Don't Feed The Villagers This Christmas - They Have Uncultured And Uncouth Stomach's

This Christmas, District Level Peeps have to find their level!  Joy hails from Serere – wherever that is. Ivan is from Koboko, Joe is from Kabowhe while Hikmat feigns to be from Bombo but I’m most certainly sure she is from somewhere up north.

As you read this week’s drabble, most, if not all of them – and others too, will be alighting from a tedious bus journey in their respective districts where, they are set to spend the Christmas vacation. But as they alight to be greeted by District Level Peeps, one thing they (District Level Peeps) expect to see amongst the luggage, is something plastic. By plastic, I mean the two essential plastic things that District Level Peep loves the most – a brand new basin that glistens in the sun and gleaming new jerrycan – one that they can show off at their next visit to the borehole.

A New Shiny Plastic Jerrycan Is To Die For In Kyalo

Barbra Mulwana, who heads that Industrial Area based plastics company, must be watching in awe as the shelves of basins, jerry cans, plastic cups and chairs empty for just about everybody headed out to the district for Christmas would have bought one of them – except for Joy, Ivan, Joe and Hikmat who all dilly-dallied. Way before December loomed, I kept on reminding them to get a basin and jerry can as soon as possible and not to wait until December when a price hike due to demand hits. Did they listen? No. By the time they thought of going downtown, the prices had shot up.

Barbra Mulwana - The Queen of Plastics

Getting back, a couple of weeks ago, I spent time with Dr Martin Aliker and he tells an interesting tale about Christmas in his village in Gulu. Every January or so, he makes it a point of slaughtering two bulls, and throwing in some booze for Village Peep to make merry. But as the years have rolled on, he’s began to notice that Village Peep who turns up to make merry is not from the neighborhood but from some other place all together. For all he knows, they might have travelled down from Kitgum or Lira for the event!

Will Martin Aliker Slaughter A Bull For The Villagers In Gulu?

Christmas for District Level Peep, is a big deal - not because it’s the festive season, but because and if they are lucky, they get to eat different things in huge amounts and not the usual quarter kilo of byenda, or yams or posho left over from supper two nights ago.

When Kampala Peeps hit the districts, they bring food and drink to compliment their stay – Danish bacon rashes, Heinz baked beans, cornflakes, coco pops, Frankfurters, New Zealand salted butter, Heinz tomato sauce, Danish Blue Cheese and KFC. In the ice coolers are cans of Budweiser and Heineken along with whiskeys like Chivas Regal, The Famous Grouse and Glenfiddich that District Level Peep has never of.

The Village Taste Buds Won't Appreciate An 18-Year-Old Malt Whiskey

Obviously with all that, you so well know what stunt District Level Peep is going to pull. He going to forge a way to have Christmas lunch with Kampala Peep. Ok, so what that District Level Peep can get bitten by a gazillion mosquitos and not get malaria, drink water straight from the same stream the cows drink from, and eat rats with the same passion Kampala Peep eats a steak from Café Java’s and not get sick.

But once Christmas lunch is done, he’s going to spend the next eight hours hovering over the pit latrine or squatting in the mayuni plantation because a serious bout of diarrhea would have kicked in.

You see, District Level Peep’s have the most uncouth and profane stomachs that are not mature, vintage, refined, cultured or sophisticated enough to digest bacon, Heinz baked beans, Kellogg’s cornflakes, Anchor New Zealand salted butter, Heinz tomato sauce, Danish cheese, Budweiser beer, The Famous Grouse, Glenfiddich or Chivas Regal whiskeys. 

Salted Butter Will Give Villager A Stomach Ache

Have a good Christmas District Level Peep!

Pictures: oldliquorcompany.com, cn.jnkoulive.info, nice.co.ug, youtube.com