Saturday, August 26, 2017

"I Slept The Entire Weekend" She Said - Jeez!

It was an odd Sunday last week. I stayed in. Not because I lacked in company or dime was bleak, but I thought I would stay home and slumber. The thing is, every Monday when I greet my female friends and female work colleagues and I ask about their weekend, the conversation tends to drawl along this stroke.

TB: “How was your weekend?”

Female Friend: “Fair.”

TB: “What did you get up to?”

Female Friend: “I was sleeping.”

Now check, mbu ‘fair.’

For a while, I used to think that Female Friend had been clubbing all night and gotten home in the wee hours of the morning and hence the need to sleep. Except she hadn’t been clubbing all night. She was in bed by 9:30pm on Friday and Saturday and cuddling a teddy bear Ex-Boyfie gave her on her birthday some years ago. So what did she mean when she said she spent the weekend sleeping?

A prod further and I was enlightened. I found out that after she had tea and bread for breakfast, she went back to bed - not because she didn’t get enough sleep the previous night, but ‘just to sleep.’ Hmm! I prodded deeper and I got told women, especially Below 35 Year Old Woman spends the weekends sleeping for err, the sake of it or ‘for just’ as I get told every Monday morning.

Last Sunday after morning tea and bread, I went back to sleep. Except I couldn’t sleep. So I tried to force sleep and I still couldn’t sleep. Rather than lie in bed idling, I decided to read the book I’ve reading – Bill Bryson, The Road To Little Dribbling until I remembered what I had been told. Below 35 Year Old Woman doesn’t read - not books and if she reads newspapers, it’s The Kampala Sun because it’s got many colourful big pictures of people at functions and parties. The only reading her brain can conceptualise is her WhatsApp and Facebook messages.        

Getting back, before long I found myself drifting off into slumber, though it wasn’t a deep chloroform slumber because I could still sort of hear the rattle of a boda exhaust pipe as the bike hurtled down the road. But what was surreal about drifting in and out of sleep it that I had an array of dreams of which I can remember none except this one. And please don’t laugh!
That I represented Uganda at the Sex Olympics finals in Italy, Rome and scooped our first ever medal – the  bronze. If I had put in more effort, I could have gotten the silver but Judge deemed my ‘finish, dismount, roll over and fall asleep’ technique rather weak and wanting. Coach thought of appealing.... That’s where the dream ended and much to my aggravation because the noise of Grass Cutter’s machine next door woke me up.

As I lay seething at Grass Cutter, it got me thinking. I wonder how many Sex Olympics Below 35 Year Woman has attended and is it that the reason why they like spending the weekends sleeping?

After a hearty lunch and after Grass Cutter had taken his leave to go and annoy another neighbourhood I went back to sleep. Sleep this time came effortlessly – probably because I had quaffed three beers and when I woke, it was 5:30pm. The entire afternoon had been wasted with not one notable dream to remember.

At work on Monday when asked how I spent the weekend, well before Below 35 Year Old Woman had finished asking, I had already blabbered that I spent it sleeping. Guess her response? “It was fair. I spent it sleeping.” 

Jeez, get a life!  


Do They Know Christmas Is Over...?

Neighbour so it seems, does not know that Christmas is over. A good part of me thinks it’s because he was gifted with a surround system as...