Sunday, November 23, 2014

Pork For A Squeeze

They had hoped to eat free pork but got played. CHOGM is a pork place in Bunga.  I go there now and again and on my last visit, I sought to do some digging to find out why they call it CHOGM. There is a reason, except that nobody knows it.
My pork fests usually comprise of Nodin Mzee, John Aki-Bua, Paulo Lukwago, Kenneth Kayondo and sometimes Julius Mbabazi. We sit at the same table. We drink the same brand of drinks and if we have nothing to say, we engross ourselves in Facebook.

We were half way through four kilos of fried pork with all the trimmings when, Lady on the adjacent table began looking us over. She was truly blazed and not blazed from the Saturday afternoon drink, but she looked like she had been drinking since Friday night and had yet to go home.

She was all over the place – trying not to fall off the seat, falling asleep and doing her best to un-wedge her G-string from the ‘slice’ between her bottom. Since we were a quartet, we were not too sure who she was targeting until she made her move. It was Paulo.

As Paulo reached for a piece of pork, she tapped him on the elbow. He ignored her. When he reached out for another piece, again tapped him and he ignored. This went on a while until he decided to find out what she wanted. 

“Some pork” she asked. A drunk lady and though beautiful and who he had never met, presumed she would get pork from him just like that? While it was a brazen move, Paulo shrugged her off. Realizing that her good looks won’t get her an invitation to our table and the pork and perhaps some free beers, grudgingly, she dipped into her bag, pulled out a 20k and ordered a kilo including drinks for her and her friend.

Moving on, a young couple who looked like they were on a first date because they didn’t say anything to each other until a few sips on their Coke and Fanta broke the ice, sat down next to us. 

We saw Porkroaster lean over and nod his head as Chap made the order and we didn’t think much of it save for thinking they might have ordered a kilo between them.

When the order was served, it was something that necessitated me writing this article. It was one stick. Each stick has five pieces on it and each stick goes for 3,500k which would make each piece worth 700 shillings if my sums are correct.

Intrigued, we watched them share the stick and because Squeeze was doing most of the talking, Chap ate three pieces. And when Squeeze went to the washrooms, Chap slipped Porkroaster the 3,500k and that was it.

With two pieces of pork in her belly and with no other Fanta forthcoming, Squeeze drew the conclusion that Chap, was broke. She called Porkroaster back, put in an order for a kilo, a Nile Gold for him and a Fanta for herself and paid. 

When the kilo was served, Chap found it hard to digest the pieces because he had overheard Anus say: “How did he expect to her to give him ‘some’ from a stick of pork?"

While Nodin might have a point, Chap still emerged the winner by humiliating her. He humiliated her by buying her a measly two pieces of pork worth sh1,400 which left her hungry, hungry enough for her to dip into her purse and painfully use her money to buy a kilo, Fanta and Nile Gold – money she was perhaps hoping to save to buy bread and milk on her way home. Women obviously do carry money when they go out but want us men to pay for them.    

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