Saturday, June 30, 2018

Slay Queens Ride The Elevators To Explode Zits In The Mirror

Let’s start off with some froth on lifts. What many don’t know, is that ‘elevator’ = American and ‘lift’ = English. Seeing we are part of the Commonwealth, let’s use ‘lift’ from now on. The average size of an office lift is 6.5 to 7 feet wide by 5 to 6 feet deep (front to back) and have doors that are 3.5 to 4 feet wide, carry about 10 people with a combined weight of 800kgs. The average lift will take you up and down floors at a speed of approximately 1000/64 = 15.6 mps.

The Average Lift Carries Ten People With A Combined Weight Of 800kgs

While most high-rise buildings in Kampala do have lifts, the people who ride in them, have the most bizarre habits.

Elevator Out Of Service

Hard to believe, but there are people out there who believe ‘Elevator Out Of Service’ signs are some sort of ruse. When they see the sign pinned to the door, they are mortified and stand about looking all puzzled and trying to decipher what might be wrong with it. Even though a barrier has been erected round the lift door, they will still squeeze past and press the lift call button – for ‘just’ or ‘just to make sure’ it’s actually under service.

Elevator Out Of Service Sign Does Not Deter 

That Man Who Thinks Your Idling

You are huddled with six other people – all of you with eyes focused on the lift floor indicator and keenly tracking its progress down to the ground floor when, Man Who Thinks Your Idling walks into the building. He often appears aloof and full of himself, that he wastes no time in pushing through the crowd to press the lift call button. You see, this man thinks that all who are waiting for the lift have not thought about pressing the lift call button – hence the reason it’s still ‘stuck’ up on one of the higher floors.

There Is Always That Person Who Thinks Your Idling At The Lift Door

The Person Who Gets In First    

We all know them. As soon as the lift doors open up, they rush in – hardly giving people who want to get out a chance. Its almost like survival of the fittest. But wait up, The Person Who Gets In First, always runs to book space at the back of the lift and stands there looking all smug cramming to get in. But wait for this, wait for this. Guess what floor that person is going to? Not to one of the top floors of the building, but to the 1st floor, if not 2nd!! Can you imagine the aggravation that the rest of the passengers have to go through - having to get out of the lift so the smug The Person Who Gets In First can get out?

The Person Who Gets In First Is Only Going To The First Floor 

The Beauty Queen

A lift with a mirror is a godsend for Beauty Queen and she will do just about everything from exploding that zit on her chin, applying makeup and readjusting her boobs. Some go that one step further, especially men who press their faces right into the mirror, turn their faces up so they can look deep into their nasal sewers to dig out that blob of snot that’s been itching away in the taxi from home in Matugga. And when they eventually get hold of it, the braves ones wipe it on to the mirror while the timid, roll it into a ball and wipe it on the underside of the handrail.

In Every Lift, There Is That Woman Exploding Her Zits Into The Mirror 

I’m Not The Lift Attendant    

It is generally perceived that they who stand nearest to the floor buttons are supposed to be the lift drivers or operators. Not me because I’m Not The Lift Attendant nor do I do any favours. I won’t press any floor button – not even for 82-year-old granny who is in the twilight of her life, can hardly see and walks with a deep stoop.

He Who Stands By The Lift Buttons, Becomes The Lift Attendant

The Perv  

There are two kinds of Lift Pervs. The first kind always stands facing women with big busts and pressing themselves deep into them while trying to gawping inside their blouses and fighting hard not to slaver their malusu all over the place. The other type, will grind their groin onto the butt that’s in front of them and they don’t care about butt shape or size. Another thing, Perv doesn’t care all if the butt his grinding is male or female.       

In Every Lift, There Is A Perv


Pictures: Agencies

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