When At A Job Interview, She Says: "I Can Do Anything..."

Back in the day, I used to hustle for a television station. Prior to my stint, the only thing I knew about television was picking up the remote and changing channels. I hadn’t been inside a station and probably would never, had it not been for my close friend – Elvis Wavamunno who, offered me a job as a producer on Showtime Magazine. I also had no idea what a producer did, but I figured, since I had watched enough foreign television, it wouldn’t be hard to replicate what they do and adapt it to Uganda. Through luck, or maybe the determination to succeed, Showtime Magazine became a must watch show with the help of Tilly Muwonge and Christopher Eritu.  

Tilly Muwonge Oozed Talent At WBS

In the years I spent there, I never quite grasped how people were hired. Was it because Elvis took risks on people like I, who he thought could deliver? Okay, some had experience and had come from UBC. Others like Godfrey Kivimubi and Ramathan Khan, were exceptionally accomplished in graphics. Some were eloquent and had that TV face while a certain Dan Nankunda, knew everything there was to know about the masts in Kololo. However, there were many who came in without purpose or direction.

I was loitering in reception when she walked in. She wore slick heels that made a ‘click’ sound when she walked. Her clothes were immaculate. The scent about her, was not from a perfume bought in some Kampala boutique, but oozed Duty Free - London, Paris or Dubai. She sparkled and sizing her up and down, she was in my opinion, a woman with more than a degree of purpose about her - ambitious, strong and with direction. She had a conversation with Jane, the receptionist who called me over. It turns out Woman With A Purpose had been sent from Nakawa to be offered a job.

She Was Was Sharply Dressed When She Walked In

Seeing she was very different from many who came looking for jobs, I eagerly waited to hear what her contribution to television would be. What she would improve, what were her ideas and so forth. I envisioned a challenging and stirring meeting/interview that would last for hours-on-end.

When we sat down and I asked her what she knew about television, it was something about watching a show – a Spanish series that had been dubbed into English. Hmm, not what I was expecting. My next question was direct and to the point: “What would you like to do at WBS?” Her answer – for a girl in classy heels, expensive duty free perfume and stylish clothing literally floored the intestines out of me. “I can do anything.”

Woman With A Purpose was not the first person I had interviewed and who gave the “I can do anything” answer. In fact, I always have a great sense of ‘achievement’ when I get given that answer. It’s like I have arrived, I have won the gold medal and I have been made a national hero for I knew how to deal with her.

Without hesitation, I took Woman With A Purpose who by now, had been relegated to Woman Without A Purpose to the 4^th floor and marched her to the broom cupboard. With a smirk about me, I pulled out a mop and told her she would be mopping the corridor at least twice a day. At that, her jaw literally wiped the floor.

She Was Not Amused When I Told Her She Will Be Mopping The Corridors

Looking me up and down with utter contempt, she whipped out a phone, a slick phone that then, only people like Patrick Bitature, Sudhir Ruparelia, Bob Kabonero and a few others could afford and made a call. Minutes later, she hung up, stood legs akimbo, crossed her arms and waited. Then my phone rang. When she saw the: “Oh sh**, oh sh**t, I am so fu**ing screwed” look on my face as I answered, it was now her turn to smirk. And she did.

Taking the call, all I could say was: “Yes chairman, I understand. I am sorry, I will apologize to her and place her in the library.”         

Picture Credits: target.com, ebay.ie, eu.clipdealer.com   

Embrace Kafunda Culture in Bars and Salons

There is, something embracing about kafunda culture. The conversations amongst its patrons are genuine and unadulterated. Customers who comprehend kafunda culture have nothing to show off. If they have, they have. If they don’t, they don’t. They are of course, very different from patrons who retreat to Serena, Sheraton and say Skyz Hotel after work and who, are the hollowest group of people one can come across. For them, it’s all about being seen and more importantly, being seen ‘to have’ yet, they don’t have. This group, when it’s time to get a haircut, they opt for some fancy salon where a cut costs 25k plus.

Is 25k Plus For A Haircut Not Sheer Madness?

Naturally and as you may have guessed, I don’t have time for a 25k plus haircut in some fancy salon because I don’t have. I make do with a salon behind the downtrodden kafunda that I frequent and where, Eddie charges me 5k and for that 5k, there is no difference between my cut and the 25k cut. Furthermore, Eddie’s salon relishes in kafunda culture because there’s always somebody walking in with the most witty and humorous accounts about their exploits.

Eddie Charges a Mere 5k For A Cut And Shave

On my last visit, Ssalongo walked in. I don’t know whether he is a real Ssalongo or it’s a nickname, but he exuded presence. His gruff voice reverberated round the salon and more importantly, he commanded presence – in that everybody in the salon hung on to every word he spewed out.

His first tale kicked off on a risqué note. It so happens he took Suitor to some discreet guest lodge in Bunga. After doing what he had to do and it was time to leave, Gateman declined to let them exit the carpark as he was acting on instructions from reception. By now, Ssalongo was a little miffed because he had paid for the room on arrival and they had not consumed any drinks or meals. So what could the problem be?

A Guest House

At reception, he’s duly informed he can’t leave until he’s paid a surcharge of 50k. “A surcharge of 50k” he obviously bellowed out, “for what?!?” Somber and trying to hide her embarrassment, Receptionist tells him it’s all to do with the mattress and it being ‘soaking wet’. Obviously, there is no need for me to explain further what Receptionist was getting at when she said ‘the mattress was soaking wet’ – or is there? Pausing for effect from the patrons including Eddie who had long stopped cutting my hair, he went on about how he didn’t have the 50k and had to make humiliating calls to friends to bail him out.

The next tale he gave was funny. He was dying for a pee, so he drove to Oryx gas station in Bunga only to find the toilets locked. Leaving Date in the ride, he darts across the road, finds some shrubbery and relieves himself. As he does, a KCCA rubbish collection officer on a stakeout to find who dumps rubbish in the middle of the night, springs out of nowhere and arrests him.

Oryx Petrol Station

Meanwhile, the rest of KCCA’s colleagues including a police officer are parked in a pickup at the same petrol station where Ssalongo’s car is. Being arrested for peeing by the roadside is embarrassing, but rather than being arrested, he proffered a 30k ‘gratuity’ which, KCCA Officer accepted. However, knowing his colleagues might be watching, KCCA Officer tells Ssalongo to shove him violently to the ground and make a run for it. That way, when his colleagues come to his aid, he would say: “I tried to arrest him but he pushed me and escaped.” However, it turns out that the real reason KCCA Officer imparted this shoving course of action, is not because his colleagues might turn him in for accepting a bribe, but rather, to avoid having to share it with them.     

Pictures: intracoafrica.com, oryxenergies.com, independent.co.ug, booking.com                

Why Do We Waste Sadolin Paint On Zebra Crossing's?

There is, something about Ugandan society. One half of us want to get wherever it is we are going like yesterday, and the other half want to get there in an indolent week or two.

When Waitress ambled over to us, there was no sense of urgency about her. She was going to amble over in her own time. She barely made an effort to lift up her feet as she walked. She dragged them - emitting a sound almost like maize being husked in a Kawempe two-bit mill. There was indication that dragging her feet was not anything she had recently learned, for the soles of her shoes – especially the heels were practically non-existent.

Waiters and Waitresses Undergoing Training

Kafunda culture dictates that there is no need to rush. It also dictates that if there is a wall present, Waitress must steer towards it and run her hand on it to wherever she’s going.

Meanwhile in town, people don’t walk with a sense of earnestness. Okay, tell a lie. Blue Collar Worker who lives in places like Namuwongo, Kyambogo and Naguru for example, who walk to work at 5:30am, stride with a determined purpose – thundering down the edge of the roads or the railway tracks at a terrifying speed - almost like wildebeest migrating from the Masai Mara down to the Serengeti Plains. But the rest are on a lazy stroll - holding hands, sharing headphone ear pieces while chortling at whatever they are watching, dragging their feet and moseying without any clear resolve. Sometimes, they just stop dead in their tracks that you end up bumping into them. Sometimes as you try to get past them, you find them weaving all over the place. They never tread a straight line.

People Walk To Work Along The Railway Line

Enter Peter Kaujju, spokesperson for KCCA. Towards the fall of June, Peter demonstrated how the pedestrian walk buttons that are being installed are supposed to work. Basically, at the traffic lights, if a pedestrian hits the button, in due course it changes the traffic lights from green to red thus allowing people to cross the road. These pedestrian walk buttons work perfectly well in Europe because people who drive, respect them as they do zebra crossings. In fact, motorists get fined for parking or stopping on zebra crossings, but here, you can park and block access to the zebra crossing without a care.

Are We Just Wasting Sadolin Paint on Zebra Crossings?

At Kampala Boulevard on Kampala Road, there is a zebra crossing linking it to the Post Office. But zebra crossings according to those who drive – from ministers in their chauffeur driven cars, boda riders, the ‘my cars’ and taxis, are to be ignored because they are in haste and don’t have time to stop and let people cross. You can have an entire nursery school waiting to cross, but not one motorist would stop. They will glance at the kids, wonder why they not in school and simply carry on without a care in the word because they have to get to wherever they are going in the shortest possible time.

On Kampala Road, Crossing From Kampala Boulevard To Post Office Is A Nightmare

Another zebra crossing that's never respected is on Acacia Avenue - crossing from Uganda Golf Club club house and across the road to the first tee. Golfers, golf bag carrying caddies, club officials and marshals, battle through the traffic to get across the road despite there being a clear zebra crossing and an attendant who, fervently waves a red flag to warn motorists of crossing golfers but to no avail.  

Despite A Zebra Crossing Outside The Main Gate Of Uganda Golf Club, No Motorist Observes It

Bodas mount the pavement because getting snarled up in traffic delays them. Taxi drivers undertake and also drive down the pavement or the part of the road that is the pedestrian walkway for two probable reasons. They are in hurry and as taxis, are ‘exempt’ from queuing up like the rest of us.

Without Police Help, Many School Kids Can't Cross The Road Even At A Zebra Crossing

As we draw to the end of the ramble, if we plucked the slow foot dragging Waitress from her kafunda in Wandegeya or Nakulabye, and plonked her outside the subway entrance on Wall Street in New York or at Liverpool Street Station in London during the morning rush hour, or at any zebra crossing, her head would gyro into the most uncontrolled spin. She would probably have multiple headaches, get a fever and go into cardiac arrest at the speed, pace and urgency at which people walk.    

Pictures: newvision.co.ug, kawowo.com, independent.co.ug, news.bbc.co.uk, btvet-uganda.org 

       

When The Old Man Calls For The Malwa Straw

The Straw. Old Man retired from the civil service – I think. I say I think, because he wears vests – you know the ones with the holes in them that look like fishermen’s nets? In his dialogues, when he talks about somebody, he never says, Timothy Bukumunhe as is the norm, but, Bukumunhe Timothy which, is indicative of a lengthy spell in the civil service.

M7: Uganda's Top Civil Servant

Old Man is blessed with seven children – six girls and a boy, the boy being the eldest. Over the years, the girls have bloomed from knee length sock wearing young girls with multitudes of pimples on their faces to the fine women that they are today. With Old Woman, they raised the girls well, gave them a good education and taught them exceptional lady becoming manners.

Since retirement, Old Man sits on his verandah - soaking up the breeze, watching the leaves from the acacia tree fluster to the ground and occasionally, calling Old Woman to pick up an avocado that has ripened and fallen to the ground. All this he does while sipping malwa which, Old Woman has diligently prepared with pride.

The Malwa Pot

With the children having come of age and moved out, they have, especially the girls, formed alliances with suitors who want to walk them down the aisle. With that intention, there therefore is a need for Suitor to meet Old Man and Old Woman and present credentials amongst other things.

But before we get there, there is a need to understand the significance of The Straw in Old Man’s household. The Straw takes center stage. It’s the malwa straw. It’s sacred and it holds the home together. On the very rare occasion Old Man calls out to his wife asking her to bring a straw for Suitor who has visited, it’s something not to be taken lightly but, with more than a degree of pride and honour. It means he has embraced and accepted you into his home as a genuine friend and one who is more than apt enough to marry Daughter.

Straws In A Malwa Pot

When Eldest Daughter took Suitor home, Old Man was on the verandah with his malwa pot. While Suitor spoke to Old Man – a conversation riddled with voluminous awkward silences, he called out to Old Woman: “Bring tea for our visitor.” With that, Eldest Daughter knew Suitor was not embraced. Regardless, she still married Suitor against Old Man’s wishes. But five years later, all Suitor gets when he takes the kids to visit, is tea but never the coveted prize – The Straw.

Men Partaking Of Malwa

When time came for TB (not me) to make the trip to Old Man’s house in Najjera, he was, already aware of The Straw. He found Old Man picking up avocado and before he could say his helloes, Old Man asked if he knew how many species of avocado there were in the world and where the name avocado derives from. Obviously, Old Man knew TB was no food scientist to know the answers, and that he was a mere PR manager for an energy company.

Resuming his malwa as they talked, he called out to Old Woman: “Bring a beer for our guest.” That sinking feeling crept in. Once the beer was polished off, Old Man again called her, but this time: “Bring the straw with the blue tip - you know the one I keep in the cabinet?” And when Old Man presented TB with The Straw, Old Woman pulled a chair, sat between Old Man and Daughter, clutched both their hands tightly and let out a huge sigh of relief that a wedding is in the making.

Old Man has one daughter who is still single. There is a reason for that. She shares her father’s deepest sentiments about The Straw. Hmm, I expect she will remain single for a while to come.  

PICTURE CREDITS: monitor.co.ug, ugpulse.com, newvision.co.ug