There is,
something embracing about kafunda culture. The conversations amongst its
patrons are genuine and unadulterated. Customers who comprehend kafunda culture
have nothing to show off. If they have, they have. If they don’t, they don’t.
They are of course, very different from patrons who retreat to Serena, Sheraton
and say Skyz Hotel after work and who, are the hollowest group of people one
can come across. For them, it’s all about being seen and more importantly, being
seen ‘to have’ yet, they don’t have. This group, when it’s time to get a
haircut, they opt for some fancy salon where a cut costs 25k plus.
 |
| Is 25k Plus For A Haircut Not Sheer Madness? |
Naturally and as
you may have guessed, I don’t have time for a 25k plus haircut in some fancy
salon because I don’t have. I make do with a salon behind the downtrodden
kafunda that I frequent and where, Eddie charges me 5k and for that 5k, there
is no difference between my cut and the 25k cut. Furthermore, Eddie’s salon relishes
in kafunda culture because there’s always somebody walking in with the most
witty and humorous accounts about their exploits.
 |
| Eddie Charges a Mere 5k For A Cut And Shave |
On my last
visit, Ssalongo walked in. I don’t know whether he is a real Ssalongo or it’s a
nickname, but he exuded presence. His gruff voice reverberated round the salon
and more importantly, he commanded presence – in that everybody in the salon hung
on to every word he spewed out.
His first tale
kicked off on a risqué note. It so happens he took Suitor to some discreet guest
lodge in Bunga. After doing what he had to do and it was time to leave, Gateman
declined to let them exit the carpark as he was acting on instructions from
reception. By now, Ssalongo was a little miffed because he had paid for the
room on arrival and they had not consumed any drinks or meals. So what could
the problem be?
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| A Guest House |
At reception, he’s
duly informed he can’t leave until he’s paid a surcharge of 50k. “A surcharge
of 50k” he obviously bellowed out, “for what?!?” Somber and trying to hide her
embarrassment, Receptionist tells him it’s all to do with the mattress and it
being ‘soaking wet’. Obviously, there is no need for me to explain further what
Receptionist was getting at when she said ‘the mattress was soaking wet’ – or
is there? Pausing for effect from the patrons including Eddie who had long
stopped cutting my hair, he went on about how he didn’t have the 50k and had to
make humiliating calls to friends to bail him out.
The next tale he
gave was funny. He was dying for a pee, so he drove to Oryx gas station in
Bunga only to find the toilets locked. Leaving Date in the ride, he darts
across the road, finds some shrubbery and relieves himself. As he does, a KCCA
rubbish collection officer on a stakeout to find who dumps rubbish in the
middle of the night, springs out of nowhere and arrests him.
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| Oryx Petrol Station |
Meanwhile, the
rest of KCCA’s colleagues including a police officer are parked in a pickup at
the same petrol station where Ssalongo’s car is. Being arrested for peeing by
the roadside is embarrassing, but rather than being arrested, he proffered a
30k ‘gratuity’ which, KCCA Officer accepted. However, knowing his colleagues
might be watching, KCCA Officer tells Ssalongo to shove him violently to the
ground and make a run for it. That way, when his colleagues come to his aid, he
would say: “I tried to arrest him but he pushed me and escaped.” However, it
turns out that the real reason KCCA Officer imparted this shoving course of
action, is not because his colleagues might turn him in for accepting a bribe,
but rather, to avoid having to share it with them.
Pictures: intracoafrica.com, oryxenergies.com, independent.co.ug, booking.com
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