Has Your Kids Birthday Party, Kwanjula, Graduation Party Met The Provisions Of The Public Order Management Act?

Like most of you out there, until last week, I had never heard of the Public Order Management Act (POMA), probably because we are not politicians, lawmakers or work in law enforcement. The POMA reads something along these lines: “The POMA does not regard a gathering at home as a place subject to POMA unless, that meeting spills over into a public place.” For example, section 4 (3A and 3B) states: “For the avoidance of doubt, a public meeting convened by a group, body… at the ordinary place of business….or any other place which is not a public place, is not a public meeting unless the meeting spills over into a public place.”

Then there is a man called Fred, Fred Enanga, who slogs for Uganda Police as their spokesperson. I do feel for Fred because he has the most unenviable job in the land – having to explain to an irate public why the police did what they did - why they arrested so and so, used excessive force and act with impunity.

Does Police Spokesperson, Fred Enanga Have The Worst Job In The Land?

It was also his brief to tell us that police headquarters had dispensed directives to its commanders countrywide that effective January 6^th, all people holding meetings of public interest in their homes without obtaining police permission will be arrested for breaking the law. He said: “When you have a public gathering at your home, it is supposed to meet the provisions of the POMA and we shall come and police the event.”

Most people who host gatherings at their homes host not for political reasons but, for – children’s birthday and graduation parties, kwanjulas and so forth. And somewhere through the function, the men will break off, grab their plastic chairs and form circles around a couple of crates of beer and a bottle or two of Jameson or Black Label and discuss a wide range of topics from cars to women but more importantly, what Enanga termed as “meetings of public interest” – and in this case, what is happening in the politics of Uganda. If I have understood Enanga correctly, once a circle forms and politics which, is something of public interest is discussed, police can swoop in with tear gas, dogs and water cannons to disperse the ‘political’ gathering including the toddlers in diapers who had turned up to attend little Martha’s 2^nd birthday party.

Was This Explanation A Cover-Up Of The POMA?

Next weekend, I am planning a pork fest for my boys and to err on the side of caution, I took myself to the police station in my hood to seek permission. The conversation with Fat Cop broke along these lines.

TB: “It’s a party to celebrate pork.”

Fat Cop: “Are you are asking for police to come and guard cars?”

TB: “No. I have come to get a POMA permit.”

Fat Cop: “You are having a political gathering?”

TB: “No. A pork fest.”

Fat Cop: “A pork fest – what is that?”

TB: “A party to celebrate pork but I also need a POMA because we shall also discuss matters of public interest.”

Fat Cop: “What will you be discussing?”

TB: “Trump, Iran, Iraq, M7, Bobbi Wine, KCCA, Rwanda, Louis Kasekende and BoU…”

Fat Cop: “Ha, for that you need to go to Naguru.”

With that, she turned to castigate a handcuffed Mukasa – “But naye you Mukasa, again they have picked you…..”             

Make Sure You Get Police Permission Before You Throw Your Kid A P7 Results Or Graduation Party 

But wait up. There might be more to the implementation of the POMA than meets the eye. It might have nothing to do with cracking down on political gatherings but, and wait for it, wait for it, something to do with toilets for amusingly enough, another reason for the POMA as Fred put it: – “it’s important to notify police because people could be 700 yet, the home only has one toilet which can cause problems.”

Bambi, bless Uganda Police and their concerns for our toilet welfare! 

Pictures: New Vision, Daily Monitor  

2020 - The Year We All Get Rich And Don't Have To Work

It’s been 12 days since 2019 faded into the abyss and the realization that it will be another 12 months to go before we get to see another Christmas kicks in. Some sadly didn’t make it into the New Year because they were on their death beds at Mulago, knocked over trying to be suicidal by attempting to cross Entebbe Express Highway or got shot dead by police. Many went into 2020 with resolutions that will get broken way before January is over while, Money Lender will be on a roll as traditionally, January is bad month financially for many.

As we contemplate what 2020 might be like, I thought of a friend - Ms. Jemima Nagundi who, is the self-appointed president of The Public Holidays Association of Uganda. Just in case she doesn’t already know, we have fifteen public holidays next year of which, eight of them will go to waste because they fall on either Saturday or Sunday. The holidays that make sense because they afford us a long weekend are - Good Friday because it obviously falls on Friday, Easter Monday because and again, it falls on Monday, Labour Day (Friday) and Independence Day also on Friday. However, there is a chance of getting extra public holidays if God decides to ‘call’ somebody who is very prominent to go and be by his side.

The Vivacious Jemima Nagundi - President of The Public Holidays Association of Uganda

Obviously, I too have some resolutions to make. The two most obvious ones are giving up on the fags and booze as well as reducing my salt intake. I could also do with putting on a little weight seeing that there is now a KFC outlet three minutes’ walk away from the office. But I might cheat on the booze and fags which, neatly reminds me of a story of the controversial former MP, Ken ‘The Man’ Lukyamuzi.

John 'The Man' Lukyamuzi

If I recall, he wowed to go on a hunger strike over something to do with the wetlands where Garden City sits. However, hours before he started the strike, he was smoked out in a restaurant having a more than a meal of a meal – presumably, to get him through the two weeks he was supposed to strike. But the strike crumbled almost as soon as it started because the following day he was spotted having breakfast.    

Meanwhile, scrawling the web for 2020 predictions, this is what I found.

Nobody Will Work And Everybody Will Be Rich

In 1966, Time magazine in an essay called The Futurists, they predicted that “machines will be producing so much that everyone in the U.S. will, in effect, be independently wealthy.” Without even lifting a finger, the average non-working family could expect to earn an average salary of between $30,000 and $40,000, according to Time. That's in 1966 dollars, mind you; in 2020, that'd be about $300,000—for doing nothing. 

When Will We All Be Rich?

Women Will Be Built Like Wrestlers

In 1950, Associated Press writer Dorothy Roe revealed some shocking predictions of what life on earth would be like in the 21st century, according to Smithsonian magazine. Among her more head-scratching forecasts were that the women of tomorrow would be “more than six feet tall’ and would ‘wear a size 11 shoe, have shoulders like a wrestler, and muscles like a truck driver.”

Women Will Have Bodies Like This

We'll Wear Antenna Hats And Disposable Socks

For a 1939 issue of British Vogue, product designer Gilbert Rhode was asked what he believed people in the 21st century would be wearing. He imagined that, by 2020, we would have banished buttons, pockets, collars, and ties, and that men would revolt against shaving. “His hat will be an antenna, snatching radio out of the ether. His socks - disposable. His suit minus tie, collar, and buttons.”

Antenna Hats?

Pictures: Jemimah Nalumansi, africatembelea.com, blog.allpsych.com, gilfer.com, abc.net.au 

Just Who Do The Ba-summer Think They Are?

Thinking out loud, do any of you remember the first words you said after the stroke of midnight as 2020 came into play and after shouting out: “Happy New Year?” I can’t remember either, but probably something along the lines of needing a drink.

Anyway, we are four days into 2020 and the glitz and euphoria of the Christmas vacation has all but worn off except, for the need to reprimand the Ba-Summer for their behavior.

Live, Love Thy Bushenyi Accent

Okay, so you went to Boston in 1987, your English has not improved and more importantly, the Bushenyi accent is still as thick as that of the herdsman you left behind. It’s okay. We are not going to castigate you after all, you are not a Bostonanian – an American, but one of us, a Ugandan albeit from Bushenyi. Live and love thy Bushenyi accent. Come back and show us that no matter how many years you have been living in the Diaspora, Bushenyi is home, and the accent shall always prevail. After all, how will Nyakwenkuru (grandmother) and Shwenkuru (grandfather), understand you if the flowing flair of the Bushenyi accent has been replaced by a troubled American accent.   

Mbu, I Can’t Remember Much of Ug

Simeon is not close to me but more of a fringe friend. Simeon left these shores in April last year. Prior to that, the closest he had gotten to going abroad, was seeing off relatives at Entebbe airport. So he calls me to go for a drink and I suggest one of our haunts – Soya in Bunga. And his response? “Soya, where is that?” Really! So I remind him of Mbabazi’s and he still feigns ignorance. Two days later, his amnesia has gone. He now remembers Mbabazi’s and we meet up on Saturday – “my treat” he emphasizes when the bill is presented and swiftly, he pulls out a Santander Bank visa card and gives it to Waitress. I should have slapped him straightaway and told him to do away with his nonsense. Jeez, he’s only been away for eight months and all of a sudden he can’t remember where Soya is and that Mbabazi’s is a kafunda and only deals in cash and is a million years away from accepting visa payments?!? I really ought to have flogged the kajanja out him.

OMG, You Have KFC and Pizza Hut!

You in the Diaspora who left a ‘dead’ Uganda when you fled during the troubles of the 80s, Uganda is not dead anymore. We are up and running. Okay, so we have potholes – just like you do in London. We have street beggars – just like you do in Dallas. We have riots – just like you do in New York. And YES, we also have KFC and Pizza Hut - just like you have in London, Dallas, New York and wherever. Next time you fly in, please spare us the: “OMG, you guys also have KFC” crap… Just to bring you up to speed, we also have a national airline, a Forbes magazine certified billionaire in Sudhir Ruparelia, Sheraton Hotel, Apple and Adidas Shops, ABSA Bank, sit down toilets that flush water, hotels with infinity pools… Mudangamu or should I continue?     

 

We Are Entitled

The Ba-summer feel that they are entitled and are above the rest of us. They feel that when they go out, they deserve to be served first because they are busy and have so many people to go and visit. They sneer when they don’t get their way and with scorn they say: “I can’t deal with Ugandans.”

Conclusion  

Ba-summer, if this December you come back feeling all haughty, haughty just because you live abroad, just know you are no better than any of us. Uganda is home regardless of if you come to visit or to sleep forever six foot under. 


Pictures: volunteertherealuganda.com, teepublic.com, monitor.co.ug, netclipart.com