Beware of Girlfie With The Fake Hymen!

I bought the watch from Hawker at Valley Point, Ntinda, in good faith. It was a Casio and after a haggle, I got it at a good price. When I got home and took a closer look at it, it didn’t read Casio, but Gasio. The G was so subtle and made to look like a C. Three days later, Gasio, decided to stop telling me the time.

We have all bought something fake at some point and especially from the Chinese. However, the trade in fake goods thrives because of the demands of the fairer sex. SJP in the TV series, Sex and the City tells us that when it comes to handbags and accessories, women will die for anything by Louis Vuitton. A Vuitton handbag starts at $5,000 – a price most women can’t afford so they make do with fakes.

Fakes don’t stop at handbags but encompass eyelashes, hair, nails, boobs, noses, lips, bottoms and more.

Last year, bottom implants and lifts were the second and third fastest growing plastic surgery procedures. Bottom augmentation with fat grafting – where fat is pulled out of one area of the body and injected into the backside also rose by 15%.

But Bushenyi Woman, or Bunyoro Woman or Kigezi Woman need not worry, for bless them, they come born with bottom implants already installed and activated – so I assume. It be the women from Maadi, Kitgum, Koboko, Gulu who traditionally have a zero butt that have to look  £1,750 (sh8.6m)+, being the cost to have all sorts of fats and silicones injected into their bottoms that do not sit right.

However, for those who can’t raise the money, worry not. Kikkubo Woman Trader, (near Tourist Hotel) has imported fake butt underwear, and it’s the cheaper option. It comes in various sizes and is worn as you would normal knickers – except when you in the club, Kampala Road or the taxi-park and we men grab it for a squeeze, it won’t excite for it has a bland back-to-school pillow feel about it.

Fake body parts don’t end with the bottom, nose, boobs or fingernails. There is more, and it might be a good idea to send House-ee to the duuka for a muzinga ofUg Wa to get you through the last part of the column    

Virginia Care, a German company is selling – wait for it, wait for it - fake hymens that burst and spill fake blood to trick husbands into thinking she is a virgin. Virginia Care offers a package of two ultra-thin membranes that women can insert into themselves to make it appear that their hymen is not broken. Each membrane consists of two cellulose skins between which a sterile, freeze-dried blood powder has been injected.

There are two types: Virginia Care Original, which produces a red-brown colour aimed at in-laws for the day after to prove virginity and one that gives a ‘fresh-blood’ look to convince a new husband.

The membranes fix themselves in place using the warmth and moisture inside the woman’s body, and then when it is broken during sex, the blood mixture provides ‘evidence’ that she is a virgin.

Gentlemen, with all that, we have to question the composition of Girlfie, Wifey and Fiancée  – even the wholesome full bodied women from Bushenyi or Bunyoro, Matugga, Ku Biiri Stage on Gayaza Road because today, this is how your average woman is built. Choke on this.

Boobs – Silicon Valley, USA

Hymen – Hamburg, Germany

Hair - Philippines/Malaysia

Nails – Mexico

Butt – Organic and harvested from thighs

Eyelashes – United Kingdom

Lips – Silicon Valley, USA

In ten years time, you will find there is no real Girlfie or Wifey. Rather, they will be imports and displayed on the shelves of Nakumatt and not in the club, church or next village.