Kyalo For Christmas and Jiggers? Nope, Not For Me

Christmas Day, is but five days away and it’s the season I term the ‘silly season’ because, people take leave of their senses.

For example, I am at a loss to figure out why people wake up on Christmas Day to realize they have not shopped, then get vexed when they find the shops closed, prices hiked and Butcher, has nothing to sell but byenda? Can you imagine having byenda for Christmas lunch?

Why do people go to church on Christmas Day? I’ll be honest, here - people go not because they are Christians, but go because they don’t want to be criticized by society if they didn’t go.

And whose idea was it that on Christmas Day we should go to All Saints or Rubaga wearing new clothes? Just watch the men all wearing straight-out-of-kaveera Chinese imported shirts with enough static on them to light a sigiri, while the women look unhappy because in the shop, when Tailor held up the tailor made dress for them to see, it looked fine, but on Christmas Day when they tried it on for the first time, they realized it didn’t quite fit them.  

Frankly speaking, there is no point of going to church. They get crowded and if you don’t get there early, you will have nowhere to sit but, stand outside wondering why you didn’t heed my advice and stay at home – especially when churches these days beam the service straight into your home on television. And even if you did get to church early enough to snare a seat, there is a good chance of being thrown off it because a minister or VIP has arrived and they have no place to sit.

Meanwhile, in the alternative churches – where miracles supposedly happen, get ready to pay heavily when it comes to sitting. In those churches, you sit according to how much you intend to toss into the offertory basket. The more you toss then the closer to the front or the closer to ‘God’ that you sit. People intending to give 1k or coins, their place is outside in the kasana.   

Christmas Day is also a profitable day for Thief. As you bundle the family into the car and drive out to church, he will be watching from across the road and will know the house is empty. While you’re at church having your cell phone stolen by Thief next to you, he and his friends will be unscrewing the Samsung plasma screen off the wall, rifling through the house and carting away your valuables.

However, some people will give All Saints and Rubaga a miss and go in for the kyalo plot - which is the norm for most Ugandans, but not for me because after doing the economics, apart from Pajero fuel, the kids want to go with bottled water, KFC, mosquito repellent, DStv… this and that, and all that’s a budget breaker.

 Kyalo has it challenges – there is the never ending sick fund, the church development fund, the food and malwa fund for the locals and seeing we are in the middle of campaigns, we have to factor in the election campaign fund and it’s all too much.

Whenever I go to kyalo for Christmas, I give out presents but get nothing in return from Kyalo Man, unless getting jiggers, a running stomach and being invited to sit round a malwa pot which I bought qualify.

I know I am not going to bump into any of you in church on Christmas day – because I won’t be there, nor will I see you in kyalo, so it’s best I say it now – have a merry Christmas and especially my peeps at Sunday Vision.