Do You Have Plan A, B, C, or D That Works?

Do you have a Plan A, B, C or D that works? There was an epoch when many presumed that a stint in the local police station is a preserve for Local Goon, Hooker and Petty Thief. That, was until they, – the police that is, started throwing White Collar type into cells when caught driving under the influence of alcohol.

Do You Have A Plan A, B, C and D?

In a bid to escape a weekend sojourn in the coolers, some decided to stay in the bar drinking until the following morning. Others, drank just round the corner from their homes. A few made sure they had bribe money at hand, while those who thought themselves as being brave enough to run the gauntlet did so. Let’s concentrate ourselves on Timothy (surname withheld), who ran the gauntlet because thought he had a Plan A, B, C and D.

Tim was in the know that a breathalyzer unit had deployed just outside Kabalagala police station. Seeing he was in Gaba and that he was heading back home to Ntinda, he sought to use the Kitalanga road – you know the winding backroad that takes you past Godfrey Kirumira’s cirb, Heritage International School and right up to the quarry in Muyenga? Except, that he was blazed and missed the turning.

But blazed drivers always have a Plan B and Timothy had one too. He would turn off at the next turning – Kiwafu Road which, would take him past Peter Kagwa’s Events Warehouse and eventually on to the quarry. Except, that he was blazed and missed that turning too.

Kiwafu Road Snakes Past Peter Kagwa's Events Warehouse

But blazed drivers always have a Plan C and Timothy had one too. He would turn off at the next turning – you know the murram road just before Kabalagala police station that takes you up the hill and connects you with the road that goes to Hotel Diplomate? Except, he was blazed and also missed that turning.

The Emergency Road - Diplomate Road, Links Muyenga To Gaggba Road

But blazed drivers always have a Plan D. He would turn off at the next turning – you know the one that leads you straight into the parking yard of Kabalagala Police Station, comfortably park his ride, walk into the station and ask to see OC. Except, that he was blazed but wait for it, wait for it - this time the Plan worked! 

So into the station he took his blazed self and demanded to see OC. When OC presented himself, Timothy duly asked him if his friend – let’s call him Julio for the sake of it, had been arrested and was being detained. Of course Julio hadn’t been arrested, but it was part of Plan D. After OC checking though the arrest book and seeing no Julio, Timothy duly informed OC that he (Timothy) would go and check at Katwe Police Station.

Kabalagala Police Station

Except, and unknown to Timothy, Plan D had already started to unravel. Taking his staggering and very blazed self back to his car, he tried to drive out - and here creeps in that word again – ‘except’, that strewn across the entrance at the Quarter Guard were spikes. Those who have driven into a police station carpark, will know that driving in is far easier than driving out.

As he tried to explain to Quarter Guard that he had been meeting with OC, Quarter Guard simply ignored him and shouted out to Affande who, was in charge of the breathalyzer road block just down the road: “Affande, affande, this one has made your job easy – he has brought himself to be arrested.”

With that, Quarter Guard had the car taken back and parked properly with Timothy being presented to OC and his name duly entered into the arrest log.

This time there was no Plan E – except, ruminate on how long a night its going be stuck in a cramped cell with Mitayimbwa Goon, Goat Rapist and Child Molester. 

Pictures: youngachievers.ug, booking.com, foursquares.com, canstockphoto.com

            

Man Eating Where He Worketh!

In today’s Uganda, it’s not just about the monthly salary. You simply have to ‘eat where you worketh’. Fringe benefits or perks of the job, actually mean something along the lines of company car, house, bonuses and free education for the children which, a company bestows on some of its top executives – well at least that is what we think.

In reality, it does not work that way. Executive has forgone waiting for the end of the financial year to get his bonus, and as a result has resorted to kick-backs, side deals, back handers and generally siphoning off money from the accounts they control for their private use.

Back in the day, for Graduate, the dream job was to land a job with Uganda Revenue Authority and preferably get posted to one of the border crossings or Entebbe Airport. There, the fringe benefits come in almost on a daily by making his cut off every container that crossed into Uganda. Some of them made huge sums of money that they actually forgot about end-of-month payday.

 

URA Was The Place To Work To Get Rich Fast

The tale is told of Official who used to work in the office of the Prime Minister on some projects upcountry. It is said that when Ministry of Finance released the money for the said projects, it was supposed to be paid in the project account. Instead, it was paid into Official’s personal account from which, he would dole out the money. Apart from distributing some money to the bona fide projects, a large chunk of it would also be dispersed to his personal projects like the block of flats he built on Entebbe road, a couple of houses in Ntinda and a student’s hostel. Incredibly enough, nobody saw this as being odd – money being paid into a personal account rather than that of the said project.

 

Damien Akankwasa Was Into Home Banking

Remember how former National Forestry Authority executive director Damien Akankwasa shot to fame in 2009? It’s not because he planted eucalyptus trees all over the county, but because of his wife -Juliet Katusiime. Well Julie, decided to steal hubby’s dime – not dime that was in the bank, but dime that was hidden somewhere under the bed in their matrimonial bedroom. And wait for it, wait for – it wasn’t just a ka-40k or a ka-250k but, a staggering Sh900 million!

 

Did Julie Akankwasa Steal Or Merely help Herself To Her Share Of The Loot

To the best of my knowledge, the job description of the Principal Accountant in the Office of the Prime Minister in part reads as follows: ‘To be responsible for providing guidance and technical support to OPM on proper management and accountability for the financial resources of the OPM in accordance with the established financial laws.’

Except that when Geoffrey Kazinda was principal accountant at OPM, he added his own brief to the job description - that of man eating where he worketh. Come 2017, the IGG accused him of amassing wealth estimated at sh4.6bn and living a luxury lifestyle which was not commensurate with his income as a civil servant and off to Luzira he went.

 

Geoffrey Luzinda

Enter Private Bright Turyatunga of the Special Forces Command.  A couple of weeks ago, Bright in his wisdom as an operative of SFC and an ISO informant, also sought to eat where he worketh. With insider information, he and his buddies trailed a GS4 bullion van carrying some sh2.4bn from Mukono to Kampala and somewhere in Kyambogo, they ambushed it. Except, that like Official in the office of The Prime Minister, Kazinda and Akankwasa, he got caught. Well tell a lie, in an ensuing shootout, he was shot dead.    

 

Bright Turyatunga Put His Special Forces Skills To Good Use 

One thing that Official, Akankwasa, Kazinda and Turyatunga all had in common apart from pilfering, was that they didn’t just take a slice. They took more than that – enough to make it worth their while doing a stint in Luzira or ending up in a coffin if they got caught. 

Photos: Uganda Revenue Authority, Weekly Observer, Eagle.co.ug, Daily Monitor.

Has Matayo Kyaligonza Finally Earned Bad Boy Bragging Rights?

We all want the accolades of have bragging rights – be it in music, industry, politics and the army. But is it time the authorities culled those rights especially from the army and give them a long overdue spanking?

When Kyadondo East MP, Robert Kyagulanyi was still Bobi Wine, he earned his bragging rights after a number of feuds and brawls with Bebe Cool and Jose Chameleon. Graduating to politics, it was thought that a seat in that ‘honourable house’ on Parliament Avenue would sedate him. It didn’t. No sooner had the swearing-in Bible been put away, than he stood on the dispatch table and traded blows with members of the opposition. But, Kyagulanyi’s bragging rights pale into insignificance when it comes to those who have a military background.

Kyadondo East MP, Robert Kyagulani

Take Presidential Advisor Kakooza Mutale who from as early as 2003 through to 2017 had exclusive bad boy bragging rights. On a daily, there were stories of communities being roughed up by him and his men. And one journalist friend who had the misfortune to interview him in his Bombo Road office, gave this narration of Kakooza at his best.

“I poised a question, he answered it with a very affirmative – "no it can’t happen’”. So Journalist Friend leaned forward probing and seeking to know why it can’t happen. Once again, Kakooza was to the point with his answer – “because of him in the corner”. When Journalist Friend looked towards the corner Mutale was aiming at, there was an AK-47 propped up against the wall. He got the message and swiftly fled his office.      

Kakooza Mutale

Ivan Oduka, in a 2012 article on Kasirye Gwanga talks about being on a boda on his way to interview him (Gwanga) with Boda Rider wondering: “Naye gwe eyo empologoma mwogela ki naye (what do you talk about with that lion?). I wonder why people suffer with suicide; just go to his farm and before you know, he has shot you.”

Gwanga’s has carefully nurtured his bragging rights. He stormed a church near his home in Makyinde and let off a couple of rounds because the singing disturbed his sleep. In August 2017, over a land dispute, he again fired off a few rounds, then set fire to a grader/earthmover worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

And just last month, out came his pistol once again when he shot out the wheels on Catharine Kusasira’s – a local artiste’s car. Said Gwanga: “The singer’s husband had insulted my son while the singer insulted and undermined me.” A justifiable reason to start shooting?    

Kasirye Gwanga - His AK47 Always Has The Answer

Of course, this Sunday ramble would not be complete a mention of Kahinda Otafiire who, once roughed up a photo-journalist who had taken a picture of him after his car ran into a trench. But that stunt is not what secured his bad boy bragging rights. Rather, he got the gold medal in 1989, when pulled out his pistol on the late Jennifer Kutesa after a public spat at Fairway Hotel.

Kahinda Otafiire - Pulled A Pistol On The Jennifer Kutesa 

Enter Maj. Gen. Matayo Kyaligonza, our ambassador to Burundi. Some days ago, his Military Police Unit bodyguards were arrested for assaulting a traffic officer - Sergeant Esther Namaganda who, had stopped them from making a U-turn in the middle of the road. When she did, two military police officers and Kyaligonza pounced on her, grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and assaulted her. While, Kyaligonza did not appear to take part in the assault, he did nothing to stop his dogs from assaulting Namaganda.

Matayo Kyaligonza Looks On As the Scuffle Ensues 

As we draw the ramble to a close, some people are remorseful about having earned bragging rights like Otafiire who with much surprise, resigned his Internal Affairs ministry post after the Kutesa incident. But of course, we don’t expect Kyaligonza to man-up, accept responsibility, show some repentance and resign his ambassadorial post - do we? 

Kyaligonza - A Real Bad Boy?

Pictures: The Observer, Galaxy FM, Eagle. co. ug

Uganda's Women's Day Theme - "Let's Get Tourists To Kussamala At Our Naturally Endowed Women!"

This Friday March 8^th, the world will be in unison over International Women’s Day (IWD) which, is all about celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity.

2019 Theme: #BalanceforBetter

Many organizations declare an annual IWD theme that supports their specific agenda or cause, and some of these are adopted more widely with relevance than others. International Women's Day is a collective day of global celebration and a call for gender parity.

It’s also about unity, reflection, advocacy and action - whatever that looks like globally and at a local level. But one thing is for sure, International Women's Day has been occurring for well over a century - and continues to grow from strength to strength.

Now let’s dispense with the well-known women who always get featured as the top women achievers in the newspaper pull outs and deliberate for a while on Carol Natkunda and a never heard of - Joy Lydia, whose works often goes unnoticed but yet, has a positive impression on society. When Carol joined Vision Group for a while, she didn’t really make an impact. Then she found her footing, bloomed and if I recall, she constantly beat her story count and has been commended on numerous occasions as receiving a number of awards for the stories that she’s written.

Carol Natkunda - A woman Full Of Talent

Joy on the other hand, is in her 20s and this, I found out by accident. Every Sunday morning, she hauls herself out of bed and does some volunteering work at her local church in helping out with the neighbourhood children – playing and reading to them when most are still in bed sleeping off the excesses of the previous night out on the town.

Joy Lydia - Into Charity Work At Her Local Church

That said, there is one man in Uganda who a couple of weeks ago, sought to undermine and tarnish the positive impact that Carol, Joy and other women have had on society. That man, is Godfrey Kiwanda who happens to be the state minister for tourism.

As tourism minister, part of his job brief at the ministry is to “develop and promote the tourism, wildlife and heritage resources for enhancement of Uganda as a competitive and preferred tourist destination, with accelerated sector contribution to the national economy.”

That, in layman’s talk is getting tourist into the country to marvel at our natural resources and by natural resources, we all know what the means. Our national parks and cultural heritage center. Except, Kiwanda didn’t read his job description properly.

Minister Kiwanda - Uganda's Curvey Women Are A Tourist Attraction

According to him, our natural resources are women whom he described at a press conference as: “…naturally endowed nice looking women that are amazing to look at. Why don’t we use these people as a strategy to promote our tourism industry?” He even had the audacity to bring a sample of the natural resources to press conference. Had he been in Europe, that comment would had seen him resign, ended his political career and the feminists dicing him up with panga’s.

Women have no words for Kiwanda. Tell a lie, they think he is nothing but a perv - “a person whose sexual practices or interests are considered abnormal or deviant.” So rather than focus on doing government work, he spends his time gawping at booty and wants tourists to come and join him. By the way Kiwanda, European tourists don’t go in for endowed women but, the skinny types – just ask Bad Black.

But what disappointed most was the reaction from State House and M7. In the news clip that I saw, M7 found the whole saga rather funny. Never did he use the two words that would have pacified women – ‘totally unacceptable’.

If anything, women should unite, rise up and bar Kiwanda from attending any Women’s Day function this Friday. What say you women..? 

PHOTO CREDITS: awarenessdays.com, New Vision, Joy Lydia, Galaxy FM, Daily Monitor