Trivial and Daft Thoughts, Outrageous Escapades and Sometimes Serious Content As Appears In My Sunday Vision Column.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Living Large, Living Royalty
We all have a housie. I think. Some have a gardener, security
guard plus a driver while the superrich might also have a chef, waiters and waitresses.
I have met with royalty - King
Oyo, Kabaka Mutebi and Kyabazinga - not because they invited me to lunch or afternoon tea at their palaces, but because they happened to be in the same room
as I at a function. Let me rephrase that latter part of last sentence just in case I am accused of belittling royalty and say, I was in the same room as King Oyo, Kabaka Mutebi and Kyabazinga. I have also stood next to Prince Charles and William - only on a visit to
London’s Madame Tussauds wax works.
Kabaka Ronald Mutebi
Royals also have housies except, they have more - gardener,
armed protection units, butlers, footmen and secretaries. Inside their palaces,
they live a life of riley that is so detached from that of the rest of the
world and one which we humble plebes, can only marvel at.
While we can’t be certain what
excess Mutebi, Oyo and Kyabazinga indulge in, what we do know and on good
authority, is that back in the day, Oyo, who is a dog lover, had their food
sourced from Sheraton hotel.
In 1908, Henry Pu Yi, the last
Chinese Emperor succeeded to the throne as a two-year-old. As Emperor, he was
pampered to the hilt in the Forbidden Palace with servants at his beck-and-call
that, when he was thrown into goal by the Communist’s as an adult in the 1950s,
he still had a lackey to hold his wee wee
for him as he took a pee. For real!
Like Yi, in the UK, Prince Charles
had a beck-and-call servant upbringing in Buckingham Palace. As the future King
of England, there was nothing that he had to do for himself because, Servant
was there to grovel up to him whenever summoned. A recent expose in The Daily Mail newspaper, listed some of
the privileges that he has enjoyed and still enjoys as heir apparent.
Come the morning, while most of
us squeeze Colgate out onto our toothbrushes, no so Prince Charles. Charles has
Servant who does that rather mundane task for him. Servant does the squeezing,
hands the brush to him, then steps back until he (Charles) is done. Servant
then rinses the brush and puts it away – or tosses it?
Servant will then run the tub.
While Charles has his bath – not quite like Eddy Murphy had in the movie, Coming To America (we hope), Servant
lays out a selection of shirts, suits, ties, socks, shoes and boxer shorts.
For breakfast, he has freshly
squeezed orange juice, specially made muesli, granary toast and six types of
honey - all presented on a silver tray. When he travels, he only eats food
prepared by his personal chef, and the food is transported in cool boxes – even
when he goes abroad. He does like sandwiches – but, they must be exactly 8cm in
diameter, sliced in half and the crust must be cut off.
The most Housie does for me, is of course, to wash and iron my clothes, wash
the ride, polish shoes, with the one extravagance – if it is indeed an
extravagance, to lay my bed.
But I wasn’t done with Charles
just yet. What Housie does for me,
was just to break the conversation -to give you time to digest what you just
read and go, “TB, are you for real?” And
get this. Wherever Charles goes, apart from packing his own food, Chef also
packs – wait for it, wait for it, his own salt which, as you may guess, Waiter
will present on a silver tray.
But the winning move - and you had
better be sitting down with a muzinga
of Ug Wa in hand and the cat out of
range of getting a kicking. Housie
doesn’t just polish shoes. Housie also IRONS the shoelaces, laces up the shoes then takes them to
Charles. WTF! Over to you Kyabazinga,
Mutebi and Oyo!