Abiriga, The Yellow Coward Who Got Goofed

A melee is a melee. Be it in a boxing ring, the kafunda, Old Taxi Park and even in parliament where round the world, it’s been happening for years - from Taiwan to South Korea, Japan to Ukraine, and Italy to Greece... The list is endless.

Closer to home, Africa’s most illustrious parliamentary brawler is South Africa’s Julius Sello Malema, leader of the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), a political party. For Malema, tussling in parliament is his way of life – part of EFF’s DNA and they relish in it.

South Africa's Julius Malema

 Here, I have asked and nobody can recall if any of our legislators has been involved in a physical melee at parliament. Of course there have been numerous ranting spats on the steps of parliament, but not a physical melee though I do stand to be corrected on that.

Well, until last week of course.

But hold up a second or two before we get into the gist of today's ramble. Remember what Kenny Rodgers crooned all those years ago in his song - Coward of The County, that......

 "Everyone considered him the coward of the county, he'd never stood one single time, to prove the county wrong his mama called him Tommy, but folks just called him yellow...”

  

Bernard Atiku, Ayivu MP (wherever that is) and Ibrahim Abiriga, Arua Municipality MP (and at least I do know where Arua is), were in parliament for obvious reasons. They are members of parliament. That aside, they were going to discuss a topic to do with age.

 

Ibrahim Abiriga MP

Somewhere in the corridors when they met up and faced each other, they had a verbal spat that words such as “stupid” and “fool” were hurled at Atiku and that was it. The fuse was lit. Akitu charged at Abiriga. In retaliation, Abiriga grabbed Akitu by the neck and as the scuffle unfolded, Cop stepped in. The basis of the fight, is of course of no concern to us in this column but what is, is that both MPs did NOT observe ‘melee protocol.’

Melees are usually preceded by a crowd baying for blood as both sides square up. In this case there was no baying crowd. In the absence of a baying crowd, they could have had a curtain raiser – like an artiste to sing a song or two before the fight. Seeing that Bobby Wine is not just an MP but a musician too, he could have crooned one or two songs. 

 

The Melee Going Down

Secondly, in this day and age, who still uses “stupid” and “fool” as words of insult and worthy of a fight? There is an arsenal of vulgar swear words that are more effectual – that sear though the soul and sever anything to do with rational thought. I would have laid bare some of the words, but the ladies who sit on Sunday Vision Censor Board are very effective at their job.

Cops Rush In To Save The Day

Once the dust had settled, what did Abiriga ask for? Hmm, water while Akitu probably went off to celebrate with friends and drink a muzinga of JW Blue label and pop a bottle or two of Moet champagne.

And MP listen up, when you fight make sure the TV cameras are nearby and don’t simply go in for a scuffle of grabbing necks. Swing hot slaps, put fingers up his nose, tear his shirt – at least pull one sleeve off. If not, leave it in tatters.

Then lunge for his trousers – get that belt off him so his pants fall. And as he flees do a ‘Muntadhar al-Zaid’ and throw your shoes at him because all this makes for great Bukedde TV news.

 

Only Losers Ask For Water

Once the dust has settled and you face the media, this is how you handle it.

If You Got Goofed:

“It’s very unfortunate that my honourable friend attacked me. I am a family man and uphold family values. God is my saviour and will see me through.”

If You Triumphed:

“That MP, tumbavu! Who does he think he is? I could have kicked his butt all the way back to his constituents so they see the coward that his is. I wouldn’t be surprised if his wife left him to come live with me because I am a real man! Now I hear he went crying to M7. What will M7 do, send mambas to arrest me? Adangamu!”     

By the way, Muntadhar al-Zaid is the Iraqi journalist whose claim to fame is throwing his shoes at George Bush in December 2008.   

Muntadhar al-Zaid

Pictures: New Vision, Agencies

Govt's sh12bn Bulls Are Mere Sex Slaves

Is there something wrong with government? Let’s fast track to Entebbe and to the National Genetic Resources Centre and Data Bank (NAGRC&DB), who so newspaper headlines screeched last week had spent a staggering sh12bn on purchasing eight bulls from South Africa. This is how they spent part of the money.

* $29,000 (sh104M) for four Romagnola bulls

* $24,000 (sh86m) for four Braham bulls

* $974,392 (sh3.5bn) in insurance and maintenance

* Sh1bn on a stud farm

How New Vision Broke The Story And A Tweet I posted

Am not a farmer, but thankfully, Google ‘is’ and a quick search on both bulls reveals that the disposition of Brahman cattle is often questioned. 

Apparently, Brahmans are intelligent, inquisitive and shy. They are unusually thrifty, hardy and adaptable to a wide range of feeds and climate. However, these characteristics also suggest careful, kind handling methods. Brahmans like affection and can become very docile. They quickly respond to handling they receive, good or bad. Well bred, wisely selected and properly treated Brahmans are as easily handled as other breeds. They originated from India.

On the other hand, the Romangnola breed derives from the Bos primigenius podolicus, a wild ox which lived on the Italian peninsula and, to a great extent also, from the Bos primigenius nomadicus, a bovine originating in the Euro - Asian steppes, which came to Italy during the fourth century A.D. with the Gothic invasion led by Aginulf.

 

A Romangnola Bull

That said, why did NAGRC&DB feel the need to splurge sh12bn+ plus on eight ‘exotic’ bulls? Were they going to be zapped, have their throats slit in an abattoir and end up on a fine china plates along with roast potatoes, Bistro gravy and vegetables at a State House dinner? Or was it much cheaper to get them from abroad rather than procuring them from Herdsman in Karamoja or Mbarara and Bushenyi?

Transgressing slightly, I have heard of cases on the Indian subcontinent and especially in South Africa and Nigeria where women have been known to abduct healthy young men, lock them in a room and forcibly make off with their sperm without their consent. Why they feel the need to steal the sperm, some say it has everything to do with juju. Others say because the men are healthy and of ‘good stock’ the women have the sperm implanted in themselves so they bear kids with good attributes but without actually having sex with the men.

In the article I read (New Vision, Tuesday 12th September), there was no mention of the bulls being of ‘good stock’ or that they would sire cows and bulls of good stock.

   

Digging deeper, the peeps who run NAGRC&DB are merely a bunch of morbid sadists who are twisted, perverse and full of sinister raison d'être. The reason why they bought the bulls has nothing to with good stock. They bought them to be sex slaves!

Like the women who steal male sperm they (the bulls), will also have their sperm taken without their consent and will not have any physical contact with a cow. Rather, the semen will be extracted by artificial insemination in a sh1bn centre and stored in a fridge somewhere in Entebbe.

But that’s not all. The bulls are required to produce a mind boggling 192,000 doses of semen over a period of four years (4,000 doses a month) and that semen will be flogged sh50k a dose which translates to well over sh8.3bn. And there is no mention of what happens to the sh8.3bn.

Animal right activists have been surprisingly muted on the subject but I am sure former agriculture minister, Specioza Kazibwe must be frothing at the mouth. Remember what she said all those years ago when she was still minister – that, “even bulls like to have sex!”

"Even Bulls Like To Have Sex" - Former Agriculture Minister Dr Spe Kazibwe

Pictures: New Vision, Agencies 

    

Pastor Mbonye Meeting Jesus is Like Saying Michael Jackson is Still Alive and Living in Ndeeba

Let me say it as it is from the onset and get it over and done with. The fetish of kissing shoes or feet is known as podophilia. 

I rarely watch television but by chance, I caught an interview with Elvis Mbonye who as you all know, has a job title of Prophet. Just to make sure we are all on the same page, Wikipedia defines prophet as: “An individual who has been contacted by a divine being in order to speak on the entity's behalf, serving as an intermediary with humanity by delivering messages or teachings from the supernatural source to other people.” And Jesus is the divine being Mboyne is supposedly in contact with. Hmm!

As the interview unravelled, Mbonye with not a trait of guilt in him shamelessly admitted how he had met Jesus. That he (Jesus) came to his bedroom and far from being anything like the pictures of him (Jesus) with a scraggily hair and unkempt beard that have circulated the globe for years, he is a young man who is handsome and beautiful.

However, Female Interviewer should have thrown the book at him – probing and digging further because there are a number of unanswered questions.

1.       How did he get to heaven – with KQ, Ethiopian, Emirates or first class with Heaven Airlines?

2.       Was he there by invite and how was the invitation communicated?

3.       What was Jesus wearing – Jeans, T-shirt and baseball cap or it was a strict all white dress code?

4.       Seeing he was in heaven, did he get the chance to seek out the Ugandan community who have died and might        have made it to heaven?

I have never met Pastor Mbonye and I doubt we will meet in the near future because I hear he tends to wander all over the land holding fellowships which, I do not have the time for and would rather be ensconced in one place like El Classico, with a bucket and in the company of Julio, Kayos, Doc and Paulo.

Apart from his ‘I met Jesus’ revelation, a few weeks ago Pastor dressed up to the nines in white – right down to his shoes which, was reminiscent of former Liberian warlord, Charles Taylor, Napoleon Bonaparte and former emperor of Central African Republic, Jean Bedel Bokassa and of course both God and Jesus, then sat in a lavish white chair with lashings of gold on the edges of the head and arm rests.

The dinner was not free and I have never known Pastor to do anything for free. They always take but never give back. Tickets to eat with him started at sh1m for platinum, sh750,000 for gold, sh500,000 for silver and sh300,000 for kayola. Considering he got a near full house, he must have been laughing in the back of the bullion van all the way to the bank.

Sacks of money aside, at some point during dinner and perhaps overcome by emotion or maybe a infusion of momentary lunacy, people felt compelled to get out of their seats, clamber up to his alter and spread themselves on the ground much like the subjects of Kings’ Oyo and Mutebi do when they (Oyo and Mutebi) are in the vicinity.

But then some decided that merely falling to the ground was not befitting of Mbonye in his eminence as Prophet. They had to give more to him and they did. So what did they give? Err, they kissed, they snogged his white shoes!

Why would educated people feel the needed to go start kissing some chaps shoes? Mafia Don’s underlings don’t kiss his shoes, nor does Minister kiss M7s or Catholics kiss Pope’s feet - though I do stand to be corrected on M7 and the Pope.

But as happens with all religious cults of sort, the end is always nigh – remember how Rev Jim Jones of Guyana ’78, his flock perished after they all drank poison? And David Koresh of Waco ’93, his followers were burnt alive while closer to home in Kanungu in 2000, Joseph Kibwetere and his ranks (Below) met their death in a grizzly mass suicide fire.  

Pictures: New Vision, Agencies

      

IGP Kayihura Gives Malaya's Civil Servant Status

‘Transparency’ so the IGG’s office constantly wails and ‘the need to be above the board in awarding government tenders, jobs, contracts and so forth to the best there is, because it makes for better government and due diligence has been exercised.’

Two weeks ago, Kale Kayihura’s Uganda Police and Father Lokodo’s Ministry of Ethics and Integrity hired people to fill various vacancies within their departments. There is nothing wrong with that except, I’m of the approach that transparency and due diligence were not employed.

Let’s start with IGP who hired 200 prostitutes to boost the spy ranks of the police force. But pause a jiffy while I twirl this in my head for is prostitution not an illegal activity in Uganda? Are these not the same prostitutes Father Lokodo is trying to rid the city of who are now being offered 'civil servant status' as spies to elicit information from punters whilst in the throes of a sawa ya malaavu session in some backstreet lodge?

That aside, there are many peeved prostitutes who operate on Speke Road and in Capital Pub, Kabalagala and Deuces in Kansanga. Listening to their beef with IGP, they maintain that no job adverts were placed in New Vision or in Bukedde. They further argue that they are more qualified than District Prostitute who were given the jobs because they (District Prostitute) don’t have access to the internet and a diverse range of Foreign Punter to know the latest hooker trends and modules on the market. Another question, will their names be added to Ministry of Public Service employee payroll list so their salaries can be paid into the bank? 

Prostitutes being rounded up by police

But why does IGP need to hire Prostitute to gather intelligence? The police force has a number of directorates – Counter Terrorism, Metropolitan Police, Criminal Investigation and Crime Intelligence to do that and now there is a Directorate of Prostitution. Unless of course, Prostitute has been hired to gather a different type of information from Suspect like – ‘size, technique he used, passion depth, kissing style, romance in bed, preferred type of contraception....?’

Moving on, Porn Cop, Father Lokodo that is, also leaped into the fray in an attempt to grab the headlines from Kayiura. He too, has been hiring people to sit on his sh2bn Porn Committee and has appointed Dr Annette Kezaabu Kasimbazi, deputy vice-chancellor academic affairs at Kampala International University to chair the committee. Hmm!

No offence meant to the good Dr because I’ve never met her, but did Lokodo ask about her porn qualifications? What about the rest of the committee, how did Lokodo pick them? Were interviews conducted? What criteria was used? Where they shown the clip from Halle Berry’s 2001 movie, Monsters Ball and asked to write an essay on it? And hold up, has anybody seen Lokodo’s porn qualifications or does Appointing Authority know something the rest of us don’t?

With a sh2bn budget and the opportunity to spend the day in a murky room in the basement of La Bonita theatre watching porn flicks and perusing through back issues of Hustler and Playboy, did nepotism come into play?

I know many Ugandans are wasted in the jobs they currently do. I know because of the porn they post on their WhatsApp groups. Secondly, I doubt Dr Kasimbazi and her fellow committee members – Dalton Opwonya, Sheikh Mohammad Ali Waiswa, Pastor Martin Sempa and the rest know what they have let themselves in for.

Father Lokodo wants to make her unemployed

During a New Vision interview, Kasimbazi said her committee will start work in September after induction. “Induction” I hear you squeal? Most likely they are off to Kyankwanzi to go though back issues of Playboy. And if she get through the first five minutes of the pig scene without throwing up in the porn movie - Animal Farm which I might add, has nothing to do with George Orwell's bestseller book, then perhaps, Kasimbazi might just have the right qualifications for the job. 

But I seriously doubt. I expect her quit by the time she gets to the graphic images on page two of Hustler magazine where the naked model has spread her legs wide open and is ...... Let me leave it at that. 

And in a final act of utter porn lunacy, Porn Committee has decided that if you text Wifey, Girlfie, Boyfie or whatever and the message sizzles that you end up having sex, you will be deemed guilty of having sent porn and deserve to be punished.

How NTV reporter Raymond Mujini tweeted the news from Kasimbazi

   
Pictures: The Daily Monitor, New Vision, Raymond Mujuni  

 

      

  

Ministers, Judges Do NOT Have Right of Way - Period!

According to current affairs specialist Angelo Izama, when it comes to who has right of way on our roads, he has this to spew: “Vehicles carrying cabinet ministers have no right of way on Ugandan roads neither do those carrying members of parliament or a more familiar sight, bullion vans transporting cash to and from financial institutions.”

“The only vehicles carrying government officials who have a right of way are M7s and his vice, Edward. The law also allows ambulances and other vehicles responding to emergencies like police and fire brigade.” His source of information is Uganda Police, who supposedly administer law and order in the land.

That said, there is Minister of State who gets whizzed round the Kabalagala, Muyenga and Bunga area code in a brown Toyota Land Cruiser and whose driver is the utmost road irritant. I can’t tell you who Minister of State is – not because it’s unethical to shamelessly expose him in this column, but because the windows are deeply tinted, it’s next to impossible to peer in and distinguish who it is. Anyway, his car registration number is UG 0218D.

Minister of State’s Driver with I guess, the consent of State Minister believe they have every right to tear up all road traffic regulations since road traffic laws were established. The Land Cruiser mounts the pavements if not, blares its horn and flashes its blue and red grill lights so you get out of the way. Of course I stubbornly refuse which has resulted in the font passenger door being flung open with Bodyguard jumping out and telling me and other road users to get out of the way since Minister of State needs to get where he is going.

And guess where there were going? Not to attend urgent matters of state, but to TMT supermarket next to Wine Garage in Muyenga. I thought of stopping to unleash some assurances, but save for having had a bad day and a headache coming on, I let it slide.

Lady Judge was being driven to work when her Mitsubishi came into contact with me at the turning into Railway Road from Access Road. Despite my having the right of way, her driver wouldn’t have any of it and forced life to overtake. And he knocked Boda over. I was so out of my ride in a flash, knocking on her window and telling her the accident was caused by her drivers reckless driving but all she could muster was giving me ‘the stare’. 

PM, lives somewhere in Munyonyo. Everybody who uses Ggaba road knows that during rush hour, the most dangerous junction is that in Soya at Naduli’s trading centre except of course and wait for it, wait for it - PMs Driver and convoy. Right from Kansanga, they hurtle past the bumper-to-bumper traffic at terrifying speeds with sirens blaring and unknown to them, leaving a number of accidents in their wake as panic stricken drivers knock into each other in a bid to give the convoy way.

Transgressing slightly, have you noticed that most of the ambulances with flashing lights and sirens blaring during the evening rush hour are always headed to the Old and New Taxi Parks - not to go and pick up Patient, but but because they are dropping off Staff?

The only time we tend to hear sirens blazing from ambulances or police cars, is when there is a traffic jam. We never hear a siren at 2:00am or 4:00am. But we hear them between 7:00am – 9:00am; 12:30pm – 2:30pm and 5:00pm – 8:30pm that I am tempted to think that the first thing Driver of ambulance, police pick up or any ride that’s compacted with sirens and flashing lights gets taught, is how to use them when stuck in a traffic jam.               

Photos: Chimp Reports, New Vision, Daily Monitor