in Uganda, we have a partly 14 and of those 14 holidays, 4 of them will be ‘fruitless’ as in, they fall on a Saturday or Sunday.

When it comes to long weekends, we have five - International Women’s Day (8^th March) falls on a Friday, Good Friday (19^th April) obviously falls on a Friday and Easter Monday (22^nd April) on a Monday – understandably.

Thankfully It Falls On A Friday

Martyrs Day is on Monday 3^rd June and most likely, Eid al-Fitr will fall the following day on Tuesday 4^th June. If the Imam at Old Kampala Mosque doesn’t start dithering, keeps to his word and doesn’t go altering dates, then that will certainly be the longest weekend we will have save for the Easter weekend. The significant thing about the Martyrs Day/Eid al-Fitr long weekend holiday, is that it falls four days into the new month and the ATM will still be abundant with salary to have a blast of a weekend – unless of course, you are Civil Servant who won’t be expecting to get salary for months to come.

The Martyrs Did Not Burn In Vain. They Gave Us A Holiday

Apart from the religious holidays, the rest of them have little, if not, no meaning to the bulk of the population save for those who work in the civil service. Unlike in the private sector, Civil Servant is expected to show up at Kololo airstrip and take part in marching sessions in full view of UBCs television cameras. They are also expected to sit or stand in the blazing sunshine for hours on end while listening to lengthy speeches that won’t have any impact on them. At the end of the day, all they get out of attending the celebrations is a new t-shirt and a soda. Assuming the celebrations were held in some far flung place like Kaabong or Oyam, all they get is a bottle of mineral water and bogoya.

Moving on, when it comes to sales, we have kind of gotten used to Black Friday and the Christmas sales. But those are not sales. The real sales happen in January because, it’s Financial Drought January. By the time December is nigh, many would have realized that they overspent during the Christmas season that there is need to worry about how to get through January.

January Is Sale Month

With everybody looking for money, everything is up for sale. For Money Lender, January is killing season. They accept anything these days – car log books, laptops, plasma screens, land titles and even your ATM card as collateral.

Financial Drought January, is also the period assuming the banks have not already thought of it, the month they should use to service or carry out major repairs on the ATM for there is next to zero traffic. In fact, some ATM cards will not even get used.

Many ATM Cards Never Get Used In January

And for those who get freebie office lunch, just watch their eating habits during January. On Monday and Friday they will heap their plates because with no money for food at home, they won’t have eaten over the weekend. That’s how tight Financial Drought January can get.