Is Easter A Fable From Deep Down Cuckoo Land?

Let’s delve into today’s ramble with a fable that’s from deep inside cuckoo land. “Many years ago one early Sunday morning and after Jesus’ Good Friday crucifixion, several of his women followers went to his tomb only to find the heavy stone blocking the entrance had been removed, the tomb empty with the grave clothes left behind. They were told by two dazzling angels (by the way, no one knows how they got there): “He is not here, he has risen, come see the place where he lay.” Later that day, Jesus appeared (out of the blue I might add) to the apostles and allowed them to examine his body with its wounds, assuring them it was him, and that he had been raised from the dead.”

 

He 'Rose' And Left Behind His Burial Robes

Hmm, you see what I mean when I say a story from deep cuckoo land?

It’s Easter Sunday today and Christian is aggravated. At just about every street corner, he’s there doing some vexed street preaching. He stands for hours-on-end in the scorching sun, inhaling the dust off Kampala’s streets - a tattered bible in one hand, while belting out words that don’t make sense at all to those who fleet pass him – and I suspect even to himself. I don’t know why his preaching always comes across as being aggravated – perhaps he didn’t get ‘some’ the previous night, or his kid was caught stealing and has been locked up – or perhaps, Landlord is giving him sleepless nights over unpaid rent. But whatever the case may be, he is just never happy. He doesn’t preach in a soft voice akin to that of Joyce Meyer or perhaps that of Jesus before he (Jesus), got lynched.    

 

The Street Preacher: Always Vexed and Angry

There are a number of things that I don’t click about Christian for he has become fairly good at focusing on the moral failings of others while ignoring his own. They pretend that the worst sin you can commit is sexual but, so does gossip, divisiveness and quarreling—sins that Christian routinely flouts - because he commits them and also steals – even whilst in church, then walks out half-an-hour later flossing about his religious values yet, he’s walked off with a phone that does not belong to him.

  

In Church, Look Out For The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing Pretending To Be Holier Than Thou As He Steals Your Phone While You Pray 

He also ignores Paul’s injunction to stop judging non-Christians and like Jesus is supposed to have said, “I didn’t come into the world to judge it, but to save it.” Like today for example, all those wearing their Sunday best will look down on the rest of us in our tattered old T-shirts and torn jeans because it will be clearly obvious that we didn’t go to church – and they did. And so what?!

They gossip, they talk about other people rather than to people. They avoid conflict or they run into it like a bulldozer claiming they are all about truth. They want to appear that they are in the know and that they have first-hand information yet, they know nothing - they weren’t even there.

 

Christians Love Gossip

I think a general rule that Christian forgets, is if they can’t imagine saying it in real life to a person, then they shouldn’t be saying it all. And the same applies to those who are always angry or cynical that all they do is to whine to whoever listens that you think: “I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that in real life.”

Another thing about Christian, is that they are toxic, cynical and don’t live in the real world. Given the chance, Christian will jump on any platform they are given – including social media, or standing at the street junction to show the world their weirdness that I just see them as being out-of-touch and fraudsters.

But don’t get irate and come looking to shoot me – I’m just saying it as it is. 

Photo Credit: standstrongministries.org; kfm.co.ug; catholicsandcultures.org; yellowpages.uganda.com

Does Your Wedding Budget Also Include The Brides Knickers?

Once a year, The Man With The Briefcase - Matia Kasaija that is, who am told is our minister of finance, takes center stage. Like a strutting male peacock at Uganda Wildlife Educational Centre in Entebbe fanning out its feather when it sees a suitable mate, Kasaija holds out a briefcase – usually on the steps of parliament for all to see. Of course, there is a media frenzy as pictures are taken for the front pages of the newspapers for in that briefcase, there is something called The National Budget.

And for the next couple of hours at the podium, in a monotone voice, Kasaija will tell us his reasons for increasing taxes on say sugar, fuel and airtime. But budget reading is not for the sole preserve of Kasaija. At kwanjula’s and wedding meetings, all those who attend, listen keenly as Chairman reads out the budget. By the way, can I transgress a tad? There are now fundraising meetings for The Kid passing his or hers S4 and S6 exams, graduating from campus and soon we will having them for when The Kid graduates from nursery school into P1! 

Matia Kasaija - The Man With The National Budget

Getting back, the last wedding meeting I attended was a couple of years ago. Let’s call him Daniel Musoke for sake of it. Daniel was intent on marrying Susan – especially since they had been living together for a number of years and have two children between them.

When Chairman presented the budget at the first wedding meeting, it was a rather lengthy one that traversed the best part of four pages. Quickly scrawling through it, there were the usual wedding requirements – cars, reception food and drink, photography and so on. But sitting back and analyzing it with more scrutiny, there was something amiss.

The first two sections of the budget were dedicated to the needs of Bride and Groom that, included everything from suits, haircuts, wedding dress for Bride and whatever else that was required to make her oomph on the day.

Should we Be Paying for The Brides Lingerie? 

But it was item number 6 that really perturbed. It was listed as, and wait for it, wait for it: “knickers and bra for Bride” – along with an estimated cost of sh130k or so if I can properly recall. It bothered because knickers and bra for Bride are something private and should not have been listed on the budget at all. I mean, why would Daniel want everybody to know that Bride will be wearing underwear of 130k on the day of the wedding?

Another thing that disturbed, if Daniel couldn’t afford to buy Susan knickers and bras, and instead resorted begging at a wedding meeting for his friends to bail him out, what does that say about him? But worse, as Chairman read out the budget, and it came to that item, I glanced up at Susan and she didn’t seem to be bothered at all – almost like it was normal.

Surely The Bride Should Buy Her Own Shoes, Gomesi & Changing Dress

As the meeting wore on, Chairman invited us to contribute and pledge where we saw fit and in a flash, my hand shot up. “Yes TB, you want to make a contribution or you have a suggestion to make” he asked. With that, I rose to my feet and without any thought, I said something along the lines of: “Mr. Chairman, having looked at the budget, all items are pertinent to making the wedding a success. I also think the most important thing we have to consider, is the issue of Bride’s underwear. It would be most unfortunate if on the day, she turned up at her wedding minus those items. Therefore I pledge to pay for them”

There was more than a ripple of laughter along with snide comments of: “Mr. Chairman, does TB intend to be there when Bride is dressing up just to make sure she’s wearing the underwear he bought?” 

Pictures: New Vision, ugandaweddingsmoments.blogspot.com   

Are Burna Boy and Elephant Man A Menace To Uganda's Teen Society?

In 2011 if memory serves me right, O’Neal Bryan breezed into town with an entourage that included a manager and others. Except, that when he flew in, we didn’t know him as O’Neal Bryan but as Elephant Man, a Jamaican dancehall musician and singer. He was in town to perform at Club Silk’s Street Jam.

O'Neal Bryan - Aka Elephant Man

 I had never heard of Elephant nor had I listened to any of his music but I did attend the concert – not because I wanted to, but to help out as I always did at the jam since its inception. Backstage and hospitality was where I worked with Alan Ntanda.

When the larger than life Elephant walked into his VIP tent – a tent that had been kitted out with everything from mobile air-con units, an impressive buffet spread, drinks - Singleton, JW Blue, Jameson and all, he (Elephant)  took the ‘come-to-daddy for a spanking’ cream sofa while his aides scurried around him.

Drinks poured and Elephant settled, it was time to break out the toilet bag for a pre-smoke before going on stage. Okay, so I’ve been to a couple of places and seen Rasta spark up a ganja joint, but theirs were weenies compared to what Elephant rolled up. His looked more like an exhaust pipe of a Mercedes Benz G-63 Wagon. As he exhaled, in no time and despite the air-con running at full blast, it was not the place to be – if you get my drift...

By the time Elephant and Co took to the stage, they were high – ‘floating’ that what they did on stage – short of being something out of Kamasutra, was alarming and frightening. They plucked Hapless Teen Girl – still in her S3 school braces and stimulated sex with her on stage.

 

Elephant Man Has A Way With The Ladies On Stage

Elephant’s followers, were mostly Teen Girl screaming their pre-pubescent love out to him. As his performance drew to a close, Manager pulled at my arm and his gruff voice was to the point. “We need some backstage entertainment for Elephant.” With that, he scoured the front row picking out half a dozen young girls and took them into the VIP tent. To say Elephant was more than delighted by what Manager had set up, was an understatement.

No need to tell you what went on is there…?         

A few weeks ago, Damini Ogulu was in town – except and like O’Neal Bryan did by jetting in as Elephant Man, Ogulu breezed in as Burna Boy. Burna, so Daughter told me, is a Nigerian Afro-fusion singer who rose to prominence in 2012 after releasing the lead single – ‘Like to Party’.

 

Damini Ogulu Aka Burna Boy

Burna took his gig to Sheraton, and just like at Elephant’s gig, earsplitting hordes of Teen Girl were out in force – out doing those who attended Elephant’s do. First of all, they turned up ‘naked’ in that they wore barely visible clothes. As for the money that mummy and daddy had splashed on them for drinks, an Uber back home and emergency cash, muzinga’s of Coconut Ug Wa were the order of the night that some of them didn’t get to see Burna perform – let alone, make it through the first five minutes of the opening acts for they had passed out somewhere in the gardens and abandoned by their friends.

Is Burna Boy A Menace To Uganda's Teen Society?

But the real horror came when Barely 20-Year-Old-Boy whipped out a bag of pills – ecstasy so he tells me: “For 40k, just pop a couple of them in her drink and she will be too high to know what she’s doing.” If that wasn’t bad enough, just round the corner, a group of teens were doing the ‘lines’. Snorting lines of cocaine off their Samsung S10+ and Apple iPhone XS phones.

Parent, you might just want to pay more attention when Teen goes out at night because it ain’t to the movies.       

Pictures: madroad.com, Daily Monitor, Halleluja, nairobinews.nationco.ke

      

Do We Have To Recognize Everybody At A Function?

Just how important do you have to be, to be recognized at a function? Do you have to be a minster, have a Dr. title, be an ambassador or can being a mere plebe like most of us are, suffice?

  

Did M7 Ask Each Delegate To Stand Up For Recognition?

By the way, the last time I recall being a delegate at a conference was at Speke Resort some years ago. It was a conference that The Man With The Hat – M7 that is, for those of you not in the know, graced. For some reason, his opening comments were about the Chinese. He said: “The Chinese have small eyes because where they live is so closed that their eyes are always half closed.” The quote has nothing to do with today’s tale, but I merely threw it in because I felt the introduction was wanting.

Do The Chinese Really Have Small Eyes?

At the same conference, there were a number of delegates from abroad including an American Senator. Seeing it was a conference that had weight, everybody who rose to speak had a couple of things in common – especially the need to introduce everybody. To bring you squarely into the picture, this is what First Speaker opened up with.

“Your Excellency, President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Mrs. Janet Museveni who is the patron of the association, Mrs. Maria Mtagamba, honorable minister of wildlife, tourism and antiquities, the Senator from New York, the delegates from America, Nigeria, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi, North America, our partners Brussels Airlines, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the Government of Uganda…” the list went on. At one point we thought First Speaker was going to mention everybody in the hall for his intro went on for 4:17 minutes.

I know because I was timing First Speaker.

Seeing that First Speaker had established and recognized everybody who was important, when Second Speaker took to the podium, this is what was said:

“Your Excellency, President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Mrs. Janet Museveni who is the patron of the association, Mrs Maria Mtagamba, the honorable minister of wildlife, tourism and Antiquities, the Senator from New York, the delegates from America, Nigeria, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi, North America, our partners Brussels Airlines, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the Government of Uganda…” well along those lines but with a little variation here and there. It took him a little over 5 minutes to get through that ramble.

Third Speaker clocked in at just over four minutes as did the fourth.

Did He Introduce Everybody

If the greetings were not impressive enough, all speakers felt that they had to end with a “thank you” note. This was First Speaker.

“I would like to thank his Excellency President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda for agreeing to come and open this conference, the minister of tourism and wildlife, Brussels Airlines  - where are you, could you please stand up for recognition, the head of Uganda Chamber of Commerce Mrs. …. please stand up for recognition, Pastor…….. please stand up for recognition. Time spent? 3:20 minutes.

Second Speaker also felt it obligatory to spend 2:42 minutes saying: “I would like to thank his Excellency President Yoweri Museveni, President of the Republic of Uganda, Speke Resort Munyonyo, the minister of tourism and wildlife, Uganda Tourist Board…..” And so on it went with the third and fourth speakers.

Moving on, at a recent wedding reception MC, and after introducing himself felt he would be doing guests a great disservice if he did not introduce his wife as well as asking her to stand up for recognition. Really?!?

Is It Right To Introduce your Wife If You Are The MC At A Wedding?

Honestly speaking, do we really need to greet everybody just because we perceive them as being important? And how do we define who is important and who is not? Why can’t we simply leave it at: “His Excellency President Museveni, The First Lady, Mrs. Museveni, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen?” 

Pictures: kfm.co.ug, chicamod.com, muzungubloguganda.com, tapatalk.com, theagentsofchange.com   

Do You Have Plan A, B, C, or D That Works?

Do you have a Plan A, B, C or D that works? There was an epoch when many presumed that a stint in the local police station is a preserve for Local Goon, Hooker and Petty Thief. That, was until they, – the police that is, started throwing White Collar type into cells when caught driving under the influence of alcohol.

Do You Have A Plan A, B, C and D?

In a bid to escape a weekend sojourn in the coolers, some decided to stay in the bar drinking until the following morning. Others, drank just round the corner from their homes. A few made sure they had bribe money at hand, while those who thought themselves as being brave enough to run the gauntlet did so. Let’s concentrate ourselves on Timothy (surname withheld), who ran the gauntlet because thought he had a Plan A, B, C and D.

Tim was in the know that a breathalyzer unit had deployed just outside Kabalagala police station. Seeing he was in Gaba and that he was heading back home to Ntinda, he sought to use the Kitalanga road – you know the winding backroad that takes you past Godfrey Kirumira’s cirb, Heritage International School and right up to the quarry in Muyenga? Except, that he was blazed and missed the turning.

But blazed drivers always have a Plan B and Timothy had one too. He would turn off at the next turning – Kiwafu Road which, would take him past Peter Kagwa’s Events Warehouse and eventually on to the quarry. Except, that he was blazed and missed that turning too.

Kiwafu Road Snakes Past Peter Kagwa's Events Warehouse

But blazed drivers always have a Plan C and Timothy had one too. He would turn off at the next turning – you know the murram road just before Kabalagala police station that takes you up the hill and connects you with the road that goes to Hotel Diplomate? Except, he was blazed and also missed that turning.

The Emergency Road - Diplomate Road, Links Muyenga To Gaggba Road

But blazed drivers always have a Plan D. He would turn off at the next turning – you know the one that leads you straight into the parking yard of Kabalagala Police Station, comfortably park his ride, walk into the station and ask to see OC. Except, that he was blazed but wait for it, wait for it - this time the Plan worked! 

So into the station he took his blazed self and demanded to see OC. When OC presented himself, Timothy duly asked him if his friend – let’s call him Julio for the sake of it, had been arrested and was being detained. Of course Julio hadn’t been arrested, but it was part of Plan D. After OC checking though the arrest book and seeing no Julio, Timothy duly informed OC that he (Timothy) would go and check at Katwe Police Station.

Kabalagala Police Station

Except, and unknown to Timothy, Plan D had already started to unravel. Taking his staggering and very blazed self back to his car, he tried to drive out - and here creeps in that word again – ‘except’, that strewn across the entrance at the Quarter Guard were spikes. Those who have driven into a police station carpark, will know that driving in is far easier than driving out.

As he tried to explain to Quarter Guard that he had been meeting with OC, Quarter Guard simply ignored him and shouted out to Affande who, was in charge of the breathalyzer road block just down the road: “Affande, affande, this one has made your job easy – he has brought himself to be arrested.”

With that, Quarter Guard had the car taken back and parked properly with Timothy being presented to OC and his name duly entered into the arrest log.

This time there was no Plan E – except, ruminate on how long a night its going be stuck in a cramped cell with Mitayimbwa Goon, Goat Rapist and Child Molester. 

Pictures: youngachievers.ug, booking.com, foursquares.com, canstockphoto.com

            

Man Eating Where He Worketh!

In today’s Uganda, it’s not just about the monthly salary. You simply have to ‘eat where you worketh’. Fringe benefits or perks of the job, actually mean something along the lines of company car, house, bonuses and free education for the children which, a company bestows on some of its top executives – well at least that is what we think.

In reality, it does not work that way. Executive has forgone waiting for the end of the financial year to get his bonus, and as a result has resorted to kick-backs, side deals, back handers and generally siphoning off money from the accounts they control for their private use.

Back in the day, for Graduate, the dream job was to land a job with Uganda Revenue Authority and preferably get posted to one of the border crossings or Entebbe Airport. There, the fringe benefits come in almost on a daily by making his cut off every container that crossed into Uganda. Some of them made huge sums of money that they actually forgot about end-of-month payday.

 

URA Was The Place To Work To Get Rich Fast

The tale is told of Official who used to work in the office of the Prime Minister on some projects upcountry. It is said that when Ministry of Finance released the money for the said projects, it was supposed to be paid in the project account. Instead, it was paid into Official’s personal account from which, he would dole out the money. Apart from distributing some money to the bona fide projects, a large chunk of it would also be dispersed to his personal projects like the block of flats he built on Entebbe road, a couple of houses in Ntinda and a student’s hostel. Incredibly enough, nobody saw this as being odd – money being paid into a personal account rather than that of the said project.

 

Damien Akankwasa Was Into Home Banking

Remember how former National Forestry Authority executive director Damien Akankwasa shot to fame in 2009? It’s not because he planted eucalyptus trees all over the county, but because of his wife -Juliet Katusiime. Well Julie, decided to steal hubby’s dime – not dime that was in the bank, but dime that was hidden somewhere under the bed in their matrimonial bedroom. And wait for it, wait for – it wasn’t just a ka-40k or a ka-250k but, a staggering Sh900 million!

 

Did Julie Akankwasa Steal Or Merely help Herself To Her Share Of The Loot

To the best of my knowledge, the job description of the Principal Accountant in the Office of the Prime Minister in part reads as follows: ‘To be responsible for providing guidance and technical support to OPM on proper management and accountability for the financial resources of the OPM in accordance with the established financial laws.’

Except that when Geoffrey Kazinda was principal accountant at OPM, he added his own brief to the job description - that of man eating where he worketh. Come 2017, the IGG accused him of amassing wealth estimated at sh4.6bn and living a luxury lifestyle which was not commensurate with his income as a civil servant and off to Luzira he went.

 

Geoffrey Luzinda

Enter Private Bright Turyatunga of the Special Forces Command.  A couple of weeks ago, Bright in his wisdom as an operative of SFC and an ISO informant, also sought to eat where he worketh. With insider information, he and his buddies trailed a GS4 bullion van carrying some sh2.4bn from Mukono to Kampala and somewhere in Kyambogo, they ambushed it. Except, that like Official in the office of The Prime Minister, Kazinda and Akankwasa, he got caught. Well tell a lie, in an ensuing shootout, he was shot dead.    

 

Bright Turyatunga Put His Special Forces Skills To Good Use 

One thing that Official, Akankwasa, Kazinda and Turyatunga all had in common apart from pilfering, was that they didn’t just take a slice. They took more than that – enough to make it worth their while doing a stint in Luzira or ending up in a coffin if they got caught. 

Photos: Uganda Revenue Authority, Weekly Observer, Eagle.co.ug, Daily Monitor.

Has Matayo Kyaligonza Finally Earned Bad Boy Bragging Rights?

We all want the accolades of have bragging rights – be it in music, industry, politics and the army. But is it time the authorities culled those rights especially from the army and give them a long overdue spanking?

When Kyadondo East MP, Robert Kyagulanyi was still Bobi Wine, he earned his bragging rights after a number of feuds and brawls with Bebe Cool and Jose Chameleon. Graduating to politics, it was thought that a seat in that ‘honourable house’ on Parliament Avenue would sedate him. It didn’t. No sooner had the swearing-in Bible been put away, than he stood on the dispatch table and traded blows with members of the opposition. But, Kyagulanyi’s bragging rights pale into insignificance when it comes to those who have a military background.

Kyadondo East MP, Robert Kyagulani

Take Presidential Advisor Kakooza Mutale who from as early as 2003 through to 2017 had exclusive bad boy bragging rights. On a daily, there were stories of communities being roughed up by him and his men. And one journalist friend who had the misfortune to interview him in his Bombo Road office, gave this narration of Kakooza at his best.

“I poised a question, he answered it with a very affirmative – "no it can’t happen’”. So Journalist Friend leaned forward probing and seeking to know why it can’t happen. Once again, Kakooza was to the point with his answer – “because of him in the corner”. When Journalist Friend looked towards the corner Mutale was aiming at, there was an AK-47 propped up against the wall. He got the message and swiftly fled his office.      

Kakooza Mutale

Ivan Oduka, in a 2012 article on Kasirye Gwanga talks about being on a boda on his way to interview him (Gwanga) with Boda Rider wondering: “Naye gwe eyo empologoma mwogela ki naye (what do you talk about with that lion?). I wonder why people suffer with suicide; just go to his farm and before you know, he has shot you.”

Gwanga’s has carefully nurtured his bragging rights. He stormed a church near his home in Makyinde and let off a couple of rounds because the singing disturbed his sleep. In August 2017, over a land dispute, he again fired off a few rounds, then set fire to a grader/earthmover worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

And just last month, out came his pistol once again when he shot out the wheels on Catharine Kusasira’s – a local artiste’s car. Said Gwanga: “The singer’s husband had insulted my son while the singer insulted and undermined me.” A justifiable reason to start shooting?    

Kasirye Gwanga - His AK47 Always Has The Answer

Of course, this Sunday ramble would not be complete a mention of Kahinda Otafiire who, once roughed up a photo-journalist who had taken a picture of him after his car ran into a trench. But that stunt is not what secured his bad boy bragging rights. Rather, he got the gold medal in 1989, when pulled out his pistol on the late Jennifer Kutesa after a public spat at Fairway Hotel.

Kahinda Otafiire - Pulled A Pistol On The Jennifer Kutesa 

Enter Maj. Gen. Matayo Kyaligonza, our ambassador to Burundi. Some days ago, his Military Police Unit bodyguards were arrested for assaulting a traffic officer - Sergeant Esther Namaganda who, had stopped them from making a U-turn in the middle of the road. When she did, two military police officers and Kyaligonza pounced on her, grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and assaulted her. While, Kyaligonza did not appear to take part in the assault, he did nothing to stop his dogs from assaulting Namaganda.

Matayo Kyaligonza Looks On As the Scuffle Ensues 

As we draw the ramble to a close, some people are remorseful about having earned bragging rights like Otafiire who with much surprise, resigned his Internal Affairs ministry post after the Kutesa incident. But of course, we don’t expect Kyaligonza to man-up, accept responsibility, show some repentance and resign his ambassadorial post - do we? 

Kyaligonza - A Real Bad Boy?

Pictures: The Observer, Galaxy FM, Eagle. co. ug