How To Accept A Bribe And Not Get Caught

SEEKING ADVICE from Ms Bayego whose Luganda is allegedly on par, this is what she says. Enjawulo = kickback. Enguzi = bribe.

Let’s be honest. Many of us have at some point accepted a kick back or a bribe. Just to point out, a bribe need not be cash. It could be an all expenses paid weekend to Mweya or Mombasa for example.

I was not at Serena Hotel when State Minister, Herbert Kabafunzaki, was snared for allegedly accepting a sh30m bribe - nor am I going to offer an opinion. However, I am going to do something unethical – educate you on what to do with your enguzi and some smart steps to make sure you don’t get caught like Kabafunzaki, Damian Kazinda of NFA and the rest.

Caught in a sting: State Minister Herbert Kabafunzaki

Don’t go to Serena: Wherever you go to pick up your enguzi, take a walk in the car park and look for cars that might belong to the security operatives and treat everybody as undercover agents out to nab you. When the money is comes out, in a clear voice say: “What is this? Why are you giving me this” until you are satisfied you are not being watched or recorded. 

Serena Hotel, Kampala 

Don’t Bank The Enguzi: Don’t accept enguzi by wire transfer or cheque. If Investor hands you a kaveera of cash, do not go to your local bank branch of Enjawulo & Enguzi and fill out a deposit slip. The banks are being watched - all of them. Uganda is a very small country and money trails are easy to follow.

Enguzi often comes under the table

DIVERSIFY: Diversify your cash portfolio. Spread it out by buying some South African Rand, Euros, US dollars, Sterling and Kenya shillings.

Diversify your money into different currencies

SPEND: Live for the moment. Spend and pay cash. The best way to launder enguzi, is by using it to cover as much of your living expenses as you can, because it never raises awkward questions and it goes out into the hands of local merchants – unless you are overcome with a bout of utter stupidity that sees you walk into Spear Motors and drive out in a sh600m Mercedes G-wagon yet, your monthly take home civil service pay is only sh4.2m. Your legitimate income - salary and so on can go into your bank account and remain untouched. Ka-ching!

SHUT UP: Don’t tell friends – not even Wifey or Mistress. Remember Akankwasa and the sh900m under the bed? Well, he told Wifey and he got rumbled. As Martin Lomasney, an American politician once said: “Never write if you can speak, never speak if you can nod, and never nod if you can wink.” If you get busted, shut up. So long as you’ve managed your money so it won’t testify against you, you’ll be just fine. Admit nothing!

Damien Akankwasa

Don’t Leave Things to Chance: Once you get whiff that the authorities have you under their radar, bust. Don’t leave things to chance like former Gambian President, Yahya Jammeh almost did and flee by a whisker. Obviously you would have set up your Plan in SA or wherever, that once you re-locate, there is a crib, car and operational bank accounts waiting for you eke out a life of stolen luxury.

The End Is Nigh: Former Gambian President, Yahya Jammeh

BE READY: Don’t keep all your enguzi in things like land or in places like banks that are closed at night. Truth be told, if you are living on enguzi, Cop may call at any time and no legal strategy is as solid as simply being somewhere else. You may have to up and take temporary refuge in the cesspit or the amayuuni plantation at a moment’s notice, but where is the money? Is it somewhere easily accessible? Think like Jason Bourne. This is the deal. You got to have ‘on the run survival dime’ and your passport stuffed in a holdall that you can quickly throw over your shoulder as you fast track to Busia or Katuna border posts or to Ggaba for a boat to Kisumu.

Make sure your passport is up to date 

Lay Low: Being on the run is about lying low and not getting caught. Ditch your SIM card and phone lest Geek at Uganda Communications Commission has a phone tracking gadget. And for heaven’s sake, don’t go onto social media and start posting pictures of yourself chilling out in a gated apartment in upmarket Sandon, Jo’burg or in Lavington, Kenya. Once you start posting, you’ll become careless and leave a trail all the way to your doorstep. 

Have No Shame: Heck, there is no nobility in poverty. If you didn’t accept the bribe Investor was dishing out, Colleague would have accepted it – if not Junior Colleague. You did the right thing.

Pictures: Getty Images, New Vision, Internet