Thursday, December 28, 2017

We Are Rich - M7 Said: "Poverty Ends Today!"

This is my last ramble of 2017, and to be honest, I am a tad worried – not what 2018 might hold, but about the poverty that January brings. You see, Accountant had a meeting with Second Accountant and between them, they decided that December salaries will not be paid at the end of December but, before Christmas - on or about December 23rd.

Second Accountant then meets up with Third Accountant, who told Fourth Accountant and just like that, it went viral. The world all over, December salaries are paid on December 23rd. Seeing we were paid on the 23rd, don’t bother going to the ATM on Tuesday expecting to find your account flush. And don’t go to Accountant when you go back to work asking why December salaries have been ‘delayed’.

Accounts Is All About Figures And Payroll
However, worry not because out there, there is a man who has a vision that will get us through January and the rest of the year. The Man With The Hat, who has been at the helm of this country for a number of years has all the answers. According to a headline by our (New Vision) rivals in Namuwongo, The Man With The Hat, promised to end poverty by the end 2017. Is that not just cause to celebrate? It is! While I was not there when he made the promise, I have no reason to doubt our rivals got it wrong and printed ‘fake news’.
The Pledge M7 Made Which Ends At Midnight Tonight
Although I am happy that come tomorrow I will no longer be poor, there are four pertinent questions I need to ask him. 
  • Nobody has been to see me to ask for my bank account details. Why?
  • Was I supposed to have gone to Kololo airstrip to register?
  • How much will I get?
  • When do I get it and from where?

If he doesn’t come through for me, it would not be cool at all. I mean, how does he expect me to survive through January because I have blown most – if not all of my December pay. And the reason why I have already blown the December pay is because I was reckless and fritted it all away on have a good time.

The Man With The Hat is at the helm. When he sneezes, the whole country sneezes. He also goes to church and while he may have told a small fib here and there, why would he have fibbed about ending poverty today?

But wait up. Do you think by my referring to him as The Man With The Hat, it may have annoyed him that I am now in the doghouse with him? Could he use that as an excuse to tell the peeps at Finance not to pay me?

But regardless of whether he is annoyed or not, I am not going to start of 2018 in poverty. He made a promise. And yes, he’s made many promises over the years – many of which have been broken and I have sort of let them slide.
Will The Man With The Hat Fulfil His Poverty Pledge?

But on the ending poverty promise – NEDDA! I want my money just like everybody else is also waiting for their money. Am not making threats here but if I don’t get it, I might just take to the streets and start being a nuisance. However, all can be solved amicably if by midnight I get that all too important call or WhatsApp message telling me to be at Ministry of Finance by 9:00am, Tuesday 2nd January.

And Accountant listen up, come this December, please don’t pay me, Julio, Oscar, Doc, Kayos, Paulo and especially Nodin before Christmas – because we don’t want to go running The Man With The Hat in 2019 pleading January poverty. Otherwise, a blessed 2018 to you all.  

Pictures: Daily Monitor, New Vision, Agencies


Friday, December 22, 2017

Christmas Eve - The Calm Before The Storm!

It’s Christmas Eve – otherwise known as ‘the calm before the storm’ because we’ve yet to grasp the concept of forward planning. We like doing last minute things - doing the back-to-school shopping for the sprogs on the actual day they are due back in school or buying movie tickets five minutes after its already started. We leave things till the end nigh – for shopping in peace and walking to the till to find no que, is something we find more than a tad boring. Rather, we like kavuyo shopping - the prospect of being pickpocketed, the mayhem of filling two shopping trolleys and nonchalantly jumping the que at the checkout counter or tripping over the side streets while looking for that last minute bargain.  

Right now, in every garage, Mechanic is busy as he services the 4x4 ride of Impatient Client who left it till the last minute. And with each ride that drives in, they insist Mechanic abandons the 4x4 he’s working on and tend to theirs. You see, they all have homes in the districts and its imperative they leave town before the buses, taxis and those who don’t have 4X4s clog up the roads.

Mechanics At Work On A Range Rover
While the men deal with Mechanic, the two types of late shopper women have made a frantic dash to the market. The first, won’t leave her Toyota Ipsum because she is Remote Control Shopper. She sits in the ride and Market Trader brings everything to her. In her bag she has a variety of envelopes – each stuffed with cash. The brown envelope is kyalo spending money. The white one, salon money while the Christmas card sized envelope has ‘miscellaneous money’ – whatever that means. On the other hand, Hands On Shopper is a bumbling ditherer! Let’s put it this way. Once Orange Seller has emptied the ddebe (tin) of oranges into her kikapu, she wonders if it would have been cheaper buying them on the way - in Namawojolo or on the outskirts of her kyalo in Kamuli.

Shoppers Browsing Through The Market
A brief call to Kyalo Relative and she’s mortified - like she’s just been told the most devastating news, upon which she unleashes her wrath on Orange Seller - telling him she no longer wants his oranges. The ‘devastating news’ Kyalo Relative imparted, was that a ddebe of oranges in kyalo is a mere sh600 cheaper than in Kampala. Hmm!

After lunch, the 4x4s set off and all at once. They want to be the first to arrive at Namawojolo or Mbizzi Nya markets or at the restaurant next to Total petrol station in Nyendo on the outskirts of Masaka. At Namawojolo and Mbizzi Nya, they buy everything that’s cooked and ready to pack – gonja, chicken, roast liver, goat meat. Meanwhile at Total Nyendo, it’s a case of counting the mpenkoni’s racing to Ntungamo, Kashari, Bushenyi, Kashenshero and beyond.

At Mbizzi Nya And Namawojolo Markets, They Want to Buy Everything
Along the way, Landcruiser VX Driver wants to overtake every car - even when its next to impossible to overtake. However, Horizon Bus Driver is not having any of that nonsense, so he floors the pedal overtaking five cars in a row. Not to be left out, Army Driver in the green double cabin pickup joins the foray and speeds by while flashing his headlights. But wait up. Have they not seen Minister’s Mercedes with flag flapping? Minsters lead car with sirens blaring, simply steals the show and the convoy cruises effortlessly past Land Cruiser VX Driver, Horizon Bus Driver, Army Driver and Toyota Ipsum Woman Driver.
When They Leave Town For Kyalao, They All Leave At The Same Time
Back in Kampala, Neighbourhood Thief and Goon made note of who went to kyalo and have broken into your empty house with the help of Askari who, is vexed because you didn’t give him a Christmas bonus.

Now doesn’t Christmas Eve just suck and has taken the warmth out me telling you: “Folks, have a Merry Christmas!?”                      

Pictures: New Vision, Agencies

Friday, December 15, 2017

The Slay Queen Gold Digger

Faridah Nakazibwe, is a Luganda newscaster on NTV. I meet up with her most nights at 7:00pm – not physically I might add, but when see her on TV reading news. While my Luganda is at best termed ‘very suspect’, Ms Nakazibwe’s on the other hand, flows – probably because she is a Muganda. Duh!

Anyway, the reason why Ms Nakazibwe graces my column is a couple of weeks ago, she posted words of wisdom on her Facebook page along the lines of:

“If you want to progress financially, you need to avoid this type of woman: “Bae, I’m hungry, get me something to eat” or “buy me phone credit.” Instead, find you a: “Did you eat, you want me to cook for you?” type of female. How fast you progress financially as a man depends on the type of woman who is by your side. A good woman is an INVESTMENT. A bad woman is a BILL.” 
Ms. Nakazibwe Makes A Very Valid Point
Let’s pause a tad and usher in Slay Queen who Ruth Akatuluvu, one of my tights and the Urban Dictionary describe as: “Young and naive girls who apparently do not date broke men. They spend hours on Snapchat and Instagram showing off things they don't even own.”

Now Kampala is full of slay queens and if Slay Queen by chance read Ms Nakazibwe’s post, she would most likely have had to read it a few times to get the gist, or take it to Friend’s Sister who is in P.4 at Greenhill Academy and ask her to put it into less complicated English for her. And once she grasped where Ms Nakazibwe was coming from, she would have, without a doubt have hurled insults at her.

Point Noted
The thing about Slay Queen in Kampala, is that they don’t think big. They think very simple, because very simple things amuse very simple minds.  For example, they would have been so pleased with themselves if they had managed to fleece some man into buying them tickets to go and see Wiz Kid at Kyadondo and Timaya in Jinja a couple of weeks ago. If not, merely being seen at Silk Liquid and at one of the unplugged shows in the company of a man who is quenching her thirst with a tot pack V&A works for her too.

A Typical Slay Stance?
On the other hand, UK Slay Queen is not impressed by simple things and wants things on a grand scale like Kim Waggott. Kim was married to multi-millionaire accountant, William Waggot, for 21-years. Alas the marriage went ‘south’ and in 2012 they divorced. In court, Judge told William for pay her a staggering £9 million (sh43bn) as divorce settlement. £9 million is a hefty sum of money that allowed her to buy a £2 million house and a holiday home in Spain. On top of that, she gets £175,000 (sh850m)-a-year for ‘personal maintenance’ for life. She ought to be content - no? No she isn’t, because in typical shameless slay queen gluttony, she wants more.

Do you know what she did? She dragged herself to court and told Judge that despite having £9 million in the vault and getting a yearly stipend of £175,000 (sh110m), she NEEDS an extra £23,000 a year to make ends meet! And if you think that’s where it ends you had better think again. She also wants a percentage of his future earnings!

Like Losing Her Virginity, Slay Queen Views Selfies As A Career Move
After reading the story, I duly took myself to NSSF headquarters and tried to hurl myself off the roof except, the access door to the roof was locked. Plan B of jumping out into the path of a speeding taxi on Kampala Road didn’t work either because it abruptly turned into a side road. Let me hope that Plan C - of looking for a machete and slitting my throat works!   

Pictures: Faridah Nakazibwe, Nandi Cakes, Agencies

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Ditch The Akamwesi Money Leech And Get A Robotic Doll

Dude thinks it’s time to get married. No, tell a lie, its Mum who thinks it’s time for him to get married. But, Dude isn’t interested because looking around at the would-be-suitable young single women, he’s bitterly disappointed.

“I don’t know what they want” he tells me one evening. “They want, want and want.” Citing an example, he talks of Friends Sister who was resident in Akamwesi Hostel, has been unemployed for almost two years and who is desperate for a job. “I will keep my ears open and if anything comes along, I’ll let you know” so he told her. Two weeks later, she sends him a WhatsApp message after seeing him in Kampala Sun at Brazilian Night at La Cabana having a blast. Her message read: “Now I see you in the papers having fun. You are not getting me a job like you promised. It’s like you don’t care and want me to starve.” WTF!

Akamwesi Hostel, MUBS, Where The Airhead Money Leech Chic Resides

He retorted: “I am not your dad and secondly, I didn’t promise to get you a job! I said I will keep my ears open and if anything came along, I’d let you know.” And her response? “Hmm!”

Trimming the story, a job opening did come along. He furnished her with all the niceties including the cell number of the person she had to call, to arrange when would be suitable for an interview. Before I carry on, lock up the cat and tell Housiee to take the dog for a stroll - you will know why after you read the next paragraph.

“But I thought you had got me a job and not an interview!?!” WTF, now had the dog been around would you not have kicked the living daylights out of it then thrown the cat down the pit latrine in a fit of frus and anger? Anyway, she did go for the interview and did get the job. But wait up, she didn’t have the courtesy to call him and tell him how it went. It he who called her and far from being grateful that she was now employed, she complained. “But the pay is not what I was expecting. Its little!” Dude barked at her: “Listen up Friends Sister, if you don’t like the pay, QUIT! There are people out there who are unemployed and who would happily take the job at that pay!” I can sympathise with Dude for not wanting to get married, but like I told him, all is not lost. There is plan B.
The dawn of the didigisexuals is upon us. The surging availability of Robotic Doll means it is easier than ever for men to rely on technology for female company. Through technology, Engineer can programme Robot Doll to have artificial intelligence and be 'warm to the touch'.
The Robotic Doll
Dr Neil Mccarthur, Director of the University of Manitoba's centre for professional and applied ethics said: “As these technologies advance, their adoption will grow and many people will come to identify themselves as didigisexuals - people whose primary identity comes through the use of technology. Many people will find that their experiences with this technology become integral to their identity and some will prefer them to direct interactions with humans.

This is just what Dude needs, for he can form an intense ‘cost effective’ connection with Robotic Doll. Furthermore, if he ordered Robotic Doll, it can be tailor-made to meet his desires and will do things that Akamwesi Airhead cannot or will not do.
The Robotic Doll - Very Cost Effective And Dosen't Ask for Money, Salon Money Or Airtime or Pizza 
It’s a brilliant idea, for why should men waste time on airheads who constantly harangue them to foot their bills even though they are gainfully employed, don’t know what they want and when you ask them to take care of your one single need, she feigns a headache? 

Pictures: Campus Bee, Daily Mail

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Forget Salads - Think Brazilian Churrasco Meat Experience!

I lunch with Meg Vora for the best part of the working week and Meg doesn’t eat meat. In the twilight of 2017, I find it very hard to believe, grasp and comprehend that there are people out there who don’t eat meat. For lunch, Meg makes do with an Indian vegetarian meal except, it doesn’t look like a meal, but some sort of Luzira prison slop which are left overs from days before and which is served on a metallic plate - the ones with the little small cubicles. Meg not eating meat so I found out, has nothing to do with him being Hindi or anything to do with his religious beliefs but, and wait for it - because he’s not ‘keen’ on it. Jeez Meg, are you for real?

Meg And His Veggie Burger
How can he not be keen on meat? In fact, how can anybody not be keen on meat? How can them people - vegetarians that is, be allowed to go onto social media and post pictures of themselves looking bored and dejected over a bowl of bland lettuce and broccoli? And in the picture of Meg above, he hardly looks thrilled about his veggie burger - doesn't he? In my immediate and greater family, thankfully we are all avid meat eaters save for two of my nieces and a cousin -  Tamara, Yvonne and Sara. Hmm, I wonder what went wrong them.

Getting back, last week, Christmas came early when two invitations landed - not to go and drink free beer as I had hoped, but something even better - to go to a meat fest and eat as much meat as possible. Obviously, I didn’t invite Meg along.

Come Thursday and after skipping breakfast and lunch, I found myself at the swanky new restaurant, La Cabana at Speke Apartments on Wampewo Avenue to indulge in whats called the Brazilian Churrasco Meat Experience and from the moment I walked in, the air was consuming if not, arresting. It smelt meat. It smelt meat that had slowly been basking over on the spit for hours on end.
A Grand Meat Fest At La Cabana, Speke Apartments
But wait up. At the self-service counter, there was something else - a salad bar! But what does salad have to do with meat? Anyway, after seeking permission from Maitre D’Hotel, I was in the kitchen and at the source and to be honest, it was a dream come true and a sight that two weeks later is firmly etched in my head. Rack upon rack of succulent salt pork cubes, lamb leg, top sirloin steak – the list is endless. I was like a 5-year-old boy who had just gotten his first Lego set.

At my table, it was comforting to find that there were other serious like-minded men like James Odomel who live and dream meat 24/7 as much as I do. As we dined on the lamb leg, we had an in-depth discussion about why Ugandans don’t eat lamb, why it’s the most luscious meat out there and how suicidal we would be if there was a meat scarcity. On the next table, Salad Eater showed his his disgust and gawped at us. His listening to our conversation, it must have been as complex for him to grasp as it is for me to grasp what 'quantum' means in quantum physics.

Real Men Like James Odomel Eat Meat And Nothing Else
Two days later, we were off to Gaucho Grill on Entebbe Road. The usual suspects – J. Bagaire, Kayos K, Julio M, Oscar M and Vinta N flushed me, so it was down to Bayego K, P. Lukwago and I to represent. But wait. The brief I gave them, was explicitly clear – ‘we were going to eat meat, and lots of it!’ To my utter dismay, when we got there what did they go and do? They made a beeline for the salad bar. Why would anybody drive from Kampala, fighting through all that traffic to Bwebajja to go and eat salads?!? Does that not defy rational thinking? It so does!

Paulo Lukwago At Graucho Grill, Bwebajja
Of course, I had no contract with the salad bar and settled back for the meat. Like had happened at La Cabana, I had half expected Gaucho Server to dump the whole leg of lamb onto my plate and scuttle away but as he politely informed me, “there are other guests who also need to eat…” I let him be. When he returned with the pork, I harangued him into serving me more than he should have. While all this was going on, Bayego and Lukwago were still on salads and pretending to have a blast. Hmm.

And Finally, Bayego Went Carnivorous - With Some Cajoling... 
Like was said at the start, I like my meat – but not byenda (offals) and if a day passes and I have not eaten meat, I become agitated. But it’s really a sad and mortifying tale that there are people who don’t eat meat and who will never know what an orgasm it is, to sit at La Cabana and Gaucho Grill surrounded by nothing but meat! 

But let's try and finish this tale on a 'positive note'. I honestly feel NO sympathy for them. 

Pictures: Meg Vora, La Cabana, Gaucho Grill


Who Stole Our Culture? Technology Did

Who stole part of our culture? Technology did. I was barely seven-years-old when I owned my first car and nine-years-old when I got my se...