Screwdrivers and Pliers Are Not Sex Toys

Along came New Zealander, Philip Lyle Hansen.

Matters of the bedroom were once considered a taboo subject that the mere mention of word the word sex, would have Vicar hauling you in for a session of ‘cleansing prayers’. You see, society then, never said: “Last night I had sex”. Rather, they said: “Last night, I lay with a woman.”

Today society and sex have changed. We are liberal and so is sex. Sex is in our faces – on billboards, magazines, television, radio and newspapers. It’s also in the bufunda’s as we talk about it over a TML and it’s also on WhatsApp – just ask Desire Luzinda.

Sex is also big business on the stock market. Ann Summers, the British high street shop that specializes in sex toys and lingerie, last year, posted sales in excess of £100 million.

Here, Senga has be forced to up her lectures that when she goes to kasiki’s, she now goes with a case filled with toys and gadgets - all designed to please in the bedroom.

The parameters of sex as our parents and grandparents knew it are a thing of the past. These days when we go to the bedroom for sawa ya malavu, apart from taking Wifey or Girlfie, we also take Luther Vandross, Barry White, handcuffs, lacy lingerie and chocolates – which I am cool with – each man and woman to their own so I believe.

Now this where the upper-cased BUT comes in and I guess you saw it coming. In our zeal for a more liberating sex life, we have walked to the end of the world and fallen into the abyss like the New Zealander, Philip Lyle Hansen has.

Hansen likes women – which, is a good thing.

However, he likes ‘gummy’ women and by that, I mean – wait for it, wait for it, he likes women without teeth! Lol, that’s a tight one, but like I said, each man and woman to their own.

When Hansen takes women to bed, his bedroom is not romantic. There are no scented candles, no chocolates on the bedside and no Luther or Barry serenading in the background.

Rather, he has a mechanics tool box – much like the one that Car Mechanic who works near campus has – you know, the one that contains dirty and oily rags, plus pliers and screwdrivers. Somewhere in the middle of sex and as his sexual pleasure takes his mojo to a new height, he whips out the screwdriver and pliers and starts doing some dentistry – as in yanking out the teeth of the women he is having sex with - without their consent. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

New Zealand Crown Prosecutor, Sally Carter, told court in Wellington last week, that he (Hansen) pulled out six of her client’s teeth during sex and then used an oily rag to stem the bleeding. Client who can’t be named for legal reasons told court that she was afraid of saying “no” when the yanking started. Jeez.

Pause.

That was so disturbing and if you don’t mind, could I have a ten minute recess while I go get a breath of fresh air before I continue?

Cool?

Thanks.

I am back. Until Hansen came onto the scene, I had no idea that some men lust after women with no teeth. I tried to picture myself torn between the sheets and romancing such a woman but the picture was too fuzzy and failed to materialize – thank God! As for Client, allowing six of her teeth to be pulled out…? I really don’t know what to say.

Do you?

With that, I can see our parents and grandparents stepping in and putting me in a corner to be berated along these lines: “Listen up TB, in our day when we took Woman home to bed, we would roll up her nightie and lay with her for five minutes with the lights turned off. Once done, we rolled off and slept.
That was enough for us. Now tell us why you and the rest of your generation want to take Woman to bed along with Barry White, Teddy Pendegrass, pliers, screwdrivers, WhatsApp or toys from Senga and Ann Summers?”

Hmm, they might just have a point. 

This article was deemed too risqué to appear my Sunday Vision column this Sunday by the censor board