Do You Know How To Beat Your Wife?

Usually when you walk into an LG store to buy say a flat screen television, fridge, kettle, toaster and so on, it comes with an instruction manual. That manual serves a purpose and that purpose is to guide you on how the gadget should be set up, its functionalities, how it’s operated, how it should be stored and so forth.

Now enter Al-Aziz Al-Khazraj, who is a notable sociologist in Qatar and I guess, has a thing or two about manuals. Not that he collects them or anything like that. Rather, he has written one and to be honest, his manual is most disconcerting, rude, abusive, vile and belittling to women.

For all his education, Al-Khazra has filmed a ‘tutorial manual’ which he posted to YouTube and wait for it, wait, for it, wait for it – the aim of the manual is to guide Muslim men on how they should beat, goof and batter their wives. If that has not already riled the feminists and the ladies at FIDA, then by the time they are done reading this column, they will be baying for his blood.      

In the tutorial, Al-Khazra tells Muslim men: “Dear viewers, many people – especially people who are married – would like to know how to beat one’s wife?”

With that, he starts his sickening rant: “She needs to feel that you are a real man. First, we must understand that the man is the leader of the house. A leader has authorities, just like a company manager.  The leader of the house may decide to discipline the wife so life can move on. How does a husband beat his wife? He gives her a disciplinary beating out of love. He loves her. Now, let's see how Islam teaches how to beat your wife. Let’s imagine that this young boy is the wife. How should a husband beat his wife?”

“First, he must admonish her – in other words, he should advise her. Then, he should refrain from sharing a bed with her. If all of this doesn't help, we resort to beating as a last resort.”

Using a young boy as a prop, Al-Khazra demonstrates by slapping him on the shoulders, grabbing him and shaking him, and saying loudly: “I told you not to leave the house! How many times do I have to tell you?”

Then in an utterly perverted and most twisted move while still validating beating techniques on the young boy, he looks into the camera and without any shame or sense of guilt says: “Some people punch her or slap her on the face… That's not allowed. The Prophet forbade striking the face, slapping the face, hitting the head, punching the nose – all of this is prohibited.”

“The beating is for discipline. The beatings should never injure women and hitting in the face is against Islamic law. This is a painless beating that does not leave bruises or cause bleeding. The beating I just gave the young boy is the true gentle beating in Islam.” So the trick here, is not to leave any bruising. But as the sadist that Al-Khazra is, I am sure he knows that it’s possible to beat with bars of soap and not leave bruises but inflicts agony on the person.

Out of all this ‘How To Beat A Wife’ babble, the one person I feel truly sorry for is that innocent young boy used as a prop in the demonstration – Nayef, who at most is 12-years-old. Suffice to say, that by the time he gets married, he will have been so indoctrinated into the woman beating culture that he will see it as something normal – almost like having a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast.

Pictures: Memri TV

Is Having Full African Lips The In 'White' Thing?

One of the most sought after comics to read when I was growing up was, Albert Uderzo and René Goscinny’s Asterix and Obelix. The series follows the adventures of a village of Gauls as they resist Roman occupation in 50 BC. The protagonists, the title character Asterix and his friend Obelix, have various adventures and in many of the stories, they travel to foreign countries.

When it came to the illustrations, Uderzo was good at his craft and certainly knew what the game was about – especially when it came to depicting Africans. He always drew African’s with huge pink or red lips and large ears.

How Black Lips Are Drawn In The Comic Book Asterix and Obelix

Meanwhile at school, I was always asked: “Jeez TB, why do you Africans have huge lips?” And I might add that most of the questions I got asked did not have any racial undertones. It was just that they had no clue about Africa.  Others, asked why African women always have ‘enormous bottoms’. Basically in that era, white England - well at least the ones I was involved with, didn’t embrace African culture.

Is This How African Lips Really Look

In the 90s, they found it hip to be associated with an African cause – ‘Free Nelson Mandela’, ‘End Apartheid’, ‘Live Aid’ and ‘Ending Famine in Africa.’ And of course world music was also breaking – Hugh Masekela, Mory Kante, Youssuf Ndour were all climbing up the charts while, having an African friend – not a West Indian, but a real African friend was en-vogue.

White Man took it a step further by growing dreadlocks and wearing the rastacap or tam and trying to speak in a West Indian accent while, White Girl was seemingly simmering and waiting for her turn to shine, waiting for that one African association that would put her on the map.

And then she found it in the form of having big African lips and a large booty to go with it. So she started Botox and lip implants - something that the British government is launching a campaign to crack down on with women describing being left looking ‘like the Elephant Man’ after lip filler procedures went wrong, describing ‘stinging’ pain and feeling like their lips would split.

Rachael Knappier almost lost Her Top Lip

Rachael Knappier, a 23-year-old nurse from Greater Manchester, was left with hugely swollen lips after her £120 treatment ended in disaster. She said: “My lips swelled that big within half an hour of the beautician leaving, they looked like they were going to pop. My top lip was a lot bigger while my bottom lip was touching my chin. My lips felt really sore from the stretching, I felt like crying as my neck, jaw and throat were hurting too.”

Another woman who had the same procedure, 32-year-old Lora Evans from Swansea, was horrified by what happened to her: “My lips were just increasing in size hour-by-hour and were literally starting to split. I was more worried about the long-term effects of it, thinking, have I completely destroyed my lips out of vanity?”

Ok, so some African women bleach themselves in a bid to look lighter, but White Woman should take heart. God obviously dealt them a wrong hand and didn’t give their booty anything to cheer or crack open a bottle of champagne about – and a booty as flat as golfs 18^th green, is certainly nothing to cheer about.

Life is not fair but, it’s time White Woman accepted that booty will always be an African thing and without big African succulent lips, she will also never be able to delight in sucking out the bone marrow at a Wandegeya kigere joint nor, will she fully be able to comprehend what Col. Sanders is all about with his KFC slogan – it’s finger licking good!

Are We Being Too Politically Correct?

English, is usually uncomplicated and straightforward – except of course, when it comes to literature and having to read William Shakespeare’s Macbeth. At school, the only person I recall who understood what Macbeth was all about, was Kalundi Robert Serumaga. Of course, Kalundi would connect with Macbeth, after all, his father – Robert Serumaga – was an acclaimed playwright who is famed for accomplished masterpieces as, A Play, The Elephants and especially Majangwa, which is a classic.

Getting back, in today’s world, you have to be careful how you use your English. When I was growing up, the world had no issues with referring to somebody as being ‘fat, lame’, ‘blind’, or calling a young cat, ‘pussy’. Today, we can’t say those words. Fat people are ‘overweight’. Lame people are ‘physically challenged’. Blind people are ‘physically impaired’, while young cats are ‘kittens’.

When somebody says ‘family’, it’s pretty much straightforward - mother, father, and siblings, or extended family. There is no offence in the word ‘family’ – except at Google headquarters who, were forced to backtrack on its use of the word after staff raged.

After a presentation about a product aimed at young people seemed to replace the term with the word ‘family’ and leaving out various groups, one employee stormed out of a meeting and called the company’s poor choice of wording 'offensive, inappropriate, homophobic, and wrong’.

In a long incoherent rant, the person contended that: “This is a diminishing and disrespectful way to speak. If you mean ‘children’, say ‘children’. ‘Family friendly’ used as a synonym for ‘kid friendly’ means, to me, ‘you and yours don’t count as a family unless you have children’ the employee wrote. “And while kids may be less aware of it, there are kids without families too, you know”.

The rant continued: “The use of ‘family’ as a synonym for ‘with children’ has a long-standing association with deeply homophobic organizations and this does not mean we should not use the word ‘family’ to refer to families, but it mean we must doggedly insist that family does not imply children.”

“Even the wording, ‘suitable for the whole family’, which you might think is unobjectionable, is totally wrong too. It only works if we have advance shared conception of what 'the whole family’ is, and that is almost always used to mean a household with two adults, of opposite sex, in a romantic/sexual relationship, with two or more of their own children.”  Eh, did that rant make sense to any of you? I certainly didn’t get the gist of it.

Other Things We Can’t Say

“HOW DID YOU END UP IN THIS FIELD?" Asking a woman how she ended up in a field comes off like you’ve made the assumption she doesn’t belong there.

WHAT TO SAY: Ask them about their experiences that lead them there and congratulate them for their hard work.

“YOU’RE A SUPERHERO!” When you say it to a working mother who is expected to be a superhero to make ends meet, it’s short-sighted. They wouldn’t have to be like superheroes if society started accepting an equal division of household labour and paid women fairly for equal work.

WHAT TO SAY: Don’t say anything. Lend a helping hand and, if you’re in a position to do so, give the woman equal pay.

“You’re Being Oversensitive.” Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel, and some of us are just more sensitive than others. That’s not a weakness; in fact, it’s a strength.

What to Say: “I understand you’re overwhelmed by this situation. What can I do to help?”

“That's Crazy Talk!” We’ve all called someone crazy, especially for talking about a situation in a certain way. But referring to co-workers as “crazy” is a dig at those who languish in Butabika.

What to Say: “Why don't you look at this way instead?”


Pictures: Robert Serumaga, Google

Is Easter A Fable From Deep Down Cuckoo Land?

Let’s delve into today’s ramble with a fable that’s from deep inside cuckoo land. “Many years ago one early Sunday morning and after Jesus’ Good Friday crucifixion, several of his women followers went to his tomb only to find the heavy stone blocking the entrance had been removed, the tomb empty with the grave clothes left behind. They were told by two dazzling angels (by the way, no one knows how they got there): “He is not here, he has risen, come see the place where he lay.” Later that day, Jesus appeared (out of the blue I might add) to the apostles and allowed them to examine his body with its wounds, assuring them it was him, and that he had been raised from the dead.”

 

He 'Rose' And Left Behind His Burial Robes

Hmm, you see what I mean when I say a story from deep cuckoo land?

It’s Easter Sunday today and Christian is aggravated. At just about every street corner, he’s there doing some vexed street preaching. He stands for hours-on-end in the scorching sun, inhaling the dust off Kampala’s streets - a tattered bible in one hand, while belting out words that don’t make sense at all to those who fleet pass him – and I suspect even to himself. I don’t know why his preaching always comes across as being aggravated – perhaps he didn’t get ‘some’ the previous night, or his kid was caught stealing and has been locked up – or perhaps, Landlord is giving him sleepless nights over unpaid rent. But whatever the case may be, he is just never happy. He doesn’t preach in a soft voice akin to that of Joyce Meyer or perhaps that of Jesus before he (Jesus), got lynched.    

 

The Street Preacher: Always Vexed and Angry

There are a number of things that I don’t click about Christian for he has become fairly good at focusing on the moral failings of others while ignoring his own. They pretend that the worst sin you can commit is sexual but, so does gossip, divisiveness and quarreling—sins that Christian routinely flouts - because he commits them and also steals – even whilst in church, then walks out half-an-hour later flossing about his religious values yet, he’s walked off with a phone that does not belong to him.

  

In Church, Look Out For The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing Pretending To Be Holier Than Thou As He Steals Your Phone While You Pray 

He also ignores Paul’s injunction to stop judging non-Christians and like Jesus is supposed to have said, “I didn’t come into the world to judge it, but to save it.” Like today for example, all those wearing their Sunday best will look down on the rest of us in our tattered old T-shirts and torn jeans because it will be clearly obvious that we didn’t go to church – and they did. And so what?!

They gossip, they talk about other people rather than to people. They avoid conflict or they run into it like a bulldozer claiming they are all about truth. They want to appear that they are in the know and that they have first-hand information yet, they know nothing - they weren’t even there.

 

Christians Love Gossip

I think a general rule that Christian forgets, is if they can’t imagine saying it in real life to a person, then they shouldn’t be saying it all. And the same applies to those who are always angry or cynical that all they do is to whine to whoever listens that you think: “I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that in real life.”

Another thing about Christian, is that they are toxic, cynical and don’t live in the real world. Given the chance, Christian will jump on any platform they are given – including social media, or standing at the street junction to show the world their weirdness that I just see them as being out-of-touch and fraudsters.

But don’t get irate and come looking to shoot me – I’m just saying it as it is. 

Photo Credit: standstrongministries.org; kfm.co.ug; catholicsandcultures.org; yellowpages.uganda.com

Does Your Wedding Budget Also Include The Brides Knickers?

Once a year, The Man With The Briefcase - Matia Kasaija that is, who am told is our minister of finance, takes center stage. Like a strutting male peacock at Uganda Wildlife Educational Centre in Entebbe fanning out its feather when it sees a suitable mate, Kasaija holds out a briefcase – usually on the steps of parliament for all to see. Of course, there is a media frenzy as pictures are taken for the front pages of the newspapers for in that briefcase, there is something called The National Budget.

And for the next couple of hours at the podium, in a monotone voice, Kasaija will tell us his reasons for increasing taxes on say sugar, fuel and airtime. But budget reading is not for the sole preserve of Kasaija. At kwanjula’s and wedding meetings, all those who attend, listen keenly as Chairman reads out the budget. By the way, can I transgress a tad? There are now fundraising meetings for The Kid passing his or hers S4 and S6 exams, graduating from campus and soon we will having them for when The Kid graduates from nursery school into P1! 

Matia Kasaija - The Man With The National Budget

Getting back, the last wedding meeting I attended was a couple of years ago. Let’s call him Daniel Musoke for sake of it. Daniel was intent on marrying Susan – especially since they had been living together for a number of years and have two children between them.

When Chairman presented the budget at the first wedding meeting, it was a rather lengthy one that traversed the best part of four pages. Quickly scrawling through it, there were the usual wedding requirements – cars, reception food and drink, photography and so on. But sitting back and analyzing it with more scrutiny, there was something amiss.

The first two sections of the budget were dedicated to the needs of Bride and Groom that, included everything from suits, haircuts, wedding dress for Bride and whatever else that was required to make her oomph on the day.

Should we Be Paying for The Brides Lingerie? 

But it was item number 6 that really perturbed. It was listed as, and wait for it, wait for it: “knickers and bra for Bride” – along with an estimated cost of sh130k or so if I can properly recall. It bothered because knickers and bra for Bride are something private and should not have been listed on the budget at all. I mean, why would Daniel want everybody to know that Bride will be wearing underwear of 130k on the day of the wedding?

Another thing that disturbed, if Daniel couldn’t afford to buy Susan knickers and bras, and instead resorted begging at a wedding meeting for his friends to bail him out, what does that say about him? But worse, as Chairman read out the budget, and it came to that item, I glanced up at Susan and she didn’t seem to be bothered at all – almost like it was normal.

Surely The Bride Should Buy Her Own Shoes, Gomesi & Changing Dress

As the meeting wore on, Chairman invited us to contribute and pledge where we saw fit and in a flash, my hand shot up. “Yes TB, you want to make a contribution or you have a suggestion to make” he asked. With that, I rose to my feet and without any thought, I said something along the lines of: “Mr. Chairman, having looked at the budget, all items are pertinent to making the wedding a success. I also think the most important thing we have to consider, is the issue of Bride’s underwear. It would be most unfortunate if on the day, she turned up at her wedding minus those items. Therefore I pledge to pay for them”

There was more than a ripple of laughter along with snide comments of: “Mr. Chairman, does TB intend to be there when Bride is dressing up just to make sure she’s wearing the underwear he bought?” 

Pictures: New Vision, ugandaweddingsmoments.blogspot.com   

Are Burna Boy and Elephant Man A Menace To Uganda's Teen Society?

In 2011 if memory serves me right, O’Neal Bryan breezed into town with an entourage that included a manager and others. Except, that when he flew in, we didn’t know him as O’Neal Bryan but as Elephant Man, a Jamaican dancehall musician and singer. He was in town to perform at Club Silk’s Street Jam.

O'Neal Bryan - Aka Elephant Man

 I had never heard of Elephant nor had I listened to any of his music but I did attend the concert – not because I wanted to, but to help out as I always did at the jam since its inception. Backstage and hospitality was where I worked with Alan Ntanda.

When the larger than life Elephant walked into his VIP tent – a tent that had been kitted out with everything from mobile air-con units, an impressive buffet spread, drinks - Singleton, JW Blue, Jameson and all, he (Elephant)  took the ‘come-to-daddy for a spanking’ cream sofa while his aides scurried around him.

Drinks poured and Elephant settled, it was time to break out the toilet bag for a pre-smoke before going on stage. Okay, so I’ve been to a couple of places and seen Rasta spark up a ganja joint, but theirs were weenies compared to what Elephant rolled up. His looked more like an exhaust pipe of a Mercedes Benz G-63 Wagon. As he exhaled, in no time and despite the air-con running at full blast, it was not the place to be – if you get my drift...

By the time Elephant and Co took to the stage, they were high – ‘floating’ that what they did on stage – short of being something out of Kamasutra, was alarming and frightening. They plucked Hapless Teen Girl – still in her S3 school braces and stimulated sex with her on stage.

 

Elephant Man Has A Way With The Ladies On Stage

Elephant’s followers, were mostly Teen Girl screaming their pre-pubescent love out to him. As his performance drew to a close, Manager pulled at my arm and his gruff voice was to the point. “We need some backstage entertainment for Elephant.” With that, he scoured the front row picking out half a dozen young girls and took them into the VIP tent. To say Elephant was more than delighted by what Manager had set up, was an understatement.

No need to tell you what went on is there…?         

A few weeks ago, Damini Ogulu was in town – except and like O’Neal Bryan did by jetting in as Elephant Man, Ogulu breezed in as Burna Boy. Burna, so Daughter told me, is a Nigerian Afro-fusion singer who rose to prominence in 2012 after releasing the lead single – ‘Like to Party’.

 

Damini Ogulu Aka Burna Boy

Burna took his gig to Sheraton, and just like at Elephant’s gig, earsplitting hordes of Teen Girl were out in force – out doing those who attended Elephant’s do. First of all, they turned up ‘naked’ in that they wore barely visible clothes. As for the money that mummy and daddy had splashed on them for drinks, an Uber back home and emergency cash, muzinga’s of Coconut Ug Wa were the order of the night that some of them didn’t get to see Burna perform – let alone, make it through the first five minutes of the opening acts for they had passed out somewhere in the gardens and abandoned by their friends.

Is Burna Boy A Menace To Uganda's Teen Society?

But the real horror came when Barely 20-Year-Old-Boy whipped out a bag of pills – ecstasy so he tells me: “For 40k, just pop a couple of them in her drink and she will be too high to know what she’s doing.” If that wasn’t bad enough, just round the corner, a group of teens were doing the ‘lines’. Snorting lines of cocaine off their Samsung S10+ and Apple iPhone XS phones.

Parent, you might just want to pay more attention when Teen goes out at night because it ain’t to the movies.       

Pictures: madroad.com, Daily Monitor, Halleluja, nairobinews.nationco.ke

      

Do We Have To Recognize Everybody At A Function?

Just how important do you have to be, to be recognized at a function? Do you have to be a minster, have a Dr. title, be an ambassador or can being a mere plebe like most of us are, suffice?

  

Did M7 Ask Each Delegate To Stand Up For Recognition?

By the way, the last time I recall being a delegate at a conference was at Speke Resort some years ago. It was a conference that The Man With The Hat – M7 that is, for those of you not in the know, graced. For some reason, his opening comments were about the Chinese. He said: “The Chinese have small eyes because where they live is so closed that their eyes are always half closed.” The quote has nothing to do with today’s tale, but I merely threw it in because I felt the introduction was wanting.

Do The Chinese Really Have Small Eyes?

At the same conference, there were a number of delegates from abroad including an American Senator. Seeing it was a conference that had weight, everybody who rose to speak had a couple of things in common – especially the need to introduce everybody. To bring you squarely into the picture, this is what First Speaker opened up with.

“Your Excellency, President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Mrs. Janet Museveni who is the patron of the association, Mrs. Maria Mtagamba, honorable minister of wildlife, tourism and antiquities, the Senator from New York, the delegates from America, Nigeria, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi, North America, our partners Brussels Airlines, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the Government of Uganda…” the list went on. At one point we thought First Speaker was going to mention everybody in the hall for his intro went on for 4:17 minutes.

I know because I was timing First Speaker.

Seeing that First Speaker had established and recognized everybody who was important, when Second Speaker took to the podium, this is what was said:

“Your Excellency, President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Mrs. Janet Museveni who is the patron of the association, Mrs Maria Mtagamba, the honorable minister of wildlife, tourism and Antiquities, the Senator from New York, the delegates from America, Nigeria, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi, North America, our partners Brussels Airlines, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the Government of Uganda…” well along those lines but with a little variation here and there. It took him a little over 5 minutes to get through that ramble.

Third Speaker clocked in at just over four minutes as did the fourth.

Did He Introduce Everybody

If the greetings were not impressive enough, all speakers felt that they had to end with a “thank you” note. This was First Speaker.

“I would like to thank his Excellency President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda for agreeing to come and open this conference, the minister of tourism and wildlife, Brussels Airlines  - where are you, could you please stand up for recognition, the head of Uganda Chamber of Commerce Mrs. …. please stand up for recognition, Pastor…….. please stand up for recognition. Time spent? 3:20 minutes.

Second Speaker also felt it obligatory to spend 2:42 minutes saying: “I would like to thank his Excellency President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the minister of tourism and wildlife, Uganda Tourist Board…..” And so on it went with the third and fourth speakers.

Moving on, at a recent wedding reception MC, and after introducing himself felt he would be doing guests a great disservice if he did not introduce his wife as well as asking her to stand up for recognition. Really?!?

Is It Right To Introduce your Wife If You Are The MC At A Wedding?

Honestly speaking, do we really need to greet everybody just because we perceive them as being important? And how do we define who is important and who is not? Why can’t we simply leave it at: “His Excellency President Museveni, The First Lady, Mrs. Museveni, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen?” 

Pictures: kfm.co.ug, chicamod.com, muzungubloguganda.com, tapatalk.com, theagentsofchange.com