Friday, December 22, 2017

Christmas Eve - The Calm Before The Storm!

It’s Christmas Eve – otherwise known as ‘the calm before the storm’ because we’ve yet to grasp the concept of forward planning. We like doing last minute things - doing the back-to-school shopping for the sprogs on the actual day they are due back in school or buying movie tickets five minutes after its already started. We leave things till the end nigh – for shopping in peace and walking to the till to find no que, is something we find more than a tad boring. Rather, we like kavuyo shopping - the prospect of being pickpocketed, the mayhem of filling two shopping trolleys and nonchalantly jumping the que at the checkout counter or tripping over the side streets while looking for that last minute bargain.  

Right now, in every garage, Mechanic is busy as he services the 4x4 ride of Impatient Client who left it till the last minute. And with each ride that drives in, they insist Mechanic abandons the 4x4 he’s working on and tend to theirs. You see, they all have homes in the districts and its imperative they leave town before the buses, taxis and those who don’t have 4X4s clog up the roads.

Mechanics At Work On A Range Rover
While the men deal with Mechanic, the two types of late shopper women have made a frantic dash to the market. The first, won’t leave her Toyota Ipsum because she is Remote Control Shopper. She sits in the ride and Market Trader brings everything to her. In her bag she has a variety of envelopes – each stuffed with cash. The brown envelope is kyalo spending money. The white one, salon money while the Christmas card sized envelope has ‘miscellaneous money’ – whatever that means. On the other hand, Hands On Shopper is a bumbling ditherer! Let’s put it this way. Once Orange Seller has emptied the ddebe (tin) of oranges into her kikapu, she wonders if it would have been cheaper buying them on the way - in Namawojolo or on the outskirts of her kyalo in Kamuli.

Shoppers Browsing Through The Market
A brief call to Kyalo Relative and she’s mortified - like she’s just been told the most devastating news, upon which she unleashes her wrath on Orange Seller - telling him she no longer wants his oranges. The ‘devastating news’ Kyalo Relative imparted, was that a ddebe of oranges in kyalo is a mere sh600 cheaper than in Kampala. Hmm!

After lunch, the 4x4s set off and all at once. They want to be the first to arrive at Namawojolo or Mbizzi Nya markets or at the restaurant next to Total petrol station in Nyendo on the outskirts of Masaka. At Namawojolo and Mbizzi Nya, they buy everything that’s cooked and ready to pack – gonja, chicken, roast liver, goat meat. Meanwhile at Total Nyendo, it’s a case of counting the mpenkoni’s racing to Ntungamo, Kashari, Bushenyi, Kashenshero and beyond.

At Mbizzi Nya And Namawojolo Markets, They Want to Buy Everything
Along the way, Landcruiser VX Driver wants to overtake every car - even when its next to impossible to overtake. However, Horizon Bus Driver is not having any of that nonsense, so he floors the pedal overtaking five cars in a row. Not to be left out, Army Driver in the green double cabin pickup joins the foray and speeds by while flashing his headlights. But wait up. Have they not seen Minister’s Mercedes with flag flapping? Minsters lead car with sirens blaring, simply steals the show and the convoy cruises effortlessly past Land Cruiser VX Driver, Horizon Bus Driver, Army Driver and Toyota Ipsum Woman Driver.
When They Leave Town For Kyalao, They All Leave At The Same Time
Back in Kampala, Neighbourhood Thief and Goon made note of who went to kyalo and have broken into your empty house with the help of Askari who, is vexed because you didn’t give him a Christmas bonus.

Now doesn’t Christmas Eve just suck and has taken the warmth out me telling you: “Folks, have a Merry Christmas!?”                      

Pictures: New Vision, Agencies

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