January - The Month of Living On Banja

There is something about the first two weeks of January that makes it as depressing as watching the most daft man from Kiboga district trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with a piece that has a straight edge into the centre of the puzzle and wondering why it just won’t fit.

This month, January that it, three things will grip us – When is the next public holiday? How do I find the millions of shillings for Junior’s school fees? How will I survive to the end of the month because I have already blown my December pay? But, it’s Fat Person who we shall be looking at as we watch them trying to pluck up the courage to sign up at a gym in a bid to shed the lard.

It’s not politically correct to refer to Fat Person as fat person. The word to use, so I am told, is ‘overweight’. But the reality of it all is they are fat, just like out there, there are skinny people and who don’t go throwing tantrums because they have been called skinny.

I am blessed. I don’t get fat no matter what I eat. Thus, I will never know what fat people go though when they wheeze as they struggle to walk up the stairs, or to constantly sweat. Neither will I go through the anguish they feel when upon entering a taxi, everybody is secretly hoping that they (Fat Person), does not sit next to them.

But after the excesses of Christmas, Fat Person has to do something about the weight. That means for the best part of January and as we lean folk whose bellies are devoid of a beer belly drive home in air con rides, we shall see Fat Person sweating and straining in last year’s MTN marathon t-shirt jogging home or exercising at Kololo airstrip  – if not, walking about in the neighbourhood.

But the funny thing about Fat Person is that, there is a group who like to walk round Kololo airstrip and then drive home thinking they have achieved something. Fat Person, listen up here. Walking is not an exercise. It does nothing for you, nor is it a sport. I know it’s featured in the Olympic Games, but do you think an invite to State House is going to be in the offering because you got a gold medal for walking? I don’t think so. Do you think we will swarm Entebbe Airport to meet you when you come walking out of immigration with the medal draped round your neck? No. The only person that I can think of, and who has made a name for himself through walking, is of course, Johnnie Walker – hear, hear!.  

But while Fat Person struggles to deal with his weight issues, the rest of us will be thinking about school fees and where the money is going to come from. I don’t know which economist or payroll clerk invented the idea of paying December pay before Christmas, but he goofed because the average person blows his December pay way before December is over.

January is the ku banja month where we shop on a banja basis. While getting groceries on banja to tide us through till the end of the month is a tight affair because Market Trader deals only in cash transactions, getting drinks on banja at the local kafunda is the norm and a relatively easy affair. We all have a special relationship with Kafunda Owner for such emergencies and if you see me swing a round this month, just know it was a tight, a very tight round to swing. However, Junior’s school will not accept him for the new term on banja.